Personal Diary - "The Creek"

[Raine Meadows]

Transcription:

Hello readers, well, if you're here anyway. I want to get back into journaling, but I've been a depressed loser. Hopefully I'll get back into the groove of things if I post online. I hope handwriting is okay. Maybe I could include some stickers. I write to communicate even if my spelling is bad rather than for aesthetics, haha. Well, I'm still figuring things out.

Also, I have a lot of colors too. Black, blue, red, purple, brown, dark brown, grey, pink, magenta, lilac, coral pink, orange, dark red, sky blue, turquoise, navy blue, forest green, green, [and] lime green. There are also highlights I can do too. Maybe I'll change the color based on a wheel spin, though! I think journaling gacha is pretty fun! (Do know, I do not play gacha games, but I almost got into it when I was a teen.)

7-30-2025

[TN: Since I cannot convey all of the colors on here, I choose to leave the text in its default color.

Also, I will adjust grammar/spelling for easier readability. Forgive me for any oddities, for this is my first time. I may or may not post more underneath for any additions. I am also unsure where to post such content but have decided here for now.

Do note that some days may be pleasant and others may not. I will put a content warning for content that has serious topics. Also I might talk a lot here if that's ok (I didn't see any rules about double posting within a thread).

Also, if you need to refer to me, I'll go by Raine here. Also note that I am queer and could have some queer musings; if that's not your cup of tea, then please head to another thread. I do not plan to put a content warning for queerness.

TN stands for Transcription Note, by the way.]

---

Original:

 

[Raine Meadows]

Transcription:
CW: Implied suicidal thoughts

---

Trying things out
Hello all, welcome back. So I wanted to try something new today. The paper here is wide-ruled, but it is loose, which will help with scanning. I'm not sure when this paper was bought. It was on clearance, though.

Right now it's morning, so much hasn't happened yet. You know, some mornings I feel upset in a mild way that I wake up. Like wouldn't it be nice to sleep forever? I like the feeling of infeeling [unfeeling]. The main problem with dying is that my brother would be devastated & my grandma. Another—if childish [reason]—is that I wouldn't be able to even interact with my plushies ever again. Where would my cuties go when I'm gone? I know they won't be adopted as a group. My sisters and the community would all be separated. I have a huge soft spot for them. :(

Anyways, I also do writing outside of journaling. I have a bunch of original characters, and I like to pair them together as lovers, haha. You know, I haven't found out until recently that was I was doing was daydreaming, and I daydream hard. I have a lot of internal worlds, and it's like my own personal TV. I tune into a lotta romances, haha. I've consistently been a hopeless romantic for my whole life, yet I don't think I've truly desired anyone in real life. Recently this year, I heard of aegosexuality. I think this [micro]label describes me well.

It was only a few months ago that I had seriously considered that I could be LGBT. All from a dream & reflection. But even before that, I had yearned a lot in ways that aren't [of a] typical [attraction]. [Basically, in every story ever, I've been centering the women, and I had a crush on a woman for, like, 11 years. I'm 20 years old, btw.] Now in my daydreams I can finally stop feeling guilty for living a contradiction. Too bad my family doesn't like queer people. It'd be nice if they did. It's something that brings me joy.

It's funny that I took up a hobby that's about me when I don't like talking about myself. What a goober, huh? Hopefully this ain't too boring, but then again, it's just a diary. Would you be okay with me sharing my writing? Eh, then again, I write in the most barren prose possible. I want to exist in some manner, like a legacy of some sort. I want someone to think fondly of me. I love writing yearning. There's something about 2 people or even one choosing to stay by someone's side. It's a form of intimacy that even an aroace can be into. It's not that we're emotionless; we just don't feel those urges like others do.
Oh hey, I forgot, but I wanted to try out baking. I've been wanting some red velvet moon pies. I just love red velvet. Damn, it's been a few weeks already. I'm such a goober, man. Oh gosh, August is tomorrow. I have to face reality sooner or later. It's hard to feel like the future has a chance of forgiveness. It feels like my life is already over. It's not objectively true, but it feels like it is.

This is the end of the page. I could write more today or not. Farewell, reader.
[7-31-2025]
[Darn, the highlighter doesn't really look good when scanned! You also can't really see the holographics well either and wow that paper is aged.]

---

Original:

 

[Raine Meadows]

Transcription:
Loser core Diary!
Hiya sorry for not updating. Well, I doubt anyone is reading this anyways. I'm pretty self loathing and I think everyone hates me. Maybe not literally so but it sure feels that way.
I don't want to be depressing forever but damn am I insufferable. I should be hired as a form of unusual and [something] punishment. I literally can't think of any good qualities I have. My existence makes the world a little worse. I know my grandma would be devastated though. After her maybe my brother. After that noone. Going to Nowhere would have no consequences. Well maybe my toy owls. I'd feel bad for them as losercore as that may sound. All humans do is lie and pat themselves on the back. They don't care. Sanctity of life until you're born. Sanctity of life until you're a woman, queer, a racial minority, disabled, etc.
My life is useless & ineffectual. I need to go back to daydreaming. It's where I want to go. I don't want my grandma to be upset. What a crybaby.
What a terrible self loathing diary entry!
[Crudely drawn owls]
8-10-2025

[TN: Sorry for the lack of updates and inconsistencies. I've not been writing.]

---

Original: