Discussion People with BPD, assemble. General thread.

[kohaku]

I'll preface this with the statement that I would highly prefer this to be a thread for people with BPD. Not for people who suffered abuse from the likes of us (unless you got BPD from it), who villainize us, or who want advice on a family member with BPD. No one understands us better than ourselves.

So we all know it hurts. I know there are a few other people with BPD here and I felt the need to make a thread for us to congregate and share our experiences, struggles, reasons and symptoms.

I will add some resources/posts (ranging from depressing to helpful) to this post when I'm not on my phone. Feel free to share some stuff that really made you think as well.

There's questions I have that I'd like for my fellow suicide-oriented borderlines to answer. I'll share my story too later, but as I said, this idea struck me in the middle of the night so I'm on mobile as I write this.

1. Is BPD the reason behind your choice to ctb? If so, why?

2. How has it affected your relationships? Worst moments, people you miss, people you'd want to forgive you?

2a. What would you say if you could apologize or try to make them understand?

3. Are you diagnosed, self-diagnosed or have been refused diagnosis?

4. What do you feel are your worst symptoms?

5. How do you cope with it until you ctb?

6. What happened to make you realize you have BPD? What was the breaking point?

6a. What do you think made you this way?

7. If you're comfortable with sharing, what are your triggers? (e.g. what brings your symptoms out)

8. What's your experience with therapy/doctors, if you had any?

9. Do you have any comorbid mental illnesses/disorders?

You can choose to answer as many of these or as little as you'd like, or even discuss something else. We can talk symptoms, experiences... I just felt like it would be interesting to share what we all think because I haven't met many people with BPD who were as hopeless as I am right now.

 

[Addy92]

Reading your questions alone has made me consider. I gotta research.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

BPD is not really my sole reason to CTB, although it def makes me feel ashamed to be labeled as one. I just feel as if this makes my emotions 10x more than i think should be. The swings are intense and takes a toll on me each time.
My BPD really fucked up my relationships. Always starts out good- but thats bc I'm pretending and I try to be the girl of their dreams so I had everything in - until I feel they won't leave and then I show my "true" self. I put quotes around that, cause i don't even know myself. I'm always shifting, so idk. I just always adore them at first, then something, could even be little, makes me double thing..and forget it now... everything is spiraling out of control. I stop talking to them, block them purposely bring them down, etc.

TBH, I"m too ashamed to apologize... the pain I caused, an apology would be a fucking joke. I just dont do anything. I keep the guilt in, but I still act out the same way in each damn relationship. I just can't control it! and it frustrates me. I just want to have normal relationships with everyone. BUt i'm just too scared of continuing one. So scared of them up and leaving when I think everything is okay. I feel fucking evil. But i'm really not

Along with BPD, I have an eating disorder. Not sure if this goes alongside with it, but I also have severe anxiety

Sorry I couldn't answer some of the q's. They are quite triggering and brings back bad memories.. but I just wanted to share a little of what i go through

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I am diagnosed with this but it doesn't make sense. This disorder, if I am understand it correctly, is all about people and emotions towards them and I am kinda don't connect with people, I don't get them, they are not really interesting to me. I have only mood swings and sensitivity to rejection. I think it is rejection sensitive dysphoria (new cool term coined by a doctor who research ADHD because he thinks it appears to be comorbid with ADHD).

 

[Norest4thewicked]

I'll have a go at answering your questions!
1 No. External circumstances also contribute
2 Every relationship I've ever had. Gave my ex girlfriend hell. Not surprised she walked
2a Too late for apologies
3 Diagnosed
4 Rage and distrust
5 One day at a time. With weed and beer
6 Repeated breakdowns, anger and rage out in public. Not a good look!
6a Abandonment issues. Being treated differently to other kids due to a health problem.
7 way too many to list!
8 Luckily for me I have a fairly decent therapist who I find quite helpful and not a condescending clueless idiot. The doctors on the other hand.........
9 Depression, anxiety, ASPD
Hope this helps!

 

[Pan]

It would seem that bpd is everywhere; although I am told that I "don't have it", (ex friends do), it appears to be the illness of our times. Perhaps bpd is a byproduct of bad boomer parenting? If that is the case, then the rage and anxiety that seems to go hand in hand with the disorder is understandable.

 

[Final Escape]

It would seem that bpd is everywhere; although I am told that I "don't have it", (ex friends do), it appears to be the illness of our times. Perhaps bpd is a byproduct of bad boomer parenting? If that is the case, then the rage and anxiety that seems to go hand in hand with the disorder is understandable.

Yea I've heard many boomers are narcissists and sociopaths. My mother was a narcissist. Very indifferent and negligent parent. My mother had one spoiling parent and one abusive one, I guess this is one way narcissistic personality disorder to develop. She was an only child. I suspect to some degree wars which cause ptsd might be sometimes how trauma is passed on. When the father comes back w ptsd or dies in war now the kids have no father. But also institutionalized violence on the citizens by government causes major problems bc they screw with the normal social order and economics. Brainwashing by gov on tv started for the boomers.

 

[maddieray]

I don't have anything to really add I just wanted someone who has this like me (official diagnosis) and see if someone can explain everything about it. All the research I read about it (actual studies I found in my college section) say things I get but I feel like someone with it might explain it all better. Why do I struggle to empathize with others. I feel bad but don't care at the same time. Why am I nice and sweet but can easily get drunk of power? Why do I avoid my friends and family because they feel like too much to deal with? Why do I trust my husband and know he won't cheat but easily lose that the second I see even the smallest of red flags or out of place things? Am I even a good mother? How can I fix this? I hate therapy but know I need it. They all want to talk about my childhood but I already understand and have processed most of it. I feel like I'm too self aware with all of it. I can even logically realize I'm self destructive and choose to ignore it because it's too much effort to fix. I just want someone to explain it all so I can process it and try to fix it myself since therapy is hard to do time wise.
Thanks in advance and sorry if it's too much too fast. I just need to know it gets better.

 

[Arachne]

1. No

2. yea lots i feel like ive hurt people i wish i didnt i abandoned people i wish i could have back

3. I was diagnosed by a therapist but im not sure if it ever made its way onto a medical record tbh

4. dissociating probably just going from feeling everything to nothing in seconds

6. forced into therapy

6a. neglect, abandonment, generally bad childhood

8. therapy sucks makes me feel like a monster

 

[blitz]

1 yes

2 I've cut out all family and friends over the years and lost my gf of 9 years. Its just me now.

3 diagnosed

4 jealousy and neediness

5 get drunk every single day

6 failed relationship sent me in a spiral where I self destructed everything in my life.

7 nothing much these days since I have isolated myself. I have no one in my life.

8 doctors are no help. They just want to pump you full of antidepressants and anti psychotics. Gave up on therapy when I was told dbt wasn't an option if I kept drinking alcohol.

9 not that I know of.