Venting personal record

[stardusted]

i just want to make a thread here to keep myself accountable, feel free to ignore. im gonna try to make some progress, even if just a little, every day until i can safely die. today i am following a guide and working on acquiring materials; i also discussed diy hrt with one of the people id like to help get on hormones before i go. my girlfriend is soon to break up with me so i hope itll be easier for her now too. maybe itll be easier for both of us.

 

[stardusted]

ok i already missed posting a day lol but i did talk more to my friend about my plan and i think shes more on board on it. im taking a little better care of myself too so hopefully i will be in a more presentable state when i pass, or at least ill be more convincing if i have to lie to my parents to get supplies or get out of the house

 

[stardusted]

tonight im working on drafting a note, its way harder than i expected?? normally i can talk about anything for hours but i feel so embarrassed and nervous typing this thing knowing it might be the last or only memory some people have of me. im such a narcissist lol i dont know why i care so much about that but i cant stop myself from thinking that way.
maybe it would help to set some goals to guide myself. thats what i think my english teachers would say. i guess i could start by deciding who i want to address directly. i want to write to my dad, my mom, and my sister for sure. im imagining writing to my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins but i feel that might do more harm than good; i dont want to make them be more sad about it or feel guilty or anything especially if they werent already going to. of course i want to talk to my gf as well, but maybe i should do a separate one for her? it seems a little dramatic to send her the note that includes all my family xd. i can decide that later. i also wanna send something to the friends i met online recently, and maybe my friends from school? that one seems a little dramatic too... idk. ill start with close family, gf, online friends for tonight

 

[stardusted]

today (yesterday? the days all run together) i threw myself at some transcription work, really let myself get lost in it. it was super refreshing to feel like i was making progress on something tangible. ive decided i would like to record a little cover of this song and maybe one other one before i ctb. theyre both songs that are important to me and to my gf so i always felt a little happier when i'm playing them and covering them is the best way i know how to show my love for them. i also selfishly think that maybe people will remember me more fondly if i die having recently put out something nice. its a silly fantasy but its keeping me sane right now. is it too dramatic to include a song as part of my note? i think it would be easier to express myself that way, so i'll consider it.

i also had my first voice lesson today. it was a sort of intake session so i didnt really do anything yet, but it seemed promising until later i got a $312 charge to my card (that didnt even go through oh my god im gonna freak out) which is a little bit insane. oh well. im gonna have to pick up a job for this last month here to pay for all this shit so im not also putting a financial burden on my family. fuck.

 

[stardusted]

my friend is trying to encourage me to reconnect with my gf and im so so so scared. i know she hates me. i need to get the supplies soon or im gonna have a breakdown and leave myself all fucked up and without any agency. im also extra scared because my mom has been checking up on me a lot lately and i think she can tell somethings up. she cried today for what felt like no reason but she kept saying how shes so happy im here. i felt so guilty. i dont know how im gonna do it i dont want to hurt her but i cant keep going like this.

i tried hard practicing bass again today. i think if i really work at it i can get this done soon. i dont think ill be able to have the second song ready like i wanted. i dont even know if ill have this song ready but its gonna have to be good enough. some of my sensory issues are coming back again and it makes it difficult but ill make do. i know i wont have to hurt anymore soon.

im not all too sure how im going to even buy the sn anymore because my parents will be suspicious of the charge on my card. this is all so fucked. i wish i could ask for help. its not fair. why can nobody help me die?

 

[stardusted]

i slept all day yesterday

im gonna talk to her today

i feel terrible

 

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i sent her a video of a cute bunny, the same way i have a hundred times before. i dont know why its so scary. maybe if shes asleep by now i can give her a real apology. im too embarrassed to do it if shes there to read it as i type.

 

[stardusted]

i sent the message

 

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i dont know why, but she took me back. i dont understand what i did to deserve this. shes pissed at me and i feel guiltier than ever, but ive been gifted a sliver of a chance and i want to try again. after talking to her again, my daily efforts toward suicide slowly converted themselves into efforts to take care of myself, sort of without trying. ive gotten some exercise, ive lost some weight, ive practiced more music, ive slept more. im working on voice training, im planning to go back to school, and im doing more things i enjoy. i dont know if i feel alive yet but i think one day i could. i love her so much

 

[stardusted]

im back. i dont even know how she feels about me anymore, but i cant do this any longer. i just moved into this apartment for school and its so lonely and scary and i hate it. ive found sources for all my drugs though! it was like a little treasure hunt :) now i just gotta figure out how to order them. ive never been very good with computers and stuff so sorting out crypto and everything is really tough but overall, i feel optimistic about the whole process. i think i have just enough money in my bank account to make all the orders. honestly the most difficult part is probably gonna be finding a place to do it... i dont wanna traumatize my new roommates lol. itll probably take me about a week or two from now to get it done, so i gotta fly under the radar a little while longer. im gonna get to bed now so i can keep attending my classes on time and not make anyone suspicious. thank u to anyone whos reading this, ill try to keep making updates if anyone is curious... i know i felt comforted reading other people's personal accounts like these, so maybe ill be that way for someone too. anyway! signing off, goodnight for now ^^

 

[stardusted]

the rain hasnt stopped all day

i tried to cook an easy meal for myself and it was awful

i went to class and embarrassed myself

someone in my orbit attempted and i dont even feel anything

i dont know why im still here