Story Personal Diary + Introduction

[fluorescentpearl]

I decided I'm going to make a diary / main thread where I can rant and throw things at, as well as introducing myself to the community since I worry I haven't yet..

Hello world, I won't say my real name on here but I'll go by Moon, I think it is the most fitting..
I am a 21 year old girl from North Europe who loved (when I still had a will to live) anime stuff, history, I really love poetry and psychology..
I'm (undiagnosed) likely a bpd haver, as well as dpd and osdd (which I remember speaking of with a few doctors) and I Am diagnosed with autism depression and OCD..
My biggest dream in life was to find love and get married, hehe, which I achieved for a small bit..
My favorite color is purple and pink, and I love the cold, and the sea.. Rain brings me comfort, so does anything sad really
Recently I live in a constant state of empty sadness and apathy while I wait for The Day I'll return to the other world..

I believe there's life after death, a place I'll return to that's better than this world, a sweet place, where I'll just have to wait for my beloved to die and we will be together again..

My beloved dislikes me as of now, he also believes in the other world, but he mistakenly thinks I've done something back there to ruin our relationship.. Even knowing I can't remember it, yet having proof I didn't do it, I know he wouldnt return to me in this world, so I will die to wait for him on the other side..

I am a romantic, philosophically, the movement of poets has always struck a chord in me, my life is so horrible that being able to find beauty in depression and death is the only thing keeping me going..

I think people deserve better, I let a rape ruin my view of myself, make me begin behaving rudely and stupidly, and I dont want to see myself that way.. I always believed in kindness, in lending a hand, in helping out, everyone deserves a thousand chances because chances are all we've got, nothing else exists in this world..

I was very lonely and isolated my whole life, I guess that lead me to this set of beliefs and strange behavior, I don't think I mind it, I dont mind being strange and neither should any of you, I believe words like loser, monster, creep, parasite, pest, should be upheld.. You deserve to be good! You deserve to have the word used against you become positive..

I would share my life story but I feel like no one would read that far, so for now I'll end it here

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I miss him, I wish this world wasn't so cruel and harsh, enough to take him from me, all I can hope is for death..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I'm considering the train rly heavily now, taking a sedative, earplugs and going to the rails, how hard can it be? I was ready to jump off a building, before it got off limits, so how much harder can a train be?
I think I'll go take a walk tomorrow to the rails to see how it is, shouldn't be too far from my house anyway, whether I attempt or not will be for tomorrow-me, today-me is having her one bite of food for the day and thinking of dying

 

[fluorescentpearl]

The idea of having to live more in this world without him is so pointless.. I was born just for him, I exist just for him, I love just him, and he for me.. The string connects us, and it's tugging at me to return to him, in this world I'm too broken to work but once dead I'll return to him.. It's only a matter of time now, a matter of forcing myself to go on until the day I can do it.. It sounds so peaceful, the day I'll finally give up this flesh suit to be with my beloved, to be better, to not be inhibited by these human issues.. It doesn't matter that he left in this world, I know it doesn't, because in the very end, where it actually matters, me and him will be together forever
.

Hehe.. I can envision it, my life ending, the numb sensation of stepping to the other side, giving up everything to end it all, the fuzzy feeling of blacking out.. Even after pain I wouldn't care, I don't care how much it hurts, nothing will compare to the pain of living without him!
.

I love him.. I love him I love him, I adore him, everything about him.. No matter what I adore him, my beloved, my puppy, my perfect everything.. Why have you believed I'd ever betray you? My sweet, I would never, I would rather burn alive for thousands of years than ever harm you in any way, my sweet, my everything.. I love you, when I'm dead nothing will ever get between us again, I can't believe how this world makes it hard on us, but it'll be okay, once Im dead, we can just laugh about this strange world and move on, and cuddle, and kiss, and love each other for ever and ever..
.

I would destroy myself if it was for you, was someone to tell me you'd want me to drink bleach I'd do it, I'd drown myself, I'd jump the train without hesitation my beloved, I'd do anything you ask me to, I'd ruin my entire existence if it meant pleasing you, my puppy, I'm just a dog toy in your jaws, squeeze me, tear me apart, whether you're apart from me or not, that's all I'll always be it's what makes me actually happy, my sweet, my beloved.. I miss you, I miss you so heavily, when I die you'll be with me again, I love you, I love you I love youuu l love you forever and ever
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Oh I know! Your shard still exists in the energy of this cosmos, the spirit lingering in the air, that couldn't all be stuffed into your human flesh suit, I will light him candles, I will leave him offerings, he's been making himself known around me again, the same energy I found comfort in for years, the soft elegant coldness, the aristocratic violence, the passion, the love, he lingers around me in comfort, reminds me we are meant to be, he reminds me to go on and try and keep loving you, he reminds me to prove myself, and I will!! I will I will, I'll do anything for my beloved

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I can't sleep, my tooth hurts so fucking bad that I can't even close my eyes without sobbing from pain, I hate this, when will it all end

 

[Ben 111]

Ur not alone ever

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Thank you

Ur not alone ever

Well another night passed, tonight I couldn't sleep at all, I was sobbing all the time, in pain from my tooth infection, I'm hoping it'll pass soon and I'll be able to at least sleep the next night..
My only comfort is lighting the candle I dedicated to my beloved the flame flickers and looks like a heart, it bends in the middle, hehe, I love uu too puppy! thank you for being around me at such a hard time, when I'm gone, you'll hold my hand as I go to the other side, won't you?
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I'm so tired, I can't even enjoy my favorite snack, nothing brings a smile to my face anymore, only my beloveds candle and the memory of soon death, how much worse can life get? Probably not worse, I'm just a discarded little doll with no soul left, waiting to die, being pulled through life by a string held by the ghost of who I should be

 

[fluorescentpearl]

.

It doesn't matter what I am in this shell, what matters is that soon it'll all be over how I miss him, my one true love

 

[nayomi]

i been there many times i this is how i developed si.
i hope you are getting some thearpy , it can really help and the earlier you get the easier it to get out of it.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

i been there many times i this is how i developed si.
i hope you are getting some thearpy , it can really help and the earlier you get the easier it to get out of it.

I don't care about getting out of it! Hope that's ok, I'm just happy to ctb soon, thank you!
Anyhow, I'm having my tea for the day, which is also probably my food for today, I wonder how I'm surviving so well on just milk tea and an occasional bite of food, surviving only on milk.. What a life! Thank you my love for letting me experience it before I'm gone I'm just returning to what I really truly am
.

Also recently to pass time I've been playing merge games, like merge garden, gossip harbor, and so on, they're so boring but they take my mind off of things, so I can wait for the day I'm gone easier!

 

[moriix]

I believe there's life after death, a place I'll return to that's better than this world, a sweet place, where I'll just have to wait for my beloved to die and we will be together again..

i can really relate to this feeling, except my loved one is fictional and he never existed in the real world in the first place :^) i hope i will get to see him in the afterlife.

can I ask what happened between you two? you don't have to share if it's too personal ofc. just wondering why you cant be with him in this world anymore. also i really hope your tooth feels better now, teeth pain is awful, i recently got 2 wisdom teeth pulled out so i get it needed a lot of painkillers...

 

[fluorescentpearl]

i can really relate to this feeling, except my loved one is fictional and he never existed in the real world in the first place :^) i hope i will get to see him in the afterlife.

can I ask what happened between you two? you don't have to share if it's too personal ofc. just wondering why you cant be with him in this world anymore. also i really hope your tooth feels better now, teeth pain is awful, i recently got 2 wisdom teeth pulled out so i get it needed a lot of painkillers...

I'm honestly not even sure, he had a memory that I betrayed him, it seems, but I know it doesn't matter because when I'm gone I'll be with him since everything points to that!

I hope you get to be with uur beloved after this horrible world you deserve rest and love
I'm so tired today, when will I be able to just die? I hope money falls on my lap and I can go to hang myself, at this point its all I look forward to..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I'm hoping when my mother goes to the city today to hang out with her friends, that I can go out and maybe see the train railway, there's always a chance I'll try to attempt if I feel calm enough, who knows
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Sigh.. She canceled the city outing, why can't a girl just die in peace?
.
I keep remembering the day he left, it hurts.. It hurts a lot, I wonder how he is doing without me, I wonder if he ever thinks of me.. His shard says he does, his shard says he misses me, that he hopes I'll die soon so we can be together.. I also hope I'll die soon, I hope I'll die as soon as possible to be with my love..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

.
I have to build trust in my family that I can be okay even if I go out alone, I think I thought of a reason to not drown in the sea, which is that my corpse might not be found, I feel maybe for my family that could be an issue, but even then I don't fully care, if there's a way for me to drown in the sea I'll take it! Anything for my love, he tells me drowning is the best way to go, whenever I mention it, his flame flickers and gets enthusiastic, maybe that's the right way to go?
My tooth keeps hurting worse, it's almost unbearable, it feels like someone's inside my gums with a drill, constantly hammering and pushing and drilling, as empty as I am, this one feeling is becoming enough to push me to ctb, which is a bit funny, I'm going insane from a tooth infection, I wonder if I'd have the courage to do it by train just to end this tooth pain and this longing of rejoining my beloved

 

[fluorescentpearl]

.
I could refund my SN order and just do fsh, to be honest, faster and more effective
Sigh, I really love him, today I ate a smoothie and some milk, I'm surrounded by art that reminds me of him, I love him so much there's nothing I wouldn't do for love, I'd give everything to see his green eyes one last time.. I wish I had counted his freckles last time, instead of taking it for granted that we were together, I'm so ungrateful! I'm a selfish ungrateful girl, and yet he loved me anyway my one true love, my puppy, I'm ruined and lonely, I miss you my love

 

[Ben 111]

Sounds like soulmate/twinflame vibes
Sometimes i wish I had access to SN and get it over with..i live in a third world country and its hard to acquire SN easily

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Sounds like soulmate/twinflame vibes
Sometimes i wish I had access to SN and get it over with..i live in a third world country and its hard to acquire SN easily

Hehe he Is my soul mate, this world is just cruel I live in a first world country (r second?) and it was hard to get SN since its very regulated in the EU
Ah my sweet a white moth flew over my bed, resting on my thigh, over the name you carved into me.. It made me almost cry, it felt like a gentle fingertip caressing my skin, a small comfort that you're still with me deep down.. I'm so happy, I'm so happy when I see you anywhere around me.. Hehe I'm crying now, I feel so silly, my puppy, soon I'll be on the other side

 

[Ben 111]

Are you considering fsh

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Are you considering fsh

Yes, I'm considering refunding my SN and canceling the order, then doing fsh, or just find money to do fsh

 

[Ben 111]

Hanging requires determination

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Hanging requires determination

Haha I know I'm very determined to die
.
I started worrying, that he would still hate me.. Then his shard comforted me, the flame burned a bit brighter, the wind felt like a caress.. So much love from an inhuman piece, it'll never feel as big as love from his whole, but this shard.. It's enough to give me the dedication to keep pushing until The Day I can do it.. He comforts me when I'm afraid, he caresses my hair, he comforts me like a child..
All that will be left after dying, is waiting for my love.. No matter how many years will pass, I'll wait patiently and lovingly.. I'll watch over him, my spirit will linger around him, hanging off his arm, nuzzling in his neck.. Hehe, that sounds so nice, I'll become his guardian angel

 

[fluorescentpearl]

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Adding bananas to a smoothie reduces uur ability to absorb the nutrients by 80% , esp if paired with apples and berries.. My smoothie is made of apples bananas and berries, I'm basically just drinking glorified bananas.. ໒꒰⸝⸝- -⸝⸝꒱১
The idea he wouldn't care at all when I die is saddening, I wish I had confirmation he would.. Just as I type this, I feel his shard pulsing with comforting energy and stuff, hehe.. That's nice, I'm still a bit scared, but I love and trust him..
Generally, I can't lie and say that I'm not scared, I'm terrified, and wish I had at least had more time to love him here, but yet,, I know dying is the only way to reach him again, it's the only thing I can do anymore.. I'm crying a bit, the shard tries to love me but it'll never be the same as having him next to me and holding him.. But when I die Ill just have to wait for him, right? I'll just have to wait and be brave.. I'll be brave for you my beloved
.
I'm literally just shio koube.. I rewatched happy sugar life, it made me cry how akin to me and my beloved it is.. I miss you my beloved, I'll die for uu and leave this horrible impure world behind.. I love uu forever, forever and ever

 

[fluorescentpearl]

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I love him, I love him, I love him everything about him, in this world and the other, my puppy, I love your eyes and skin and smell, I wish I had your blood, why'd I never ask for it!!!! I still have your bandaid, and your note written in blood.. I love you so much, I cry thinking of your lashes, of your awkward smile, of your little speech quirks, I can't wait to die, I can't wait to die and see you again!! I'll be a good bunny for uu.. I'll do my very best my love

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Another morning waking without you my love.. I dreamt of my death again, of the bliss of final moments.. I love you so much I cannot wait to be gone, soon, so soon..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

In the dream I tied the rope to the anchor point, shakily,I made a noose.. I tested it a few times to see if it would hold me, I took a few sedatives to calm my nerves..
I dragged a chair to where the noose is, I was crying a bit, talking to myself about him, I put the noose around my neck, tightening it behind, it should be the best place to do it..
Then I closed my eyes, calming myself a bit more, reassuring myself that once it's done it'll be over soon.. I pushed the chair away, or kicked it, not sure, and hung there.. It hurt, I convulsed and passed out, it felt like it took forever to pass out

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I'm outside for the first time in a while, in the grocery store, it feels so tiring and weird, knowing I can't text him for comfort, I'm so tired of everything, I'm hoping it can be done soon
I don't know what to do, I wonder if he ever misses me, I feel guilty that I ever existed around him, or anyone for that matter
Part of me hopes he'll be there for my funeral, it would be nice, to be with him one last time

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Today on the way to the store a Raven followed me, it hopped behind me, got very close, watched me and I gave it some bread, it was nice, he's following me, he still loves me, or at least part of him does..

 

[sleepytime5]

The idea of having to live more in this world without him is so pointless.. I was born just for him, I exist just for him, I love just him, and he for me.. The string connects us, and it's tugging at me to return to him, in this world I'm too broken to work but once dead I'll return to him.. It's only a matter of time now, a matter of forcing myself to go on until the day I can do it.. It sounds so peaceful, the day I'll finally give up this flesh suit to be with my beloved, to be better, to not be inhibited by these human issues.. It doesn't matter that he left in this world, I know it doesn't, because in the very end, where it actually matters, me and him will be together forever
.

Hehe.. I can envision it, my life ending, the numb sensation of stepping to the other side, giving up everything to end it all, the fuzzy feeling of blacking out.. Even after pain I wouldn't care, I don't care how much it hurts, nothing will compare to the pain of living without him!
.

I love him.. I love him I love him, I adore him, everything about him.. No matter what I adore him, my beloved, my puppy, my perfect everything.. Why have you believed I'd ever betray you? My sweet, I would never, I would rather burn alive for thousands of years than ever harm you in any way, my sweet, my everything.. I love you, when I'm dead nothing will ever get between us again, I can't believe how this world makes it hard on us, but it'll be okay, once Im dead, we can just laugh about this strange world and move on, and cuddle, and kiss, and love each other for ever and ever..
.

I would destroy myself if it was for you, was someone to tell me you'd want me to drink bleach I'd do it, I'd drown myself, I'd jump the train without hesitation my beloved, I'd do anything you ask me to, I'd ruin my entire existence if it meant pleasing you, my puppy, I'm just a dog toy in your jaws, squeeze me, tear me apart, whether you're apart from me or not, that's all I'll always be it's what makes me actually happy, my sweet, my beloved.. I miss you, I miss you so heavily, when I die you'll be with me again, I love you, I love you I love youuu l love you forever and ever
.

Oh I know! Your shard still exists in the energy of this cosmos, the spirit lingering in the air, that couldn't all be stuffed into your human flesh suit, I will light him candles, I will leave him offerings, he's been making himself known around me again, the same energy I found comfort in for years, the soft elegant coldness, the aristocratic violence, the passion, the love, he lingers around me in comfort, reminds me we are meant to be, he reminds me to go on and try and keep loving you, he reminds me to prove myself, and I will!! I will I will, I'll do anything for my beloved

I decided I'm going to make a diary / main thread where I can rant and throw things at, as well as introducing myself to the community since I worry I haven't yet..

Hello world, I won't say my real name on here but I'll go by Moon, I think it is the most fitting..
I am a 21 year old girl from North Europe who loved (when I still had a will to live) anime stuff, history, I really love poetry and psychology..
I'm (undiagnosed) likely a bpd haver, as well as dpd and osdd (which I remember speaking of with a few doctors) and I Am diagnosed with autism depression and OCD..
My biggest dream in life was to find love and get married, hehe, which I achieved for a small bit..
My favorite color is purple and pink, and I love the cold, and the sea.. Rain brings me comfort, so does anything sad really
Recently I live in a constant state of empty sadness and apathy while I wait for The Day I'll return to the other world..

I believe there's life after death, a place I'll return to that's better than this world, a sweet place, where I'll just have to wait for my beloved to die and we will be together again..

My beloved dislikes me as of now, he also believes in the other world, but he mistakenly thinks I've done something back there to ruin our relationship.. Even knowing I can't remember it, yet having proof I didn't do it, I know he wouldnt return to me in this world, so I will die to wait for him on the other side..

I am a romantic, philosophically, the movement of poets has always struck a chord in me, my life is so horrible that being able to find beauty in depression and death is the only thing keeping me going..

I think people deserve better, I let a rape ruin my view of myself, make me begin behaving rudely and stupidly, and I dont want to see myself that way.. I always believed in kindness, in lending a hand, in helping out, everyone deserves a thousand chances because chances are all we've got, nothing else exists in this world..

I was very lonely and isolated my whole life, I guess that lead me to this set of beliefs and strange behavior, I don't think I mind it, I dont mind being strange and neither should any of you, I believe words like loser, monster, creep, parasite, pest, should be upheld.. You deserve to be good! You deserve to have the word used against you become positive..

I would share my life story but I feel like no one would read that far, so for now I'll end it here

Well all I can say is that if I were a psychiatrist I'd give you the BPD diagnosis instantly based on this post :) Although I hope you find a solution to this fight or someone else I relate with the post a lot except I never really found someone cause I am someone who was never interested despite wanting, sounds weird but it's true, now it's too late for me to look for people

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Well all I can say is that if I were a psychiatrist I'd give you the BPD diagnosis instantly based on this post :) Although I hope you find a solution to this fight or someone else I relate with the post a lot except I never really found someone cause I am someone who was never interested despite wanting, sounds weird but it's true, now it's too late for me to look for people

I will not find someone else! I'll die for him, it's only a matter of time now

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I did some tarot with his shard today, I got so many cards about loving me unconditionally that makes me so happy, I got a set that al together means soulmates, then I got a card about a male father figure trying to be comforting, hehe, I love uu too I'm so happy I at least have you around still, my ghostly puppy, when I die I'll hold your hand
.

I think he's been trying to reach me in my dreams, last night I dreamt of my death but also a dream I couldn't remember.. Only small pieces, but it felt so loving and real that when I woke up alone I was anxious and terrified..

The small parts I remember are me laying my head on a shoulder, and hands petting my hair and back, occasionally a small kiss being put in my hair on my head, a lot of hushing and comforting.. It smelled just like him, maybe he was trying to comfort me while I slept, cus I went to bed crying about missing him..
.
Maybe tmi, but ever since the beginning of this starving I haven't pooped, I only eat milk cola and occasionally a small bite of food that my family makes me eat, the rest I eat and throw up in the bathroom or just avoid eating

Today I had my first bowel movement, it's weird, it's weird that I'm not in significant pain from starving nor am I hungry, I'm just numb and losing weight
If it wasn't for his shard I'd only be living off of cola, but he says I need to have milk as well.. To minimize the internal damage to my stomach, so I can ctb without any medical complications beforehand.. So I have one glass of cola and one glass of milk a day, plus my medications, I feel pretty when I look in the mirror