Phobia of abandonment

[Defenestration]

Hi,
I can't stand the feeling of being abandoned.

I had signed up for an athletics club and we had a WhatsApp group, I marginalized myself by making allusions to suicide and the fact that I had a disability.
I ended up getting everyone annoying despite the fact that I tried to be super nice, courteous, generous (offering donations to the club) In short, I saw after a while that people responded to me less or more coldly.

I therefore excluded myself for fear of being abandoned. This feeling of abandonment is horrible to experience. I don't know if it's due to borderline personality disorder but it makes me suffer.

even people I have seen 2.3 times in my life rejection and abandonment are terrible for me and are a driving force behind impulsive suicide.

Anybody?

 

[astr4]

i used to have this fear when i was younger. you're very valid for feeling that way. unfortunately all i learned from it is that it's better to self isolate. that way i never risk being abandoned. i don't have any good advice unfortunately but i sympathize greatly.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I also marginalize myself for fear of rejection and abandonment. It feels like beating them to it. lol I'm sorry you also suffer in this way.

Learning about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) has been a little helpful for me - at least in understanding I'm not alone in this feeling.

This article is informative. It's from an autistic perspective, but I feel it would be applicable for others too.

Living with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is common in neurodivergent people and people with complex trauma. This article explains what it’s like.

neuroclastic.com

 

[derpyderpins]

I have a big-time fear of abandonment. I operate best when I have my one or two people that - with a lot of effort - I start to trust won't abandon me.

The choice to remove yourself is one that makes sense sometimes, as sad as it is. You pick up signs that you're not welcome . . . cut your losses, you know? The hard part is that with a fear of abandonment you can't trust your instinct on if you're welcome or not, but it really sucks to open up to someone about your fear of abandonment only for them to abandon you without closure or explanation! But . . . it happens, lol. Trying to have an online friend I could discuss the darker parts of my brain with did not work out, so my IRL bestie has just had to step up and absorb a little more haha. Should have just stuck with my handful of close people. He's opened up more to me as part of it, though, which is good, I think.

I also marginalize myself for fear of rejection and abandonment. It feels like beating them to it. lol I'm sorry you also suffer in this way.

Learning about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) has been a little helpful for me - at least in understanding I'm not alone in this feeling.

This article is informative. It's from an autistic perspective, but I feel it would be applicable for others too.

Living with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is common in neurodivergent people and people with complex trauma. This article explains what it’s like.

neuroclastic.com

This is very interesting. (You're loaded with good reading materials!)

I've had it theorized that my people-pleasing and guilt over not being enough for people was because I am an over-socialized normie, so it's interesting to read a theory that it could be related to neurodivergence instead - quite the reverse.

Although they got this wrong:

If you fear you've upset someone, sometimes the only thing we can do is to ask them. Because worst case scenario, you have upset them (where you feel you are now), and best case scenario is that it was imagined, or a misunderstanding.

The worst case scenario is they don't answer you and now you have a second source of potential rejection out there haha. Then the dreaded, 'well do I follow up or try again or just assume they hate me and remove myself?' Sometimes @Defenestration is right that it's best to just remove yourself.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

This is very interesting. (You're loaded with good reading materials!)

I've had it theorized that my people-pleasing and guilt over not being enough for people was because I am an over-socialized normie, so it's interesting to read a theory that it could be related to neurodivergence instead - quite the reverse.

Haha. I'm glad you find it interesting. I love collecting and sharing information. I've heard some say that info-sharing is a big way some neurodivergent people share affection. My dream job has always been to be a librarian...

Although they got this wrong:

The worst case scenario is they don't answer you and now you have a second source of potential rejection out there haha. Then the dreaded, 'well do I follow up or try again or just assume they hate me and remove myself?' Sometimes @Defenestration is right that it's best to just remove yourself.

I agree. It's not quite that easy. I'm also inclined to agree that self-isolating is a pretty solid defense mechanism. I sure do it. ^_^

 

[Defenestration]

And i want that 100/100 of people like me

Or 100/100 of people dont hâte me

 

[Rational man]

I used to have this feeling too and I became insecure when I was abandoned by my parents, having been abused by the same narcissists. When I became involved intimately involved with a few people, I think I came across as intense and.clingy but really I wasn't that aware. Now, I dont give a shit because im on my own and ill, having been abandoned by people I thought were friends, bar one friend who helps me at home. To be honest, I like my own company.now and most people ive known were unreliable so its no great loss. Having said that, I feel your pain and I wish you well. I.think authenticity is something many people fail to realise. They are never truthful to themselves and are busy trying to be liked...does that make sense?

 

[14407]

Hi,
I can't stand the feeling of being abandoned.

I had signed up for an athletics club and we had a WhatsApp group, I marginalized myself by making allusions to suicide and the fact that I had a disability.
I ended up getting everyone annoying despite the fact that I tried to be super nice, courteous, generous (offering donations to the club) In short, I saw after a while that people responded to me less or more coldly.

I therefore excluded myself for fear of being abandoned. This feeling of abandonment is horrible to experience. I don't know if it's due to borderline personality disorder but it makes me suffer.

even people I have seen 2.3 times in my life rejection and abandonment are terrible for me and are a driving force behind impulsive suicide.

Anybody?

I understand you so bad. It's the worst when you feel like everybody's out to get you no matter how nicely you try to act — it's as if people have a radar for those who struggle & just decide to contribute to that feeling of loneliness even more. It's such a debilitating feeling knowing that everyone you've ever met will eventually leave no matter what you do. Attachment is hell & people are unpredictable.

 

[Defenestration]

Je te comprends tellement. C'est le pire quand tu as l'impression que tout le monde veut te faire du mal, peu importe à quel point tu essaies d'agir gentiment. C'est comme si les gens avaient un radar pour ceux qui ont des difficultés et décidaient simplement de contribuer encore plus à ce sentiment de solitude. C'est un sentiment tellement débilitant de savoir que tous ceux que tu as rencontrés finiront par partir, quoi que tu fasses. L'attachement est un enfer et les gens sont imprévisibles.

Yes its very hard

 

[tsykoais]

I marginalized myself by making allusions to suicide and the fact that I had a disability.

even though you're nice, when you allude to things such as your personal struggles and mental health issues especially serious things such as suicide with people that you aren't completely close to "normal people" will find that as overwhelming and uncomfortable as it's somewhat foreign to them. even though you meant no harm op, some people just don't understand mental health and will respond coldly because they feel weirded out or two they just don't care and don't want their "vibe" ruined. i had to learn that the hard way as well.

 

[Gangrel]

I understand completly. My first partner simply disappeared, with his own words he said he needed because he was a bad person and i didnt deserve it. I still love him deeply, but the experience has completly scarred me for life. Now i push people away with as much as a change of tone, they all seem mad at me all the time and it doesn't seem worth to pursue anything because i know they will abandon me or that i will never be important to them anyway so i even pretend disdain even if i actually really like them. Even if i try to logically think that, it's simply how i feel with everybody and it's such a burden in my life. So no you aren't alone.

 

[Randy Savage]

I have this fear off and on. Sometimes I sabotage friendships on purpose. Sometimes, I don't even care if I'll be abandoned because I feel like I'm eventually going to die anyway or I don't feel adequate enough for the friendship/relationship.
Not sure what to make of these kinds of feelings. Definitely feels like disordered behavior of some kind to me