Already posted in off-topic but I just feel the need to keep typing. I'm scared to go outside because I worry that someone will assault me again or something like that but what compounds the stress of being outside is knowing that I probably look pretty off putting as I have the look of terror on my face at most times and am always looking over my shoulder so I am constantly in between being worried that someone is going to assault me or thinking that others may feel scared of me because I look unstable and jittery.
When I leave the house, something as small as seeing someone walk by scares the living shit out of me and I have to try hard to not panic. I hold it in and hold it in and am terrified of other living creatures a lot of the time. I am bitter and resentful feeling as though I am due for a life sentence of hell and misery because my parents can't get over the idea of me being not around. I know I don't need permission but I just can't go knowing that they're going to suffer for it even though I'm suffering potentially far far worse everyday for years. It has gotten seemingly worse with each year after all. I mean I guess it's just speculation and potentially it's the same as it's ever been but what I will say is that when you suffer from the same debilitating condition for years, it starts to feel like torture in which it may have been somewhat manageable for a certain time period but the longer it goes on without relief, it begins to compound with each day that passes. I worry that my depression has completely effed my brain beyond repair and given me ptsd as if I didn't already have it.
I am pretty much housebound due to the severity of my illness and I have a hard time not feeling offended or short fused when met with either empty or naive platitudes. If I get better ever, I sure will be glad but after so many treatments, this has begun to feel like a slow drawn out horror like nothing else I ever thought I would experience. I have had emotional issues for a large portion of my life but it's really sad to think that I used to be a little kid who thought life was a care free thing. Little did I know just how horrible many aspects of it could really be.
If I ever get better and don't die miserable and tormented, I'd like to just live a quiet life and do the stuff that I personally place value on but I'm growing increasingly worried with each year that this is going to kill me. I firmly believe that a lot of people would have been gone by now in my shoes and I don't mean to sound like I'm suggesting I'm so strong for sticking it out but rather that this one factor of guilt and concern for my parents literally has one foot super glued down with an industrial adhesive while the other foot is way out the door. I'm so, so terrified of another year of this and then another. I'm so desperate to escape this I'm honestly growing willing to just lie to myself for a little while that it's all okay and that I'm gonna be just fine. I mean I'd do it more if I could get myself to believe it but tonight I was in so much psychological pain that I really feared I was about to lose it. My brain just snapped into what felt like survival mode. Oh god I feel so fucked, the "I'm going to be okay" feeling faded quite a while ago and the mental pain came back as I'm sure one may guess if they read literally anything I just wrote. This is so effed up I just want relief.
When I leave the house, something as small as seeing someone walk by scares the living shit out of me and I have to try hard to not panic. I hold it in and hold it in and am terrified of other living creatures a lot of the time. I am bitter and resentful feeling as though I am due for a life sentence of hell and misery because my parents can't get over the idea of me being not around. I know I don't need permission but I just can't go knowing that they're going to suffer for it even though I'm suffering potentially far far worse everyday for years. It has gotten seemingly worse with each year after all. I mean I guess it's just speculation and potentially it's the same as it's ever been but what I will say is that when you suffer from the same debilitating condition for years, it starts to feel like torture in which it may have been somewhat manageable for a certain time period but the longer it goes on without relief, it begins to compound with each day that passes. I worry that my depression has completely effed my brain beyond repair and given me ptsd as if I didn't already have it.
I am pretty much housebound due to the severity of my illness and I have a hard time not feeling offended or short fused when met with either empty or naive platitudes. If I get better ever, I sure will be glad but after so many treatments, this has begun to feel like a slow drawn out horror like nothing else I ever thought I would experience. I have had emotional issues for a large portion of my life but it's really sad to think that I used to be a little kid who thought life was a care free thing. Little did I know just how horrible many aspects of it could really be.
If I ever get better and don't die miserable and tormented, I'd like to just live a quiet life and do the stuff that I personally place value on but I'm growing increasingly worried with each year that this is going to kill me. I firmly believe that a lot of people would have been gone by now in my shoes and I don't mean to sound like I'm suggesting I'm so strong for sticking it out but rather that this one factor of guilt and concern for my parents literally has one foot super glued down with an industrial adhesive while the other foot is way out the door. I'm so, so terrified of another year of this and then another. I'm so desperate to escape this I'm honestly growing willing to just lie to myself for a little while that it's all okay and that I'm gonna be just fine. I mean I'd do it more if I could get myself to believe it but tonight I was in so much psychological pain that I really feared I was about to lose it. My brain just snapped into what felt like survival mode. Oh god I feel so fucked, the "I'm going to be okay" feeling faded quite a while ago and the mental pain came back as I'm sure one may guess if they read literally anything I just wrote. This is so effed up I just want relief.
