Perfect timing, imperfect self

[CommitSudoku]

I just need to get this out.

It is both the best and worst timing for me to off myself today. It's an awful time for my family already so my demise would just add a bit more to it. Maybe that's awful, but I am awful, and I think it would be better than doing something when everyone has healed just to rip open wounds. Today would be perfect to go. I didn't fully go through my feelings yesterday but I felt at peace for a while and that there was nothing I would regret too much aside from the normal //this will hurt my family// and there's no way around that. And yet again it was perfect timing since I realized no one would notice for quite a number of hours. I'm wasting time when I could still try something now, I'm not even doing any work so it's honestly pointless to keep up the charade.

My SN hasn't arrived so I tested out partial and as usual, it hurts too much and is too easy to go back on. That was last night. This morning before work I tried full and quite honestly it went better than I expected. If I bound my hands I think it would work. It's just painful and terrifying. Even without bounding my hands it wasn't the easiest to get out of and I'm completely off the ground and could easily make it further inescapable. It's still the perfect day to go honestly. Only two people have talked to me, and my parents have enough on their plate that I don't see them reaching out much if at all. They'd only be nervous if I didn't write saying I made it home from my second job and that's not until after midnight, so plenty of time.

I hate how such a perfect day it is and I haven't hung myself. And I could but yet it remains terrifying and painful. I want to try again today. Maybe I'm seeking words of encouragement, I don't know. Things will only get more complicated and worse if I live longer.

Any responses, or any advice related to hanging or anxiety/fear from it would be appreciated. I'm so very tempted to try again and bind my hands. Aside from fear and inability, there really isn't much holding me back. It's such perfect timing and I'm letting it slip through my fingers and I hate it.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me hanging sounds like such an awful way to leave this world, it scares me personally and I have the fear of failure. I think that I will need to be really desperate to finally go through with it. I am sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

To me hanging sounds like such an awful way to leave this world, it scares me personally and I have the fear of failure. I think that I will need to be really desperate to finally go through with it. I am sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

The steps before going unconscious certainly are, which is where I'm at. Kind of in a mental block. I'm used to pain, but it's still different from the pain of just self harm. Failing today will just lead down a darker hole. Overcoming all that and I'm highly certain of success, maybe I shouldn't be. Thank you for responding, I wish you the best as well.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I don't have any experience with hanging (or SN) so can't advise on that. But I relate to the 'it's the perfect time to go' mentality.

Although I wouldn't want you to go because I'm selfish and I like talking with you - ultimately I respect that it's your choice. It's not an easy choice, either. Feeling rushed is also no bueno - you'd probably not want your last moments to be of fear that you'll run out of time, or at least I wouldn't and I'm projecting.

If you decide to go today, I'll miss you, and I'll be thinking of you and wish you peace. And if not - there will be other days. I guarantee there will be many other days that present this opportunity. Hell, I've lost track of mine. As for deciding - make a list of pros and cons of going today versus putting it off a bit. No one can tell you what to do or make this decision for you.

Do you have a tracking or shipping status for when your SN ought to arrive? Personally I would take it and then hang, to increase chances of success and possibly also distract myself from the pain of hanging with the nausea. Okay, that's a bad strategy, ignore me.

Sorry, I'm rambling at this point. I wish I could hug you. You deserve so much more than this shitty life has thrown your way.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Mostly posting this to get it out, or for myself, or for the off chance someone feels like responding haha

Was able to find a bit of motivation to work thanks to others. That doesn't mean I accomplished anything of course. I probably won't try anything else today 'cause I'm awful like that, yet another opportunity passing. Maybe it's fine, maybe it really isn't.

I will eat before going out but it's kinda funny I feel jittery and my eyes can't focus, it's only been since Saturday night without food and water lol I honestly don't mind if I have to leave my second job early, would give me an excuse to feel worse about myself and can always use more of that.

Certain things today reminded me at times I feel like there is something worthwhile, and in that time it is worthwhile, it just cannot last forever for one reason or another. Which really sucks.

For anyone who cares, with any luck I'll get SN by mid-April. I don't set dates anymore, but if nothing happens before then, then perhaps that will finally be my effective out. If not, I think it's good insurance at least. But there's also a great chance I'll try something before then, so it's hard to say. Today was productive in two ways. One for more insight in hanging, the other for the company.

To any one who does read this, thank you and take care, best wishes. And a good quote on my mind~

"This is a very strange feeling... I don't feel that scared at all. I can see everything clearly. I feel like, no matter how this all plays out, I can accept whatever happens. That's right, nobody's in the wrong. There's nothing we could do. Because this world... is just... that cruel."