Venting People with autism here?

[Ghost2211]

Question 1:
Yes, sure. It's not inappropriate.
The intention is to help your child, which deserves praise. Sadly, not every parent has intrinsic motivation to ensure mental well-being for their kids.

Question 2&3:
I personally, yes. Even autistic people show visual clues in how they possibly could react, and i don't notice or misjudge them.
Autistic people are also people, and i have problems in communicating with people.
Yes. When i talk to people on the spectrum i struggle less to understand whats going on. You tend to share similiarities in thought process and how you communicate.

Question 4-6:
If people don't understand what im saying, they should politely say what they don't get. It's that simple.
To make me feel heard and understood just communicate openly with me. Everything that seems misunderstood needs to be adressed, or it will eventually result in conflict.
I can't answer the last question.

Thank you for your responses. There is nothing more amazing in life than learning new ways of seeing the world, and being able to better someone's life. Thank you for the point that in cases people will never understand, but the situation is softened by comparison and patience. It can be ver frustrating for my 5 (and me) when she says the same thing 15 times as if it's said agin I'll make the connection. Hopefully with time and age and enough empathy I will better learn how she processes. It makes me sad and guilty how stressful it can get.

 

[muffin222]

For those with autism. May I ask you a couple questions? Please tell me if this is not appropriate. As a non-autistic parent with two autistic children I want to learn how to communicate better to try break the cycle of stuffing. My ex will not admit to me or himself he is autistic, but I see the same patterns in him as I do the children.

I honestly think the best thing you can do if you don't understand what an autistic person is saying is to ask point blank. A lot of NTs don't want to probe or ask questions because they think it's rude or confrontational, but I don't see it that way. Another thing I would love, is if people could actually try to explain why they find certain things I say or do offensive or inappropriate or confusing. I mean, REALLY explain it, not just say, "I don't know" or "That's just how it is." Most autistic people aren't malicious and aren't intentionally trying to be rude or oppositional- we just genuinely don't get it.

So, we keep repeating the same blunders and social faux pas again and again without ever fully grasping what the issue is because people seldom actually explain it, leading to constant misunderstandings, conflict, confusion, and, frustration. This cycle then leads a lot of people on the spectrum into the social isolation that we're infamous for.

I know for me personally, "That's just how it is" isn't enough for me to stop doing something, especially if it doesn't appear to be causing harm to anyone or anything, it feels logical to me, and I perceive some benefit in it for myself or for the other person. I like to understand the why behind people's reactions, not to try to make them justify why they're offended or upset or uncomfortable, but simply because I want to understand. This alone has gotten me into a lot of trouble, sadly, because it comes off as defiant. I know other people on the spectrum who have encountered the same issues. So yes, in that sense, I find it easier to communicate with other people on the spectrum because I find that they don't offend as easily when I do things in a strange way or when I screw up communication.

The biggest thing I wish people could see is that I do have a strong sense of integrity, I do have empathy, and I do try my best to navigate this world with kindness. Socializing just doesn't come naturally to me, and it's confusing and difficult for me to adhere to all of these strange social rules and customs when they don't make a ton of sense to me. That might sound selfish, and maybe it is in a way, but it's not done with malicious intent. Most autistic people are just trying to feel comfortable in this world. And, what feels comfortable for us often conflicts with societal norms. I think the kindest thing to do for your children would be to allow them some leeway to be weird and quirky and follow their own little rituals, whilst providing clarity and guidance for them on how to navigate the basics of the social world and how to follow the bare minimum in order to avoid hurting or overly offending people. Another key would be to provide alternatives to behaviors that are truly problematic, in additional to explaining why the behavior in question needs correcting.

For example, for years I would hug people at inappropriate times, such as at work or in front of their significant other. I never meant any harm in it, but people would get offended and cut me out of friend groups or avoid me outright. Nobody ever told me why; they just assumed that I knew that hugging was inappropriate in certain contexts and that I was just choosing to go against that because I wanted attention, I didn't respect boundaries, or I just wanted to flirt. If someone had pulled me aside and calmly explained where I went wrong, I would have understood the harm in it and modified my behavior. But, because no one told me for years that this was an issue, I continued to repeat this over and over, losing several female friends and alienating myself from people in the process because my friendly hugs were misinterpreted as something else. This social faux pas may seem glaringly obvious to most regular people, but for me it wasn't, and not grasping how my behavior was coming off to other people led me into a lot of uncomfortable situations that could have been avoided.

Never assume that an autistic person understands a social rule and is just deliberately choosing to go against it, however obvious or common sense the rule or behavior may appear to you. Most of us dislike social conflict and want to avoid it at all costs; we just don't always connect to the dots between our behavior and the negative reactions of people around us. So, the best thing you can do is lovingly, but firmly explain these issues as you see them, whilst offering a more socially appropriate alternative to the behavior. In my case, for example, with the hugging, a less offensive alternative to express affection with people could have been to give high fives.

This was quite long and I know it doesn't answer all of your questions point blank, but I sincerely hope it's helpful to you! :) I wish I had people around me growing up who were as curious and sensitive to my struggles as you are. It likely would have saved me a lot of trouble, social ostracism, embarrassment, and pain over the years

 

[Ghost2211]

I honestly think the best thing you can do if you don't understand what an autistic person is saying is to ask point blank. A lot of NTs don't want to probe or ask questions because they think it's rude or confrontational, but I don't see it that way. Another thing I would love, is if people could actually try to explain why they find certain things I say or do offensive or inappropriate or confusing. I mean, REALLY explain it, not just say, "I don't know" or "That's just how it is." Most autistic people aren't malicious and aren't intentionally trying to be rude or oppositional- we just genuinely don't get it.

So, we keep repeating the same blunders and social faux pas again and again without ever fully grasping what the issue is because people seldom actually explain it, leading to constant misunderstandings, conflict, confusion, and, frustration. This cycle then leads a lot of people on the spectrum into the social isolation that we're infamous for.

I know for me personally, "That's just how it is" isn't enough for me to stop doing something, especially if it doesn't appear to be causing harm to anyone or anything, it feels logical to me, and I perceive some benefit in it for myself or for the other person. I like to understand the why behind people's reactions, not to try to make them justify why they're offended or upset or uncomfortable, but simply because I want to understand. This alone has gotten me into a lot of trouble, sadly, because it comes off as defiant. I know other people on the spectrum who have encountered the same issues. So yes, in that sense, I find it easier to communicate with other people on the spectrum because I find that they don't offend as easily when I do things in a strange way or when I screw up communication.

The biggest thing I wish people could see is that I do have a strong sense of integrity, I do have empathy, and I do try my best to navigate this world with kindness. Socializing just doesn't come naturally to me, and it's confusing and difficult for me to adhere to all of these strange social rules and customs when they don't make a ton of sense to me. That might sound selfish, and maybe it is in a way, but it's not done with malicious intent. Most autistic people are just trying to feel comfortable in this world. And, what feels comfortable for us often conflicts with societal norms. I think the kindest thing to do for your children would be to allow them some leeway to be weird and quirky and follow their own little rituals, whilst providing clarity and guidance for them on how to navigate the basics of the social world and how to follow the bare minimum in order to avoid hurting or overly offending people. Another key would be to provide alternatives to behaviors that are truly problematic, in additional to explaining why the behavior in question needs correcting.

For example, for years I would hug people at inappropriate times, such as at work or in front of their significant other. I never meant any harm in it, but people would get offended and cut me out of friend groups or avoid me outright. Nobody ever told me why; they just assumed that I knew that hugging was inappropriate in certain contexts and that I was just choosing to go against that because I wanted attention, I didn't respect boundaries, or I just wanted to flirt. If someone had pulled me aside and calmly explained where I went wrong, I would have understood the harm in it and modified my behavior. But, because no one told me for years that this was an issue, I continued to repeat this over and over, losing several female friends and alienating myself from people in the process because my friendly hugs were misinterpreted as something else. This social faux pas may seem glaringly obvious to most regular people, but for me it wasn't, and not grasping how my behavior was coming off to other people led me into a lot of uncomfortable situations that could have been avoided.

Never assume that an autistic person understands a social rule and is just deliberately choosing to go against it, however obvious or common sense the rule or behavior may appear to you. Most of us dislike social conflict and want to avoid it at all costs; we just don't always connect to the dots between our behavior and the negative reactions of people around us. So, the best thing you can do is lovingly, but firmly explain these issues as you see them, whilst offering a more socially appropriate alternative to the behavior. In my case, for example, with the hugging, a less offensive alternative to express affection with people could have been to give high fives.

This was quite long and I know it doesn't answer all of your questions point blank, but I sincerely hope it's helpful to you! :) I wish I had people around me growing up who were as curious and sensitive to my struggles as you are. It likely would have saved me a lot of trouble, social ostracism, embarrassment, and pain over the years

This was an amazing response. Thank you so much for taking the time and thought to explain so much. I can see the truth in this with my little ones interaction... for example my 5 year old loves to smell feet. To her his is affected and bestowing attention, but for others it's felt to be weird. For my 2 year old it's playing with a mole on my arm to no end. For both of them this is bonding, but for me it's uncomfortable. I just redirect the behaviors.

These issues seem harder to manage in adults than children, as children tend to be more open to correction and explanation. Perhaps I did my ex wrong in some regards not understanding why he could never see my side of things. it was just not able to handle the constant misunderstandings and conflicts from an adult.

Thank you to everyone that responded for helping me grow as a person, and expand my understanding of how to empathize with the little ones.

 

[DoNotLet2]

Oh yeah that's me.
I don't have any sensory difficulties. I simply have ZERO social skills. Yes equally zero. I can't communicate with people at all and it's not caused by my English speaking skills. The fact that I can't communicate drives me insane. I can't make any relationships because no one understands me. I don't want to die but it doesn't look like it can get better.

Ok this is merely my worthless opinion:

do people with autism have trouble communicating with other people with autism? Do they understand one other better than non autistic people do? I communicate with my nonverbal child through empathy. I learn his patterns and how his scripting works, but my ex can't. Both autistic children feel that I understand them, but that the father doesn't at all despite his likely autism.

This is a complicated question. They are being some studies run. There is a theory that we autistic people understand one another well but I don't know.

another thing I would love to know is how would like people to talk to you if they don't understand what you're trying to say? How can people better make you feel heard and understood? What do you wish people could see?

Gosh that's such a good question... If people simply asked "did you mean to insult me?" (or something like that) instead "you fuckin' cunt you're so fuckin' rude you piece of shit" (or anything meaning this) my life would have been significantly easier. Neurotypicals ALWAYS FUCKIN ALWAYS assume that they understand me perfectly fine. Sometimes I say something that has 50 meanings 49 of them being neutral AND JUST ONE OF THEM being rude. And neurotypicals of course assume that it's that fiftieth one So what I mean is "asking for clarifying is good". Please don't assume that an autistic person meant to harass you.
"How can people better make you feel heard and understood?" Don't interrupt me in a middle of a sentence. Neurotypicals speak in turns everybody has their own turn and idk why but mine last 10 seconds and then I have to shut up. So letting me speak would be great. That's why I talk so much online and so little offline. You can't interrupt me when I'm writing a post xd
"What do you wish people could see?" That I'm a human being just like everybody else and I have feelings inside and I sometimes feel hurt.

I want to be the support I can be. It can be hard from the outside. I hope nothing seemed rude. I love them, and I breaks my heart to think they might end up where we are for feeling not understood, and to see how life has treated you guys.

Why would that be rude even?

 

[muffin222]

Why would that be rude even?

I've noticed that a lot of neurotypical people think it's rude to ask questions. I'm not entirely sure why, though :)

 

[Ghost2211]

I've noticed that a lot of neurotypical people think it's rude to ask questions. I'm not entirely sure why, though :)

society teaches us its wrong to be curious about what makes people different since the general attitude of society is different = bad. It makes those of us that want to learn and grow feel sorry for seeking to understand others.

when my eldest was 2 he met a woman at the park with vitiligo. He proceeded to ask "why do you have spots?". I literally died inside that he said that since society tells us to ignore peoples difference and it's rude not to. She was amazing about it and could tell I was embarrassed. She explained it to him in a way a toddler could understand then told me children's curiosity and honesty is part of what makes them beautiful.

 

[muffin222]

society teaches us its wrong to be curious about what makes people different since the general attitude of society is different = bad. It makes those of us that want to learn and grow feel sorry for seeking to understand others.

when my eldest was 2 he met a woman at the park with vitiligo. He proceeded to ask "why do you have spots?". I literally died inside that he said that since society tells us to ignore peoples difference and it's rude not to. She was amazing about it and could tell I was embarrassed. She explained it to him in a way a toddler could understand then told me children's curiosity and honesty is part of what makes them beautiful.

Ahhh, that makes sense! Society teaches us that differences are something to be ashamed of, so it's seen as rude to call attention to people's differences. That explains a lot. Children are very curious- society then crushes the impulse to explore and seek answers over time :(

This is a very insightful thread