LIke I mean I fucking hate myself so often. I apologize for being stupid or ignorant etc. I make jokes about all my weaknesses and insecurities.
I know two people close to me who have such an healthy amount of self-esteem or confidence. They seem to be so different in this instance.
My best friend I think he is used to my self-loathing. And my closest friend in college I think he sometimes wonders why I am this way. I have the feeling in some way he pities me. I don't really want pity. Though I feel like a complete fraud, want to be transparent about that and by doing that I reveal that I am completely insular, self-absorbed and insecure. This is so deep inside myself/visceral (always wanted to use that word) the only thing that helps is to joke about it. My best friend can laugh about it. But this guy from college I think considers me kind of strange. He is not sure whether one has to worry about me. And in fact one probably should worry about me but I don't want that he does that. There are other people in charge of that.
I am just amazed how people can genuinely like themselves when they received the right education. The way I was raised was extremely damaging. If you want your children to become wrecks my parents can teach you some tricks. People can really believe in their skills without all these self-doubts. People can say yeah I deserve love and acknowledgement. I am a valuable human being without being ironic or just saying it because other people demand it. People can enjoy life without all these daily sorrows. They are glad that they live and are exicted about the future. They are driven by joy instead of deep anxiety.
All of this feels so foreign to me. Just like a world I will never know.
I know two people close to me who have such an healthy amount of self-esteem or confidence. They seem to be so different in this instance.
My best friend I think he is used to my self-loathing. And my closest friend in college I think he sometimes wonders why I am this way. I have the feeling in some way he pities me. I don't really want pity. Though I feel like a complete fraud, want to be transparent about that and by doing that I reveal that I am completely insular, self-absorbed and insecure. This is so deep inside myself/visceral (always wanted to use that word) the only thing that helps is to joke about it. My best friend can laugh about it. But this guy from college I think considers me kind of strange. He is not sure whether one has to worry about me. And in fact one probably should worry about me but I don't want that he does that. There are other people in charge of that.
I am just amazed how people can genuinely like themselves when they received the right education. The way I was raised was extremely damaging. If you want your children to become wrecks my parents can teach you some tricks. People can really believe in their skills without all these self-doubts. People can say yeah I deserve love and acknowledgement. I am a valuable human being without being ironic or just saying it because other people demand it. People can enjoy life without all these daily sorrows. They are glad that they live and are exicted about the future. They are driven by joy instead of deep anxiety.
All of this feels so foreign to me. Just like a world I will never know.
