Venting personality disorder

[Deleted member 25508]

people are always like "it's not an excuse for your actions," or if i try to correct some mistake i've made, then i'm "playing the victim." there's literally no winning with some people. basically, they expect you to just not have a personality disorder.

with some people, a lot of "normal" people, ive noticed if you mess up, they literally want you to just carry the burden of having "hurt them" for the rest of your life. and im supposed to believe im the one with the huge ego?

i know by mainstream standards my logic is twisted but i dont think it is at all. if someone regrets doing something bad and tries to absolve that, and your solution is to spitefully make them sit there and dwell on how you'll never forgive them, then maybe youre the sadistic one.

i doubt this vent will be understood even in a place like this... people don't get it. i mess up, and i correct the mistakes. that's what i am. that's how i work. people seem to think the pain of that isn't real and i'm just being "narcissistic" for feeling awful about it. what do they expect?

im like this because it was drilled into my head by a thorough regimen of severe abuse for most of my life here on earth. but people really arent sympathetic. again, "you just sit around and feel sorry for yourself all day." yeah thats kinda how c-ptsd works.. thats what a personality disorder is. they corrupted me. it wasnt my fault.

if i do something wrong, i tend to feel bad about it later. is that really so abnormal? apparently to most people, it is. "you just sit around and dwell on your problems all day, you're soo narcissistic and manipulative." how is that manipulative? i don't get it. what theyre really saying is "the world would be a better place without you." because they dont understand or dont care how something like this happens. you were severely abused by your parents and now youre an abusive person yourself? i dont care, you "hurt" me. even if you feel bad about it and want to become a better person, they think you "dont deserve it" and should just carry the weight of upsetting them for the rest of your life.

i think if people were a little more kind, i mightve actually had a chance at developing some healthy personality traits. i think my personality disorder actually got way worse from people just spitting in my face and treating me like garbage because i have passive aggressive tendencies and talk openly about my depression and suicidal issues. "you always talk about your depression youre such an attention seeker, its literally so abusive ugh."

after years and years of that, i think i decided i would become more spiteful on purpose. if people wont bother to understand that i was made this way by an abusive upbringing, then i'll just become evil on purpose. people treat me like i already am anyway.

another thing is that people act all offended whenever i talk about my problems. like... am i just supposed to not care and not seek support? i try telling people i'm suicidal and i need help and i get this "you're so manipulative! ugh! its hurting me soo much that you say these things." like they make it all about them, and have the nerve to call me the narcissist? it doesnt make any sense, but if you try to call them out on it, you're "playing the victim" again. you cant win. its impossible

 

[Soulless Angel]

People can be very selfish over things they do not understand, Personality disorder is one of them,
I have CPTSD, recently also diagnosed with BPD as well as anxiety and depression, I don't expect people to understand them, I just ask for them to respect that my brain works differently from others
What may seem minor to them, for me may be major, and I need to handle it in a different way, it doesn't mean I am being manipulative or other, it simply means my brain is wired in a different way,
One thing I have found my self saying a lot recently too, is just because I have this, doesn't mean I am this, I will not use it as an excuse nor is it an excuse, I am still me, what the issue is others who chose to treat me different and assume I use it as an excuse, but in reality it their wrong assumptions that are causing more pain and grief as a result.

I also understand what you mean when people seem offended when you finally have the balls to open up to them, you get the stop attention seeking etc, How is seeking help that they demand you to seek attention seeking? At what point is it acceptable to seek the help or to be able to talk about it?

Sorry Im going off into my own rant now! Now much help really but didn't want to read and run, but want you to know that you are not alone and there are people here who understand

 

[TessB]

I do understand how you feel. I have bpd and have completely lost contact with my oldest daughter and it's a lot to do with her choice of partner and the fact he's a total c***. During a period when bpd was fucking with my emotions and I was very angry I said a couple of regrettable things to him and then apologised. He knew I had bpd and knew I was suicidal, yet in a shitty message to me said he will never forget the things I've said and that I should think before I say things. I think the worst I had even said was he is pompous and their relationship won't last. I know it's bad but I was so sorry after. I'd LOVE to be able to think before I say things! But I have zero control over my emotions and anger that's the point. Bpd is such a pile of shit to live with.

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, they can go and fu*k themselves. They shouldn't be mean at you nor make you feel guilty.
Anyway, people here understand you. You're not alone.

Hugs and love

 

[Deleted member 25508]

thanks for the support.. i know it can be kinda hard to sympathize with someone like me. i wish i was a better person though..i wish people understood

i wanted to be the one who stopped the cycle of abuse. i never wanted to hurt anybody. but im so emotionally wrecked that i hurt everyone who gets too close to me. i dont do it on purpose. i just wish theyd understand that

 

[painoflife]

i never wanted to hurt anybody. but im so emotionally wrecked that i hurt everyone who gets too close to me. i dont do it on purpose. i just wish theyd understand that

It is them being naive and dismissive that makes you feel like this, it is not something wrong with you. If people could just acknowledge that others emotions and actions are unique to that person then we wouldn't feel so different all the time. We can't all react the same, and with a personality disorder its so difficult to fit in to what the socially acceptable norm is. I don't believe it is anything wrong in what you are doing!
It is hard being stuck inside your own head so much and I am sure they wouldn't be so nasty if they went through the same as you. I understand (in my own way) how you feel and act and it is completely justified.

 

[ithappens]

It's incredibly sad, but I've had to learn through my short existence here that most (if not all) "normal" people care about only one thing: their life not being inconvenienced. The biggest crime you could ever commit in their minds is daring to inconvenience them for anything, even if it's something you truly need that they could be of help with. As far as they are concerned you are a toy in the background, to bring them pleasure when they want to play with you, but to otherwise stfu and stop existing when they're not around and it's not fun anymore.

I'm sure my experiences are very different from yours, but I also suffer from a "personality disorder" on top of bipolar (which generally shows as extreme depression) and autism. I was raised by an abusive, authoritarian single mother who also had autism (but did not know it and was not diagnosed, making all our lives much harder). I was raised to behave in a very specific way or she would come down on me hard in ways that have made people cringe when I've recounted them. The tactic she loved to use the most was humiliation, particularly if she could make it public humiliation. The slightest mistake made on my part? Time to shame the child into submission because then "she'll never dare to do it again". In addition to that she did many other things to mess me up and of course on top of that I had the undiagnosed aspergers. I was shamed over everything. Sensitivity to the light to the point you can't see? Time to shame her and encourage any other people around to do the same. Grandmother brought her out for haircut and I don't like the style personally? Time to stand here with a couple friends of mine and mock her. Etc, etc. And that was just part of the verbal abuse.

Lo and behold, I turned out to be a socially awkward and anxious person with habits that most people find incredibly strange and offputting, to the point I have given up attempting to make friends. The fact that I managed to find a husband (who shows some autistic traits himself) was a goddamn miracle and only came around after I simply gave up on trying (ironic). I am constantly on edge, cannot function in a "normal" household or family unit, put people off with my "weird" behaviors and needs. I basically don't know how to survive outside of the environment I grew up in and it HURTS more than people realize. I used to try the psych route until I was thoroughly labelled, chewed up, humiliated, and spit back out. No more of that for me, not ever. People don't like me, they don't like my limited interactions, they don't like the vocabulary I use (which is funny because nobody cared if my mom screamed cusses and derogatory remarks at me, but I merely drop the word "fuck" or "shit" in casual conversation and I'm immediately trash). I'm not allowed to have the wants or needs that I do, I'm supposed to exist to make everyone else feel good, and a big part of that is keeping my mouth shut and not being honest. My only regret is that I did not take the hint sooner and instead followed the feel-good advice in the schools and books and tv shows about opening up so that people will know and can help you. Well nobody wanted to hear it, nobody wanted to know or help, nobody cared except to say that I inconvenienced them and that they felt "manipulated" by my severe suicidality even though I never blamed them or asked for more than the occasional shoulder to cry on.


I wasn't trying to make this about me, but to let you know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. People fucking suck, and if you've had a hard (even tragic) upbringing that programmed you a certain way it's up to you to either forcibly change that somehow or fake it your entire life. Because in the end nobody cares as much as they like to virtue signal they do. It's all words, no action, all victim blaming and no actual problem solving at the root.

Humans and humanity are inherently selfish and self-serving. At least most of them.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I'm on your side. There's hypocrisy everywhere. Asking for meds gets me accused of being drug seeking. Saying I can't do the therapy gets me discharged for being uncooperative. If someone tells the doctor that if I don't get help I'll kill myself it's fine but if I tell them, it's a threat!