People will give you 'tough love' by saying "you just need to push through it and even if your life is shit" then be against CTB lol

[bluville]

I had this argument last night with people I'm in server with, well not so much an argument but I was getting frustrated. I was venting about how bad my life is, how I don't have a bright future, how unlikely things will ever get better and if they did it would be way out of my youth. And essentially the response was "yeah your life is shitty but just get over it and deal with it". People say this allll the time.

I don't understand how you can admit someone's entire life is just fucked and then tell them to push through for the sake of... I don't even know, just to be alive for the sake of being alive? It's okay if you're life is valueless and nothing but suffering as long as you're alive right? It's okay you missed out on all of your youth for the sake of living. It's dumb.

And of course none of them understood really, most of them didn't even try to. One of them was going to like the best school in their country and lectured me about my academic failures. It's so tone deaf.

There was one girl who talking to helped, her life is rough from what I know, so her tough love felt more like a camaraderie if anything instead of being talked down by people who will never experience what I'm experiencing. It's easy to say "just do it" when you don't have to.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I suspect a lot of the "suck it up/push through" discourse has to do with a lack of... understanding, perhaps. Not in a malicious "people don't care" way, but rather in a "mental health is not discussed openly, so people don't know how to even begin to process these things". If someone has no experience of knowledge of mental health issues, they won't know what to say about it. The default then becomes a sort of cheerleading that, to the person who's dealing with said issues, feels dismissive and insulting.

Sadly, there's a lot of ignorance regarding the mind and its various troubles that needs to be dealt with.

 

[SamTam33]

I suspect a lot of the "suck it up/push through" discourse has to do with a lack of... understanding, perhaps. Not in a malicious "people don't care" way, but rather in a "mental health is not discussed openly, so people don't know how to even begin to process these things". If someone has no experience of knowledge of mental health issues, they won't know what to say about it. The default then becomes a sort of cheerleading that, to the person who's dealing with said issues, feels dismissive and insulting...

This might be true, but sometimes people just don't care.

And they aren't interested in furthering their understanding of an issue. They're perfectly ok with their current level of comprehension.

Not saying this was necessarily the case for the people OP was talking to, just pointing out that we don't always have to make excuses for insensitive people.

Sometimes they're just jerks.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

This might be true, but sometimes people just don't care.

And they aren't interested in furthering their understanding of an issue. They're perfectly ok with their current level of comprehension.

Not saying this was necessarily the case for the people OP was talking to, just pointing out that we don't always have to make excuses for insensitive people.

Sometimes they're just jerks.

Of course, there are people who don't care at all. I'm also not saying whether this is the case in OP's situation, as I don't know the people involved. I'm simply offering an alternate perspective, because I find alternate perspectives helpful in general. It's not an attempt to justify people's behaviour.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's best not to even have conversations with people like that, those people just sound so insensitive and dismissive. There is simply no benefit to enduring an existence that is not worth it, and I cannot stand it when people glorify suffering, people who do that just make this world a more hellish place. Just because some people are blinded by their delusions and privileges doesn't give them the right to invalidate the feelings of others.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Those people often have a hard time putting themselves in another person's shoes, which leads to tone deaf platitudes and tough love rhetoric that can make the other party feel worse than before they sought a listening ear in the first place.

Because they are surviving and thriving, they seem to believe others can always overcome any roadblocks in their way no matter what, even if your specific circumstances are very different to theirs, as evidenced by the case of the scholar at a top university lecturing you about academic failure. If they had gone through sustained educational setbacks, they wouldn't be in their current position due to the strict admissions criteria set by high ranking academic institutions.

I think you're right that the pep talks and cheerleading does seem more sincere when it is coming from a peer who has lived experience of the issue you're going through. A high achieving scholar who has been successful since early childhood is not going to relate to the trials and tribulations of someone who is struggling to catch up academically and working their ass off to pass a class/module they weren't prepared for during their youth. They just can't imagine not being in their position and having the upbringing that they did, so their words feel hollow and empty.

I know it is very hard to find people who will openly talk about having issues that are similar to yours, and it is so unbelievably frustrating when people tell you to quit moaning and just get over it. They never seem to offer any wisdom, advice, or suggestions on how exactly one would ignore their problems and "get on with it." The sentiment feels highly unproductive/unconstructive and devoid of empathy, especially if the person spouting it has acknowledged that your life is difficult. When life is so challenging, it can be nearly impossible to simply pretend that those difficulties don't exist since our brains aren't going to throw out important memories so easily.

It is especially difficult to mourn for lost youth and opportunities. Most people aren't aware of the privledges they were blessed with and take for granted having a normal and stable childhood. Your post resonates with me a lot because people constsntly tell me to quit being bothered by ptsd and chronic illness, to live in the present moment and quit whining. It really does bring a person down further to be invalidated so much.

I hope you can find new friends who will listen to what you have to say and empathise with you rather than pushing this, just get over it nonsense. They may not realize that it is harmful, because it is such a prevalent and socially acceptable thing to say (in some cases, it can be warranted if the issue is relatively minor and someone just needs the motivation to process and move past the incidence in question, but the deep sort of pain that drives someone to be suicidal is an entirely different ballgame)

 

[NikePopuli]

I get told this so often even by people who one would imagine would understand. In my experience it just comes from people not knowing what to say, which is perfectly valid as even I don't know what to say to myself.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think a lot of people are told this by their parents and other people- so they just kind of regurgitate it. A friend of mine who has also been suicidal (even had attempts) and likely still is- also comes out with this stuff! Even worse- I sometimes say it back to them!

I think people say it because sometimes it feels like the only thing they can say. I suppose the better alternative would be- we're sorry you're struggling- life can be hard. Still- I doubt even we would say to someone- yeah- everything sucks- why don't you just give up?

I think people mainly say it though when solutions seem few or- the solutions (decisions) HAVE to come from the person themselves. Not many people really enjoy being told that they have had an easy life compared to you. I expect most people feel like they have had their own problems that they have had to contend with. I often get the 'you just have to get on with it' lecture too. I think perhaps the main difference between them and us is that we've reached the conclusion that- NO- I REALLY don't have to just get on with it if I don't want to...

I don't know how fair it is to ask them to justify WHY we should keep going though. Most of the time, it is our friends and family saying stuff like this. Ok- our parents are I suppose responsible for us being here but no one else is. Plus, I doubt our parents brought us into the world with mallicious intent to make us suffer. They more likely just didn't think it through very well. It's kind of natural that someone who cares about us (but who didn't understand just how badly we were suffering) wouldn't want us to CTB. I don't enjoy the ridiculous platitudes either but I suppose I think- what else can they really say when there isn't a solution?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

People will give you 'tough love' by saying "you just need to push through it and even if your life is shit" then be against CTB lol


No.... No I don't!!!!

 

[Escapee]

this is the situation i am going through. people even accused me for attempting suicide. my family members are totally indifferent for the suffering i'm going through. they tell me to be strong when there is no strength left in me. a close relative recently told me to have faith and wait for god to respond. maybe that is the right thing to do and i believe in god. but telling someone like me to keep living is like telling someone with severely broken backbone to run i told him.