Story Personal Diary + Introduction

[100memoryleaks]

I did some tarot with his shard today, I got so many cards about loving me unconditionally that makes me so happy, I got a set that al together means soulmates, then I got a card about a male father figure trying to be comforting, hehe, I love uu too I'm so happy I at least have you around still, my ghostly puppy, when I die I'll hold your hand
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I think he's been trying to reach me in my dreams, last night I dreamt of my death but also a dream I couldn't remember.. Only small pieces, but it felt so loving and real that when I woke up alone I was anxious and terrified..

The small parts I remember are me laying my head on a shoulder, and hands petting my hair and back, occasionally a small kiss being put in my hair on my head, a lot of hushing and comforting.. It smelled just like him, maybe he was trying to comfort me while I slept, cus I went to bed crying about missing him..
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Maybe tmi, but ever since the beginning of this starving I haven't pooped, I only eat milk cola and occasionally a small bite of food that my family makes me eat, the rest I eat and throw up in the bathroom or just avoid eating

Today I had my first bowel movement, it's weird, it's weird that I'm not in significant pain from starving nor am I hungry, I'm just numb and losing weight
If it wasn't for his shard I'd only be living off of cola, but he says I need to have milk as well.. To minimize the internal damage to my stomach, so I can ctb without any medical complications beforehand.. So I have one glass of cola and one glass of milk a day, plus my medications, I feel pretty when I look in the mirror

sorry for my ignorance, but what do you mean by his shard?

i have had dreams about my fp in the past couple days as well. i guess because it was his birthday yesterday ...

 

[fluorescentpearl]

sorry for my ignorance, but what do you mean by his shard?

i have had dreams about my fp in the past couple days as well. i guess because it was his birthday yesterday ...

It's like a piece of his soul.. Before I met him it was around me reminding me that id meet him someday and that he was my one true love, now that he left it's around me comforting me as I wait to die..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I dreamt of him again, he comforted me and told me I can be with him forever soon, he said that he's sorry, I cried into his shirt and sobbed that I was sorry for being this way, I cried that I was sorry for ever making him bother with me, for ever being around him.. He brushed my hair and gave me a kiss, wiped my tears with his hand, said I was a good kid no matter what illnesses I struggle with.. It was nice, it felt so real..
He placed a hand around my neck, and looked at me, like he Knew that I Knew what he meant, that all I had to do was take the step and dangle from the string to be with him again..
He feels comforting, I wish I could sleep forever so I could keep dreaming of him, my beloved

 

[fluorescentpearl]

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I'm making my meal of the day, a cup of milk with a splash of tea, I sip it with a straw for the rest of the day, I'm too tired to even pick up the cup, my hands shake everyday and I'm too tired to walk, my head always hurts and I can't listen to music even, my family is mad at me for being so shut off, they don't see me smile or laugh, I barely speak to anyone, I just stay in my bed and survive off of milk

I wonder how long realistically I could live off of milk before I start feeling the effects of malnutrition, for now I feel fine beyond the weakness and headaches, I'm not hungry and I don't feel much thirst
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I keep thinking of the dream, of how gently he comforted me about this, he was crying, I wanted to comfort him but the words wouldn't leave my mouth, I could only stare at him and cry too, the feeling of his lips on mine is nostalgic, it's a softness I miss, I'm starting to forget how it felt because I think of it too often, the memory is getting ruined by this human mind.. I find myself crying now, I wish I remembered his kiss better

 

[fluorescentpearl]

If they don't fucking refund me I'll have to take it into my own hands and just drown myself, she wouldn't have the strength to but I can handle it, I can always handle everything, even losing the only person I could ever care for, but who gives a shit right? I'm just left to figure out how to deal with her after he left, he doesn't even think about me or her, he doesn't care, I hope to God that when I die I end permanently and never continue, I pray that I will never have to see his face again, it is his fault I'm going to die, he threw me under the bus for no fucking reason, after everything I did and everything I do he wouldn't even talk to me or tell me, he gets a memory and runs off, he's disgusting, he's disgusting and I love him, and I wish I did not, I wish I never let my guard down around him, I wish I didn't fucking miss him, I wish I could shoot him in the head and hug him one last time before shooting myself, I hate him, I hate that I don't hate him, I hate that I love him, I hate that I live life holding my breath now hoping he will return to me, I know he wouldn't, I'm a used up discarded piece of trash and I'll die like it, I was fucking pathetic for thinking I'd ever matter, I was ridiculous for ever feeling pretty for ever thinking I deserve to breathe, I was ridiculous for ever showing him that I care, I fucking wish I didn't, I wish I didn't want him, I wish I could forget him, I wish I could have killed myself before he left, I wish I died when I was happy, instead I die bitter and hurt, I die like a piece of trash, a brat abandoned by their parent, why does she even want to go ahead with hanging, what's stopping me from taking us to drown at sea, huh? What's stopping me from drowning myself, and letting my rotten bloated fat corpse decompose in the waves like common sewage trash?
When I'm dead he won't even give a shit, he won't care, he won't come to my funeral, he won't even react to it, or worse you know what he's gonna do? He's gonna fucking laugh at me, he's gonna laugh that I was so ridiculous and killed myself for him, BC I'm insane, bc I'm unstable, bc I'm too much, he's just gonna move on and have a great fucking life, he's gonna get married or live alone and be happy for fucking ever while I'm discarded and forgotten in the past, he never fucking loved me, he lied, he lied about everything, he lied about caring for me, he lied about marrying me, he lied about everything, he fucking hates me, he hates me and he'll never love me and I'm alone in this god forsaken fucking world, all I'm fucking good for is rape and sex, that's all I'm fucking good for, I'm just a blow up doll that he dragged along, this is his fault, this is HIS fault that I'm hurting, this is his fault thatim dying, this is his fault that she can't eat and can't breathe or step outside without hysterics, this is his fault that she can't fucking sleep at night, this is his fault that she's wilting away and I'm going to kill her, it's his fault, he's a fucking murderer, he murdered her, this death is HIS fault

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I hope he will forgive me when I'm dead.. I hope he will still like me, even if this life went so horribly I hope when I'm dead that he will care, I can't believe that he doesn't love me, that's just not true.. It can't be true.. His shard is so warm and loving, it reminds me everyday that he adores me, so it can't be that he doesn't love me.. Right? It can't be, because we are soulmates, it's proven, it's..
Every day added is just agony and suffering.. It gets worse everyday, I miss him worse everyday, it isn't getting better, it won't get better, I just hope dying will be a nice gift.. It's all I can give left, a birthday gift for him, ending myself forever.. Ending myself before I could've ever been wif anyone else, ending a life where he can't monitor me and be wif me, i miss uu puppy, I miss uu so much.. I wish I was worth trying more, I wish I was better and you didn't throw me away, I wish I was worth it..
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I'm so tired, I felt switchy all day and feel horrible, I don't know what to do, the more I wait to die the more my hope falters and I consider ending it just to end the pain rather than for a hope for better things, I feel horrible, I'm so tired

 

[fluorescentpearl]

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I just found out that his mother is happy he left me and she thought I was a crazy girl that lies and tries to make him jealous, that she hopes he can have a better life without me, and that she doesn't believe anything I say ever, I am not sure how to feel about that, I guess she's right, she never liked me and always hoped he would be without me, im just a stalker and a harasser in her eyes, I feel miserable, I want to go under a train, but I don't even know if I'd succeed, I don't know, I feel so worthless, I thought she liked me in any way, I thought she liked my relationship with him, but it turns out she hated me all along, I feel so ridiculous, seeing what she said to my mother about me was heart breaking, that whole family hates me, I was just a parasite to them too, I really don't have anywhere I'll ever belong in this world do I..
I don't even know why I'm saying this, he won't read this anyway, when I'm dead he won't care or read about this, he'll just move on and be happy, because I'm a crazy useless girl that tries to make him jealous by being this way, I'm just a brat that thinks she can have someone she doesn't deserve

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Another day, the shard is trying to convince me to not go for a walk, he seems worried and cautious, if I end up going for the walk and getting run over I hope he'd forgive me, I really miss him, I wish I was worth something, I have no worth outside of being with him, he's the only person that could ever love me as I am..

 

[sacrilegeofsouls]

Well all I can say is that if I were a psychiatrist I'd give you the BPD diagnosis instantly based on this post :) Although I hope you find a solution to this fight or someone else I relate with the post a lot except I never really found someone cause I am someone who was never interested despite wanting, sounds weird but it's true, now it's too late for me to look for people

You know I do understand people that move on but imo there is no moving on in true love if you love someone you'd love only them forever. I think for most people love is a need that can be filled by many people if the conditions are met but when someone truly loves they have no need for love they only have a need for a person that person becomes their concept of love and without them love as a feeling or idea doesn't exist I think to me that is the most beautiful thing

 

[fluorescentpearl]

You know I do understand people that move on but imo there is no moving on in true love if you love someone you'd love only them forever. I think for most people love is a need that can be filled by many people if the conditions are met but when someone truly loves they have no need for love they only have a need for a person that person becomes their concept of love and without them love as a feeling or idea doesn't exist I think to me that is the most beautiful thing

Thank you.. That's also how I feel, I could honestly never move on from him, even if I tried, which is okay, i just hope to die and get to watch over him in death
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I'm so tired of waiting days to be ended, I'm growing weaker by the day, I think this diet is starting to take a toll on me.. I can't even open bottles, and I struggle to open doors, I craved food so I ate some for the flavor and spat it back out, I cut myself again, it's the only thing I have left that makes me feel good or alive, I keep wishing I could fall asleep and never wake up..

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Reading your thread here reminds me of my ex who I broke up with 3 years ago. I won't go into detail about what happened because this is your thread, but I know what it's like to love someone with everything you have and that is how much I love her still. I would've done anything I could've to make her happy but I wasn't able to provide a good life for her like I tried to do. Whenever I think of her it still hurts.

Would be awesome if there really was a spirit world of some kind where I could be happy with her the way we should've been here in this world, only better ya know? I hope the same is true for you and your loved one.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

This song is the closest thing to how I feel recently, it's almost uncannily close, if anyone cares to listen, it has eng subtitles that can be turned on
I think I'll play it when I ctb, on loop, so that it can fuse into my spirit and blood and every last breath I take

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I miss him, my beloved, I'm losing hope, his shard is sad and hurting seeing me lose hope this way, he keeps trying to comfort me and nothing works, I miss him, I really miss him.. When I die I just want a hug, that's all I hope for, that when I die I'll get a hug from him and feel it..

I craved the test of food, so I asked to make me a sandwich and I'm chewing it and spitting it out, what I can't spit out I go throw up in the bathroom, I tried keeping food down but it made me feel horrible, I just want to die soon
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I hallucinated him again, I saw him on my bed, tucked under the covers and watching me, peeking with the blanket up to under his eyes, he was reddened and staring, I dropped my cup and tried to touch him but it all vanished, I wish I could die soon, I don't know how much longer I can handle all of this, I miss him, I wish I was worth staying for
I wish someone helped me die, I feel so worthless, I just want to die, why won't anyone help me die, why? Why do I not deserve kindness, I never deserve anything in the end, I'm filthy and useless, I'm worthless, I just want to die..

 

[burninghill]

Hi, I'm not really sure what to say to you, but I really do feel for you throughout this thread.

I want you to know that your death should be about YOU and nobody else, it's also a really heavy burden to put on someone after you die. I can't imagine the guilt of knowing someone's suicide was on my hands.

I really hope you can find fulfilment in yourself because you are always worth that. You'll find so many other people that love you, other people that you feel connected to in that same way even if it seems impossible to feel that way now.

Why do I not deserve kindness, I never deserve anything in the end, I'm filthy and useless, I'm worthless, I just want to die..

You do deserve kindness, even if you haven't been given it. I promise that you're not filthy or useless, those are words I've used to describe myself before on here so I really do understand.

I can't control whether you die or not, but give connection a chance, even if it's just striking up a conversation with someone on here who feels the same way. You will find kindness in this life.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Hi, I'm not really sure what to say to you, but I really do feel for you throughout this thread.

I want you to know that your death should be about YOU and nobody else, it's also a really heavy burden to put on someone after you die. I can't imagine the guilt of knowing someone's suicide was on my hands.

I really hope you can find fulfilment in yourself because you are always worth that. You'll find so many other people that love you, other people that you feel connected to in that same way even if it seems impossible to feel that way now.

Thank you for uur words but I won't find anyone else and I won't not die for him, I'm sorry if that makes uu or other people uncomfortable or if it's wrong, it's my decision and I'm gonna go through with it, but thank uu for the worry

There will never be someone like him, genuinely, it is not something I can create or find, he's the only person thing concept that I even live for, there's nothing else left for me in the universe, and that's okay

I was made for him and I love him, I wish he loved me too in this world, at least I know if I die I'll be able to be loved by him

As for the guilt of me dying, I don't know if he will feel guilty, I don't think anyone would care or feel anything if I died, I don't matter enough, I keep this diary as a stupid last hope that someday he'll want to read it and care that I died even though every other part of me thinks I'm not worth that at all

I can't control whether you die or not, but give connection a chance

I've given connection a chance enough, I found him and experienced a good life for the first time in my existence in this world, then I lost him and my best friend over something I couldn't even control or know of, I don't have anything left, with everything I've been through I always knew when he left I'd die, he was the last thing keeping me afloat and I don't have anything else left, I hope that's okay, I'm sorry if it's wrong, I just don't have the strength to continue anymore, I'm sorry

 

[burninghill]

Thank you for uur words but I won't find anyone else and I won't not die for him, I'm sorry if that makes uu or other people uncomfortable or if it's wrong, it's my decision and I'm gonna go through with it, but thank uu for the worry

It's not wrong, I figured that would be your reaction, but it's also one of those cases where you will definitely never find a connection like that's again if you believe that you won't.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like a very healthy connection anyway. So maybe that's a good thing.

People will definitely feel guilty, no matter how much you believe they won't. I don't say that to make YOU feel bad, it is just a fact of the matter. No matter how much you believe people won't care, more people than you know will mourn you.

I'm sorry you've been put in this position. I understand how it feels to not have the energy to try anymore, you don't have to apologise.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

It's not wrong, I figured that would be your reaction, but it's also one of those cases where you will definitely never find a connection like that's again if you believe that you won't.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like a very healthy connection anyway. So maybe that's a good thing.

People will definitely feel guilty, no matter how much you believe they won't. I don't say that to make YOU feel bad, it is just a fact of the matter. No matter how much you believe people won't care, more people than you know will mourn you.

I'm sorry you've been put in this position. I understand how it feels to not have the energy to try anymore, you don't have to apologise.

My original post in this thread specified that I don't want things like these said to me as they do not help me whatsoever, I don't understand why it's so hard to just not tell me it : (

This stuff just makes me feel worse in the long run, I'm grateful for the thought but it does not help me as you don't know my situation well enough to tell me I could find someone else etcetera

 

[burninghill]

My original post in this thread specified that I don't want things like these said to me as they do not help me whatsoever, I don't understand why it's so hard to just not tell me it : (

This stuff just makes me feel worse in the long run, I'm grateful for the thought but it does not help me as you don't know my situation well enough to tell me I could find someone else etcetera

I understand. I apologise. This thread is very long so it's difficult to catch every part.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I understand. I apologise. This thread is very long so it's difficult to catch every part.

Don't worry, but yeah generally I don't care to be told these things as they just hurt me in the long run, the original initial post of the thread should have that added, Id be embaraSSed if I didn't add it haha

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I am tired, so tired, I feel like somehow everyday is just an insult and some kind of "proof" that I can be without him, but it isn't, everyday I wake up to hope to die, I wish I could end it sooner and prove my point sooner, I wish I didn't have to wait to die like this

 

[100memoryleaks]

I am tired, so tired, I feel like somehow everyday is just an insult and some kind of "proof" that I can be without him, but it isn't, everyday I wake up to hope to die, I wish I could end it sooner and prove my point sooner, I wish I didn't have to wait to die like this

i know just how you feel my SN was supposed to arrive today but it still hasn't been delivered yet and I have been watching the door like a hawk ugh... also still have to wait for my metoclopramide to be delivered too. every day that goes by is another day that my sweetheart lives in completely blissful ignorance of the struggle I'm going through. i can't wait to finally schedule that email with my final words to him. the ultimate proof of my true love for him, that he is irreplaceable.

i know just how you feel my SN was supposed to arrive today but it still hasn't been delivered yet and I have been watching the door like a hawk ugh... also still have to wait for my metoclopramide to be delivered too. every day that goes by is another day that my sweetheart lives in completely blissful ignorance of the struggle I'm going through. i can't wait to finally schedule that email with my final words to him. the ultimate proof of my true love for him, that he is irreplaceable.

just as I finished typing this I saw the delivery truck arrive AHAHAJAHA

 

[fluorescentpearl]

the ultimate proof of my true love for him, that he is irreplaceable.

That's also how I feel.. When I die I hope my death will be a proof of my devotion, that I truly could never love someone else, that only he matters and no one else does to me, that I can't live without him, that I really do only love him, that I would do anything for him..
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Another day waking up without him, this night I dreamt of him again, he sat on the edge of my bed and comforted me, spoke about how when I'm gone from this world it'll just be peace and bliss, he petted my leg, and I crawled into his lap, curling up against his stomach as he continued to pet me.. It was nice, it wa comforting, he smelled like himself, he said he loved me, that I wasn't disgusting or horrible, I wish it was true what he said, I really wish in this life too we could've been together and loved each other for longer, I really did want to experience all those things with him
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I miss him so badly, I miss him, I miss him, I just want to die, nothing has meaning anymore without him, I can't enjoy anything anymore, I can't eat I can't live I can't drink I can't breathe, I love him but it isn't enough, it isn't enough I wish it was I wish I could just die already it feels agonizing to wake up everyday without him I miss him I miss my dad, I miss my love, I miss my puppy, I miss him

 

[fluorescentpearl]

.
Today I felt a bit more alive, to celebrate my grandmother's birthday.. Well felt is a stretch, I pretended to be more alive, in truth I feel horribly empty and pointless, nothing I do is fulfilling, nothing I feel matters, I'm only plagued with constant eternal pain and longing, that's the only thing that I can feel recently, his shard tries to help me, when I went back to bed after pretending to celebrate, a Raven was perched on my window, it was watching me, it dropped my ring on the window sill..

I had thrown it out into the field, while crying, and it was returned to me again..

After dropping the ring, the Raven flew away and bathed in the water tub close to my window in the garden, it fell in the water and I ran outside to pull it out, it looked so calm, it didn't hit me or bite me, it just watched me quietly as I pulled it out the water and dried it on my shirt

Im thankful to these small emanations of him keeping me company after everything, I really love him, just as I'm writing this I hear wolves howling.. This is strange, they never leave the forests but I've heard wolves started showing up at villages recently, another piece of him following me in this life..
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If only he himself had not shunned me, I'm not enough for him but I'm enough for parts of him that linger in the cosmos.. I'm enough for some part of him, maybe it doesn't matter if the human him doesn't love me or care about me, maybe it's okay that he hates me and so does all his family, because in spirit he still loves me.. My puppy, I'm so glad I'll get to be with uu soon..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Just found out someone I know was horrible to their love and hurt and cheated and lied.. I don't understand it, that's so horrible, I could never cheat on my love, I could never think to hurt him on purpose, I literally would rather end myself than even consider it! Am I the only person in this world that feels love this way? Am I the only one so eternally devoted that I can't even eat or breathe without him? I've hurt him before and I whip myself over it every day, I starve myself and I let myself rot and waste away over it, I do not deserve forgiveness yet my love forgives me in spirit, and there's people that would purposely do that? That's horrible, this world is horrible, it's doomed and filthy, nothing matters here anymore outside of my love for him..

 

[iwanttodie019]

I did some tarot with his shard today, I got so many cards about loving me unconditionally that makes me so happy, I got a set that al together means soulmates, then I got a card about a male father figure trying to be comforting, hehe, I love uu too I'm so happy I at least have you around still, my ghostly puppy, when I die I'll hold your hand
.

I think he's been trying to reach me in my dreams, last night I dreamt of my death but also a dream I couldn't remember.. Only small pieces, but it felt so loving and real that when I woke up alone I was anxious and terrified..

The small parts I remember are me laying my head on a shoulder, and hands petting my hair and back, occasionally a small kiss being put in my hair on my head, a lot of hushing and comforting.. It smelled just like him, maybe he was trying to comfort me while I slept, cus I went to bed crying about missing him..
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Maybe tmi, but ever since the beginning of this starving I haven't pooped, I only eat milk cola and occasionally a small bite of food that my family makes me eat, the rest I eat and throw up in the bathroom or just avoid eating

Today I had my first bowel movement, it's weird, it's weird that I'm not in significant pain from starving nor am I hungry, I'm just numb and losing weight
If it wasn't for his shard I'd only be living off of cola, but he says I need to have milk as well.. To minimize the internal damage to my stomach, so I can ctb without any medical complications beforehand.. So I have one glass of cola and one glass of milk a day, plus my medications, I feel pretty when I look in the mirror

Which country are you from if you do not mind me asking?

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Which country are you from if you do not mind me asking?

Estonia, why?

 

[iwanttodie019]

Estonia, why?

why are yousuicidal?

 

[fluorescentpearl]

why are yousuicidal?

You can read this diary and it'll be pretty obvious haha
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Soon I can die, soon.. I can feel him trying to comfort me of it..
I did tarot again, to get some general cards, not with any questions specifically.. I just got cards about comfort and love again, that makes me feel a bit calmer I suppose, the knowledge that when I'm gone I'll be loved by him.. I'm just not good enough in this world, no.. He says I am, he says it's not my fault and it's someone else's fault for it, but I'm happy that I'll be enough at least in death.. I really love him, I really do.. It's not true that I love an idea of him, I love him as he is, I adore him, everything about him, I wish I wasn't ill in this world, I wish I wasn't raped and let it drive me insane, I wish I was good enough still, I really wish for so many things but who am I kidding.. Why would I wish for anything, I hardly deserve anything, I don't deserve anything.. But I'm selfish, I'm going to give myself one last gift and kill myself so I can be loved in the afterlife..
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He whispers to me in my dreams, his hands around my neck, his lips on my forehead, he knows what I have to do, he cries about having to see me in pain, and yet he knows it's necessary.. He knows I know it's the only thing for me to do at this point, he will love me for eternity, he can't stand to see me alone and hurting.. He just wants to save me from having to live this way, he wants me to fall to his arms and be okay again, he wants me.. He wants me, that makes me cry, he wants me and he loves me.. He tells me he's waiting for the day I can do it, he doesn't apologize but I can see it in his eyes in all these dreams, that look in his eyes, like he's hurting more than I am, he watches me and suffers from my agony.. He wishes he could be the one to kill me, he wishes he could be the one to save me from this life, he wishes he could be the one to hold my hand when I do it, but he can't.. Sometimes he's flickery, says he returns to the original body sometimes, that he has been around me since I was little unable to do anything.. Just watching me, silently, I miss him.. I love him so much, it is so overwhelming how much love he has for me, after so many days of agony it's so nice to feel loved, it's so nice I can't stop crying, I just want to be in his arms again, I just want to do it and be with him again, I don't care what this life was or anything I just love him, I love him so badly I can't breathe when I think of expressing it, I love him so badly, I adore him, I adore him, I feel so worthless my puppy, I'll be with you soon, I love you, I love you..

 

[Tyra]

You can read this diary and it'll be pretty obvious haha
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Soon I can die, soon.. I can feel him trying to comfort me of it..
I did tarot again, to get some general cards, not with any questions specifically.. I just got cards about comfort and love again, that makes me feel a bit calmer I suppose, the knowledge that when I'm gone I'll be loved by him.. I'm just not good enough in this world, no.. He says I am, he says it's not my fault and it's someone else's fault for it, but I'm happy that I'll be enough at least in death.. I really love him, I really do.. It's not true that I love an idea of him, I love him as he is, I adore him, everything about him, I wish I wasn't ill in this world, I wish I wasn't raped and let it drive me insane, I wish I was good enough still, I really wish for so many things but who am I kidding.. Why would I wish for anything, I hardly deserve anything, I don't deserve anything.. But I'm selfish, I'm going to give myself one last gift and kill myself so I can be loved in the afterlife..
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He whispers to me in my dreams, his hands around my neck, his lips on my forehead, he knows what I have to do, he cries about having to see me in pain, and yet he knows it's necessary.. He knows I know it's the only thing for me to do at this point, he will love me for eternity, he can't stand to see me alone and hurting.. He just wants to save me from having to live this way, he wants me to fall to his arms and be okay again, he wants me.. He wants me, that makes me cry, he wants me and he loves me.. He tells me he's waiting for the day I can do it, he doesn't apologize but I can see it in his eyes in all these dreams, that look in his eyes, like he's hurting more than I am, he watches me and suffers from my agony.. He wishes he could be the one to kill me, he wishes he could be the one to save me from this life, he wishes he could be the one to hold my hand when I do it, but he can't.. Sometimes he's flickery, says he returns to the original body sometimes, that he has been around me since I was little unable to do anything.. Just watching me, silently, I miss him.. I love him so much, it is so overwhelming how much love he has for me, after so many days of agony it's so nice to feel loved, it's so nice I can't stop crying, I just want to be in his arms again, I just want to do it and be with him again, I don't care what this life was or anything I just love him, I love him so badly I can't breathe when I think of expressing it, I love him so badly, I adore him, I adore him, I feel so worthless my puppy, I'll be with you soon, I love you, I love you..

Why'd he leave you tho?

 

[moriix]

Soon I can die, soon.. I can feel him trying to comfort me of it..
I did tarot again, to get some general cards, not with any questions specifically.. I just got cards about comfort and love again, that makes me feel a bit calmer I suppose, the knowledge that when I'm gone I'll be loved by him.. I'm just not good enough in this world, no.. He says I am, he says it's not my fault and it's someone else's fault for it, but I'm happy that I'll be enough at least in death.. I really love him, I really do.. It's not true that I love an idea of him, I love him as he is, I adore him, everything about him, I wish I wasn't ill in this world, I wish I wasn't raped and let it drive me insane, I wish I was good enough still, I really wish for so many things but who am I kidding.. Why would I wish for anything, I hardly deserve anything, I don't deserve anything.. But I'm selfish, I'm going to give myself one last gift and kill myself so I can be loved in the afterlife..
.
He whispers to me in my dreams, his hands around my neck, his lips on my forehead, he knows what I have to do, he cries about having to see me in pain, and yet he knows it's necessary.. He knows I know it's the only thing for me to do at this point, he will love me for eternity, he can't stand to see me alone and hurting.. He just wants to save me from having to live this way, he wants me to fall to his arms and be okay again, he wants me.. He wants me, that makes me cry, he wants me and he loves me.. He tells me he's waiting for the day I can do it, he doesn't apologize but I can see it in his eyes in all these dreams, that look in his eyes, like he's hurting more than I am, he watches me and suffers from my agony.. He wishes he could be the one to kill me, he wishes he could be the one to save me from this life, he wishes he could be the one to hold my hand when I do it, but he can't.. Sometimes he's flickery, says he returns to the original body sometimes, that he has been around me since I was little unable to do anything.. Just watching me, silently, I miss him.. I love him so much, it is so overwhelming how much love he has for me, after so many days of agony it's so nice to feel loved, it's so nice I can't stop crying, I just want to be in his arms again, I just want to do it and be with him again, I don't care what this life was or anything I just love him, I love him so badly I can't breathe when I think of expressing it, I love him so badly, I adore him, I adore him, I feel so worthless my puppy, I'll be with you soon, I love you, I love you..

the way you write is so beautiful and full of love, I hope you'll be happy with your loved one in the afterlife