annxietty
anxious
- Mar 27, 2023
- 117
Im a person that when something bugs me I shut up, you do something that I dont like? I wont say anything... Because Im nobody, I have nothing, I have no house of my own, I have no money, no friends, no achievements, nothing... all my life is about people giving me things, a place to live, food ...etc, I have no pride nor I have the right to have it, everytime I act prideful people around me shut me off, they ask me "who do you think you are?" and I shut up and think "yes, no one..." and feel embarrassed because how do I dare to speak like that when im nothing?
Right now Im looking for a job, while Im searching my sister lets me stay at her house, my dad sends me money... again, I owe everything to everyone, maybe thats why Im sick of everyone because I fucking hate myself... my dream is to go far away from everyone (or die lol) but Im afraid because who am I? No one, nothing, trash, I know nothing, I deserve nothing...things wont work out....
Im tired of this as you can tell, because I chose to give life another try and I live in this ugly body, with this horrible mind, in this frustrating situation (poor me huh? ridiculous, many people have it way worse than me, but here I am...) Yesterday I chose again to stay at home, my sister, her husband and their son (my nephew) wanted to go to the cinema and have dinner outside, I stayed because I have no money and Im tired of people paying for my things, they again had a lot of fun... today I went to grab a yogurt, of course I didnt pay for it (outside the money my dad sends me to give to my sister ofc), many times I eat alone without people watching, almost like Im stealing... maybe I am lol, I didnt pay for it... but today I went to the living room where everyone was, felt like I wanted company... These yogurts come in many flavours and Ive stated before that I prefer the strawberry and raspberry flavour ones, there are only two of each flavour, last time they bought these yogurts I only ate the peach flavoured ones, they gave me these to eat I couldnt choose, this time I ate a raspberry one two days ago and today I grabbed a strawberry one, came to the living room and asked my sister's husband how his father was doing (he is waiting for a check up because he had cancer) he told me that they didnt have news still, I told him it was normal because it was still too soon, and then he said "Im sorry for saying this but you know we also want to eat the red yogurts right?" my heart stopped... I was caught, thats how I felt, I told a bad lie I said it was the first one I saw, he said i was lying because he put the red ones (strawberry, raspberry) hidden behind the other ones (my sister was watching this conversation, my nephew too, both silent), I tried to tell him that last time I couldnt eat any, he said this was the second yogurt I ate that was red, that he had to tell me so I let other people eat... I... I want to cry... I stayed silent... Finished my yogurt, it tasted like shit, wished a good night to everyone and Im here now... Probably going to cut myself... This is so silly, and so long for such a ridiculous story... but Its never enough, my life is embarrassing, how can I want people to treat me right if Im less than garbage? Im no one... I should die... Because If I was someone else I would stopped eating the yogurt and shoved it in his mouth with all my strengh... it would be so unfair tho, Im in their house... they saved me from hell, but they dont know I brought hell inside me to suffer until my last breath.
Whoever reads this thank you, this is stupid Im sure you have more important posts to read, here people have amazing stories, horrible ones... you people are strong, I havent suffered even a 1% of what you have suffered and Im like this, cant throw away my blade, my huge amount of meds I plan to use someday to kill myself, my huge amount of suicide notes... you are really strong, those who are still here and those who left, I admire you all... you are people, not like me, you really are...
Right now Im looking for a job, while Im searching my sister lets me stay at her house, my dad sends me money... again, I owe everything to everyone, maybe thats why Im sick of everyone because I fucking hate myself... my dream is to go far away from everyone (or die lol) but Im afraid because who am I? No one, nothing, trash, I know nothing, I deserve nothing...things wont work out....
Im tired of this as you can tell, because I chose to give life another try and I live in this ugly body, with this horrible mind, in this frustrating situation (poor me huh? ridiculous, many people have it way worse than me, but here I am...) Yesterday I chose again to stay at home, my sister, her husband and their son (my nephew) wanted to go to the cinema and have dinner outside, I stayed because I have no money and Im tired of people paying for my things, they again had a lot of fun... today I went to grab a yogurt, of course I didnt pay for it (outside the money my dad sends me to give to my sister ofc), many times I eat alone without people watching, almost like Im stealing... maybe I am lol, I didnt pay for it... but today I went to the living room where everyone was, felt like I wanted company... These yogurts come in many flavours and Ive stated before that I prefer the strawberry and raspberry flavour ones, there are only two of each flavour, last time they bought these yogurts I only ate the peach flavoured ones, they gave me these to eat I couldnt choose, this time I ate a raspberry one two days ago and today I grabbed a strawberry one, came to the living room and asked my sister's husband how his father was doing (he is waiting for a check up because he had cancer) he told me that they didnt have news still, I told him it was normal because it was still too soon, and then he said "Im sorry for saying this but you know we also want to eat the red yogurts right?" my heart stopped... I was caught, thats how I felt, I told a bad lie I said it was the first one I saw, he said i was lying because he put the red ones (strawberry, raspberry) hidden behind the other ones (my sister was watching this conversation, my nephew too, both silent), I tried to tell him that last time I couldnt eat any, he said this was the second yogurt I ate that was red, that he had to tell me so I let other people eat... I... I want to cry... I stayed silent... Finished my yogurt, it tasted like shit, wished a good night to everyone and Im here now... Probably going to cut myself... This is so silly, and so long for such a ridiculous story... but Its never enough, my life is embarrassing, how can I want people to treat me right if Im less than garbage? Im no one... I should die... Because If I was someone else I would stopped eating the yogurt and shoved it in his mouth with all my strengh... it would be so unfair tho, Im in their house... they saved me from hell, but they dont know I brought hell inside me to suffer until my last breath.
Whoever reads this thank you, this is stupid Im sure you have more important posts to read, here people have amazing stories, horrible ones... you people are strong, I havent suffered even a 1% of what you have suffered and Im like this, cant throw away my blade, my huge amount of meds I plan to use someday to kill myself, my huge amount of suicide notes... you are really strong, those who are still here and those who left, I admire you all... you are people, not like me, you really are...
