Plan to go tomorrow and I’m terrified!

[Tortured Existence]

I desperately wanted to do this in my house, locked in my bedroom, but I just can't put my cat through all the trauma that would entail:
1. Me not opening the door for him like I do every morning;
2. The odor
3. LE eventually having to come in and all the noise they'll make, even though my friend will arrive to let them in.

So, I'm getting a room close by for two days, and I plan to take the meto either before I arrive or right after, and drink the 2 bottles of the "holy grail" within an hour of my arrival. There's absolutely no reason to wait.

I'm terrified of any one of the following things happening:

1. I cut myself severely when I'm opening a bottle. I did buy special scissors and will watch the video again, but I'm very uncoordinated and I can see this happening because of nerves/anxiety.
2. Because of my shaky hands, spilling it or actually dropping the open bottle or glass I've managed to pour it into
3. I don't drink it quickly enough and pass out before I've had enough to kill me (this is unlikely because I'm not too bothered by the taste, but that's a lot of nasty liquid)
4. Vomiting either before or after I'm asleep or unconscious and not dying!!!
5. Somebody somehow getting into my room and finding me too soon. (This seems highly unlikely unless there's a glitch in the system, but it should bolt from the inside).

EDIT: My biggest fear, after being found and locked up in a mental hospital, is waking up! With all the pills I take to sleep every night, I wake up on and off all night. The two times I tried to CTB with pills & alcohol I not only woke up exactly where I took them, but I remembered everything. I honestly can't imagine not waking up. It seems impossible for me, even knowing how unlikely it is with this method.

I have no reason to prolong my suffering, my pain, and inability to take care of myself properly any longer. I'm just SO scared and alone.

Thanks for reading and any comments. I really appreciate this group xx

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with all these fears as you are planning to leave. Dying really is so complicated and it should certainly be more straightforward. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[Zegers]

It is harder to think about it than to do it.

 

[Jrmull1993]

Unfortunately it sounds like your at the point that there's not much you can do besides giving yourself a pat on the back and wishing you get what you seek.

My only suggestion to you would be to try and do whatever you can to ease your nerves as much as possible. Perhaps calming music and dampened lighting.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you succeed in whatever your quest may be.

 

[Hiraeth Grimoire]

I think a lot of your worries seem to be SI nervousness related. I understand your suffering and I am very sorry your enduring this. Soon, I will also face the music and I'm sure it will be hellish. Hopefully, you can make peace with SI and exit swiftly. Best regards fellow sufferer.

 

[Theanswer]

I totally hear you. SI is strong. I spent past few weeks, arranging things and also going over and over what might go wrong. It's brutal. I'm grateful you have N and you have it well planned. Do you have anti-emetics? Opening the bottle is just your brain effing with you, I think. Not minimizing your fear but try to let that go, okay? And loved what Zegers said, harder to think about it than doing it. That was so right on. We're here for you if you need us for support. I'm holding you in my thoughts.

 

[GasMonkey]

Have you tested the purity of that N?

 

[rationaltake]

Nobody should have to suffer like this. You obviously care about your cat very much and you're doing your very best for him.

I can imagine how scary it is. I hope all goes as well as possible.

I wish you calm and peace when you most need it.

I wish you freedom from suffering.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Open the bottle above a cushion of towels. Pour it into a plastic cup, with a lid, like one of those "sippy" cups for kids. Drinking it fast is something you just need to do. Drink it while sitting down and immediately turn your head off to the side in case you vomit. Have another cup prepared to drink in case you do vomit it right up before you pass out. There's really nothing you can do about someone showing up at the wrong time. That might be serendipity. I'd do it in the wee hours of the morning to lessen that chance.

I hope you find your peace.

 

[whitefeather]

Yes, not waking up does seem to good to be true

 

[virgilwalks]

If you change your mind no judgement we are here for you.

 

[damaged_soul]

I'm wishing you well and I hope all goes as planned

 

[Theanswer]

How are you doing?

 

[hellohello]

Did you go through with it? Hope you're at peace.

 

[HopefulButPrepared]

I don't know if this is common knowledge or what, but if you hold your nose you can barely taste anything - keep it held until it's all gone down and you've got something to take the taste away in there, only then let go

 

[Shivali]

 

[Tortured Existence]

In case anyone's following this thread, I'm still here. My cat's health problem that I thought was resolved proved not to be the day I was supposed to go. There's no fucking end in sight! I want out SO badly, but now I feel like I'll either have to wait until I get another cancer-like diagnosis, or something happens to my sweet cat that's very young.

The worst part is, every night when I lock him out of the bedroom and I'm laying in bed only hearing my tinnitus, wondering how awful my insomnia will be, I could so easily drink it in peace if he wasn't my house mate.

There has not been a single night that I didn't have dreams of either myself or others attempting to end their lives. Last night some unknown male succeeded behind closed doors.

I don't want to be redundant or read my original post, so I'll end this here.

Sending much to my fellow sufferers.

 

[Jrmull1993]

@Tortured Existence Sorry to hear what your going through.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

Sending you lots of love.

 

[Zegers]

There's no fucking end in sight!

My mind every morning*

 

[nico1420]

In case anyone's following this thread, I'm still here. My cat's health problem that I thought was resolved proved not to be the day I was supposed to go. There's no fucking end in sight! I want out SO badly, but now I feel like I'll either have to wait until I get another cancer-like diagnosis, or something happens to my sweet cat that's very young.

The worst part is, every night when I lock him out of the bedroom and I'm laying in bed only hearing my tinnitus, wondering how awful my insomnia will be, I could so easily drink it in peace if he wasn't my house mate.

There has not been a single night that I didn't have dreams of either myself or others attempting to end their lives. Last night some unknown male succeeded behind closed doors.

I don't want to be redundant or read my original post, so I'll end this here.

Sending much to my fellow sufferers.

Why don't You put the cat for adoption? That would take some pressure off of you