Story Personal Diary + Introduction

[fluorescentpearl]

the way you write is so beautiful and full of love, I hope you'll be happy with your loved one in the afterlife

Thank uu.. I hope so too.. It's the only thing I have left to hope for

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Another day waking up without him, I dreamt of him again, he and I were on a ship, watching the waves, he stood next to me, holding my hand and he kept glancing at me.. I looked at him and met his eyes, he just watched me and kissed me.. Then he looked at my neck, whispered "how much longer?" ..

I don't know how much longer, if it was up to me I'd have died long ago.. Seeing him in my dreams is my only comfort left, his light lashes, his eyes.. I miss his eyes, I love him so deeply..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Today I feel worse than usual, the shards presence is weak and he keeps promising me everything is okay even if he keeps disappearing, I really do want to die, the small bit of time he was around fully he comforted me and said he wishes he could be the one to kill me, he says that often recently.. Says the rope will just be his hands, the SN will be his tears, I just have to take it so I can die and be with him, and I'd be happy to..

I know it Is him, because I did many tests and checked many things, so I'd know it was him, not a delusion or anything but a spiritual encounter.. He brought his little servant along once, she apologized to me so many times and said she didn't understand but that once I'm dead I can be with him again, it was nice, to get more reassurance that I'll be with him when I'm dead..

I have a stupid flicker of hope he'll return but that will never leave, sadly, especially with my mother telling me constantly that she thinks he will come back since she remembers how he looks at me and speaks of me..

I'm so tired, I can't handle another day without him, I'm drying up and dying slowly, withering away, the longer I'm without him the worse I feel, I miss him, I truly deeply miss him.. I love him more than anything, why can't that be enough.. Why must I be too weak to be his in this world?

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Same as usual.. I dreamt of my beloved, tonight he made love to me, it was nice.. He comforted me and kissed my forehead, he told me soon it'll all be over, he choked me in the dream (after the stuff we did) and looked pained himself, that he couldn't do it to me and I had to do it to myself, he dug his nails into my throat and kissed it, he told me it's not true that he doesn't love me anymore, he told me he adored me, it was nice.. It was nice to be loved again, by him, it was so nice.. I woke up crying again

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Tonight he acted jealous, he was upset that I considered letting the guy I met kill me.. He squeezed me so tight, hugging me so tight, it was.. So nice, he made me swear I'd never let someone else kill me, only myself.. He made me promise it a thousand times, kissing me everywhere as I promised it.. It was cute, it felt so real..
Waking up from these dreams is always horrible, I feel so loved and so happy finally, I feel so safe, I feel so complete, then I open my eyes and everything crashes back down, the reality that I'm without him in this world, that I'm alone and pointless, that I can't go to him for help or comfort, its killing me.. It's killing me as the days go by, its a slow painful death and it hurts so bad.. Why can't I just end it quickly and he okay? Why do I have to suffer, I guess I deserve it, I'm used up and ruined, but I still don't want this.. I wish I had my puppy back, I miss uu my puppy

 

[100memoryleaks]

Tonight he acted jealous, he was upset that I considered letting the guy I met kill me.. He squeezed me so tight, hugging me so tight, it was.. So nice, he made me swear I'd never let someone else kill me, only myself.. He made me promise it a thousand times, kissing me everywhere as I promised it.. It was cute, it felt so real..
Waking up from these dreams is always horrible, I feel so loved and so happy finally, I feel so safe, I feel so complete, then I open my eyes and everything crashes back down, the reality that I'm without him in this world, that I'm alone and pointless, that I can't go to him for help or comfort, its killing me.. It's killing me as the days go by, its a slow painful death and it hurts so bad.. Why can't I just end it quickly and he okay? Why do I have to suffer, I guess I deserve it, I'm used up and ruined, but I still don't want this.. I wish I had my puppy back, I miss uu my puppy

I wish I could have such vivid dreams about my beloved as well, my dreams always feel so random

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I wish I could have such vivid dreams about my beloved as well, my dreams always feel so random

I only get vivid ones cus my beloveds spirit is in them I hope uurs will show up in the dreams as well.. It must be exhausting to not see him even at least in a dream

 

[fluorescentpearl]

My beloveds shard asked me to cut for him, it's nice to do it for him again, he seems so happy and loving to my wounds, I can feel this aura of just innate bliss and love surrounding me when I do it, he seems so happy, I wish I also felt happier, I miss him and it hurts that I can't love him and pet him and be around him, I wish I could, but soon I'll be able to, soon I'll be wif my love again, he won't have to cry in my dreams about missing me, I'll be with him.. I'll love him forever and he'll love me, it makes me so happy, it's so happy to be loved
.
Cutting only feels good until I realize I can't show him and tell him and get love in return, I feel so guilty, his shard is doing his hardest to love me and hover around me, he's always trying to send good things to me, he's always in my dreams loving me and comforting me, and I sit here and cry like a baby because I can't hug him, it's so upsetting, I miss him so badly, I miss Him as he is in this world, I miss everything about him, I even miss the habit I was so annoyed by of biting his piercings, I miss everything, I wish he didn't leave, I wish for it so bad, his shard is just around me trying to give me all the love he can but it'll never feel like its enough until I can touch him, now that I found out what it feels like to be loved in flesh I want it so bad but I only want it from him, I want him, I don't want anyone else, I want my puppy, I want my puppy so bad, I can't breathe, I just want my puppy, I just want it all to end, I want this missing to end I want this to end I just want to be in his arms again, I miss you, God I miss you so badly it is driving me insane

 

[darkshadownice]

Holy shit, BPD is terrifying. I don't wish it on anyone.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Holy shit, BPD is terrifying. I don't wish it on anyone.

I'm curious what about my thread was terrifying?

 

[darkshadownice]

I'm curious what about my thread was terrifying?

Idk, the way you speak I suppose. It strikes me as someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. An intense fear of abandonment and difficulties in regulating emotion are traits of BPD. I don't mean to insult, I'm just speculating (and I'm probably wrong)

I just put a gun into my mouth with a loaded round a couple of hours ago, so I'm kind of riding off of that emotional high rn.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Idk, the way you speak I suppose. It strikes me as someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. An intense fear of abandonment and difficulties in regulating emotion are traits of BPD. I don't mean to insult, I'm just speculating (and I'm probably wrong)

I just put a gun into my mouth with a loaded round a couple of hours ago, so I'm kind of riding off of that emotional high rn.

Oh no I do have bpd! I just was curious what about it was terrifying, it's smt I live with everyday so it's..i guess shocking to hear someone see my struggle as actual struggle, it doesn't happen often..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Besides dreaming of the breakup day, I had a dream of him comforting me again, telling me soon it can be over and we can be together again, it was nice, he told me I can't tell anyone around me about it, that I have to act like I'm getting better, so they can trust me to be alone.. Four more days until I can go, it feels almost insane, knowing how soon it is, I really love him, I trust him, if he says it'll all be okay when I go then Ill believe it
.
Currently cutting is my only comfort, when I do it I can feel his hand fusing into mine, he leads my hand to slice his love into me, blood drips in hearts, it feels so nice, it's the closest thing to feeling him I have left

 

[Estrella87]

How do you think he will react if you ctb? And your family, parents, etc ?

 

[darkshadownice]

Oh no I do have bpd! I just was curious what about it was terrifying, it's smt I live with everyday so it's..i guess shocking to hear someone see my struggle as actual struggle, it doesn't happen often..

Because it sounds like hell to live with it; emotional instability, intense unstable relationships between valuing someone and devaluing someone, fears of abandonment and being alone, unstable identity. And then there's also things like hormones affecting you at a younger age.

That sounds like true suffering; I certainly couldn't imagine living with something like that. I already suffer from autism (high-functioning), and that alone is such an uphill battle.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

The more I process about him the more I realize how much wrong he did towards me, idk how to feel about that, having met someone that's so gentle with me it feels almost strikingly different

 

[YourLocalEdgelord]

I let a rape ruin my view of myself,

Not again... I don't think even SaSu would let me write what should be done to whoever did this to you. I'm so angry!!!

dont mind being strange and neither should any of you, I believe words like loser, monster, creep, parasite, pest, should be upheld.. You deserve to be good! You deserve to have the word used against you become positive..

Your mindset is incredible!! It's a wonderful achievement to stay true to yourself, despite all the horrible things others say.

My beloved

I tried to understand, but I gotta ask. Who is he? Is he someone within you?

Also, do you lucid dream?

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Well it seems he decided to text me, after all the blocking and insults and uncertainty, he decided to send someone to talk to me, just to remind me I have to die soon so they can get back all their money, n to ship back my phone so they can resell it, is that even mandatory? Is it Mandatory that I have to give everything back, for putting me through the shit they did I could js hold onto it all, what a weird thing to wake up to on my moms birthday
It's unfair, it's unfair that he gets to throw everything away like it was nothing, if he made that commitment shouldn't he be ready to deal w the aftermath? He should be able to deal w this no? Be a man or whatever, he threw me out a window and now wants me to kms faster so I can give him back cash, that's so fucking annoying, god wtf kind of start to the day is this, how could I love and care for him for so long and be treated like this? I'm not a commodity or a rag I shouldn't have to be, he used me up and threw me aside like it was fucking nothing? Ugh
"It's been a while since you promised to send it back" it's been a week, how much faster do you need me to do it, I can't just end it all in two seconds, I can't afford to, even when I hope I have a chance at living even if for a little bit it all just goes to hell when somehow the universe reminds me I'm better off dead, literally 0 people would benefit from me being alive
Well no.. That's a lie
I know He would benefit from me being alive, the man I've met, He would much prefer it, He would be destroyed if I ended it all so suddenly, and yet that's the only person that truly would want me alive at least for a small bit more..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Another fantasy of death, of one by myself, hanging myself somewhere, how I'd spend my last moments alone and afraid, as I've always been in this life, how I'd cry, how I'd claw at my throat to get the rope off in case of a miracle, how I'd die regardless.. There's something morbidly comfortable in dying as you've always felt, not having to try anything new, knowing how you've lived is how you'll go..
Unloved, afraid, hidden and hostile, so lonely, so so very lonely
I've been getting this urge all day, to just vanish for a few days, see how people react if I just disappeared, treat myself to my usual pain of solitude, hide in the synthetic dark of a closed room and ignore every single person in this universe
How would they react? How much pain would I bring? How much joy? What would the absence of me do, realistically?
I wish I did not wish for the pain I've always felt
That I'm a worthless little soul bound to be alone, return to my days of begging and crying just to have someone.. Yet now I have someone, it is strange
There's always this layer of distrust, waiting for the moment he will have a realization or will admit something, or he will find something out about me that I don't even know? Just waiting for that, wallowing in my misery until he realizes I'm too broken for anyone and goes on his own
And yet he is so kind to me, I know he would not do that to me, unlike many others have, but What If.. What if.. What if
What if will be the death of me, it'll bring me to ruin as it already has before
Maybe I'd even die now, laying in the grass and let the world take back my body, may flowers grow from it
I wish I was a flower, maybe I am
Picked and wilted
Maybe I was a flower that blooms only once, now all I'm good for is a bunch of leaves in a beautiful garden..
If I die here in the grass I hope flowers will grow from my corpse and those passing by will call me beautiful, they'll look into the garden and take photographs of all the beautiful colors and I'll be good, and I'll be pretty, and I'll be soft and cared for by nature, who knows

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I wish I had enough energy to rewatch my most favorite animated show, Castlevania, I was always an enormous fan of the games and seeing it be transformed to a show was so amazing.. The story of Dracula will always pull at my heart strings
An isolated man who finds a stubborn woman to love that is so kind it becomes the end of her, how he swears to destroy the world once she's taken from him, his elaborate suicide to condemn all the humans that didn't see the truth, turning the planet into hell just to make them see the truth of what everything is
It's so tragic and romantic, I love it
When they are brought back to life and given a second chance their reuniting scene will always stick to my brain
"I'm not going to get better without you" "And I was never going to be better without you"
It's so.. Ugh, it's so romantic it kills me

 

[SuicidalCheese]

Belief in life after death seems nice. I do hope that whatever you do works, but, I would suggest trying to do one, incredibly nich, stupid thing that you know you'd never do of you'd planned to stay on this realm before you CTB, just to feel a little more content.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I'm usually so shy on call but his voice is so nice that I'm gonna kms only out of joy it made me so comfy I'm gonna die if I died hearing to his voice I'd die happy ugh!!!!!!!!

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I miss his voice, it felt so familiar and so comforting, if I'm going to die I'd want to hear it one last time.. Which I hopefully will

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I can't stand that the country I'm from, the culture, the ethnicity, the history, that its been tainted so badly that I find myself forgetting and choken up of my own language
It's so frustrating, it's so humiliating to give up on your own tongue to bow down to people here that refuse to learn, and they drag you down with them to forget your own language
It's so!! Frustrating it pisses me off and I don't enjoy feeling angry

 

[suncide10]

I can't stand that the country I'm from, the culture, the ethnicity, the history, that its been tainted so badly that I find myself forgetting and choken up of my own language
It's so frustrating, it's so humiliating to give up on your own tongue to bow down to people here that refuse to learn, and they drag you down with them to forget your own language
It's so!! Frustrating it pisses me off and I don't enjoy feeling angry

May I ask where are you from?

 

[fluorescentpearl]

May I ask where are you from?

Estonia, how so

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Visit all planned, now onto the next step, constant anxiety about him hating me forever! Hooray! I just love having ocd it's the best for sure,ugh
I lov his voice, I think if I get to hear him laugh once in person my life will have been worth it

 

[hdead]

Wait? Are you visiting him? Does that mean you're going to CTB soon? Last time I checked you were supposed to reunite with him in the afterlife. What happened? Why will he potentially hate you in the afterlife?

Sorry for all the questions, I guess I'm just kinda slow, haha.

Anyway, I hope the travel goes well and honestly I don't think he'll hate you. Try not to get so worked up over it, although I get it - I kinda function similarly anyway. People always just tell me to not overthink it and get over myself. Maybe that advice will work for you, too.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Wait? Are you visiting him? Does that mean you're going to CTB soon? Last time I checked you were supposed to reunite with him in the afterlife. What happened? Why will he potentially hate you in the afterlife?

Sorry for all the questions, I guess I'm just kinda slow, haha.

Anyway, I hope the travel goes well and honestly I don't think he'll hate you. Try not to get so worked up over it, although I get it - I kinda function similarlyl anyway. People always just tell me to not overthink it and get over myself. Maybe that advice will work for you, too.

Hello kind sir, a bird from this forum let me know my ex was an abusive prick that ruined my life and that I was psychotic or whatever! Which kind of crashed onto me within one day, and meeting someone that I felt so familiar with and close to that I might ctb with! We'll see, who knows
I know how it sounds, lwk, that I'm a soulless person hopping relationships to find meaning in life (which I used to be that way tbh) but I truly do feel it's different this time, for reasons I can't get into fully smh
But that very kind bird I met (who's actually a man not a bird) I felt a connection to immediately once we began speaking more comfortably, it's like I've known him forever, I can be open about everything I feel and have on my mind with no judgement (unless it's bagged milk) , he takes the words out of my mouth for so many things, it's the first time that I truly genuinely think I feel understood by someone as messed up as I am
He's nice, or well, nice doesn't cut it, he's a lovely amazing man that I'm grateful I got to meet when I did, and I'm grateful to have him around in case we go through with committing together
Who knows how it'll go, but it's nice to feel understood and cared for as I am, without having to pretend or be upset all the time
I truly do believe in an afterlife, and I do believe there's a man I was meant to meet here and love, it's been a truth to my life ever since I was young and had memories of him who I'd never met, I just think maybe that man is not my ex
If he is then he really really was mean to me and I am not happy with how low I had to go, on my knees, begging to be loved, by this supposed soulmate that I couldn't even hold deeper conversations with and who freaked out when I got sad ever
Who knows!
But I am happy with him (not the ex), he's an amazing man, I admire him so much for everything he's done and been through, and I'm happy to be around him

As for not overthinking, I wish! As for getting over myself, I wish! If I had a fucking switch to turn off all the emotions I would, actually, I'd love to just chill and not kms in anxiety 24/7 about everything ever
But thank you, I Guess

 

[hdead]

Hello kind sir, a bird from this forum let me know my ex was an abusive prick that ruined my life and that I was psychotic or whatever! Which kind of crashed onto me within one day, and meeting someone that I felt so familiar with and close to that I might ctb with! We'll see, who knows
I know how it sounds, lwk, that I'm a soulless person hopping relationships to find meaning in life (which I used to be that way tbh) but I truly do feel it's different this time, for reasons I can't get into fully smh
But that very kind bird I met (who's actually a man not a bird) I felt a connection to immediately once we began speaking more comfortably, it's like I've known him forever, I can be open about everything I feel and have on my mind with no judgement (unless it's bagged milk) , he takes the words out of my mouth for so many things, it's the first time that I truly genuinely think I feel understood by someone as messed up as I am
He's nice, or well, nice doesn't cut it, he's a lovely amazing man that I'm grateful I got to meet when I did, and I'm grateful to have him around in case we go through with committing together
Who knows how it'll go, but it's nice to feel understood and cared for as I am, without having to pretend or be upset all the time
I truly do believe in an afterlife, and I do believe there's a man I was meant to meet here and love, it's been a truth to my life ever since I was young and had memories of him who I'd never met, I just think maybe that man is not my ex
If he is then he really really was mean to me and I am not happy with how low I had to go, on my knees, begging to be loved, by this supposed soulmate that I couldn't even hold deeper conversations with and who freaked out when I got sad ever
Who knows!
But I am happy with him (not the ex), he's an amazing man, I admire him so much for everything he's done and been through, and I'm happy to be around him

As for not overthinking, I wish! As for getting over myself, I wish! If I had a fucking switch to turn off all the emotions I would, actually, I'd love to just chill and not kms in anxiety 24/7 about everything ever
But thank you, I Guess

I'm really sorry to hear about the bagged milk. It seems like a weird subject to be judging over. Are you sure this guy is not toxic?

Either way, thanks for explaining in so much detail. That clears things up a bunch. And I also wish I had a switch to turn off. Maybe I'll go dip my finger in my SN tub later to see how it tastes and accidentally CTB - because I'm not quite ready to fully commit anyway.

Safe travels!