People who CTB soon, how do u feel?

[spectraltease]

Ppl ctb soon, how do you feel?

I have time left because I will do it in January and thats my only chance, there won't be a going back. Im a very strict person and somehow I couldn't see myself in the mirror if I wouldn't do it on the day X, cause I feel like a p*ssy or something idk its weird.
Some poeple I know want to do some events with me in January. I know I will be dead then, its weird to talk to them about this event I will not attend.
My feeling is a little happy but numb to the same time. I want to die for so long, my day is finally coming.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

I found out I get my apartment back tomorrow and will be going back to it in the afternoon. My new plan is to spend the week putting my affairs in order and writing my goodbye letters, and then finally leaving on Friday or Saturday.

I've been rapidly cycling between excitement and readiness, and sheer, disassociating inducing terror. I can't believe this is going to be it. Its going to be over soon. Providing I don't bail out or fuck it up, I'll have a goodbye post up in the next few days.

My heart is breaking for my family. They've tried so hard to get me in a position where I'm stable and safe, but there's nothing they can do to stop me now. I've also pushed away and gaslit the longest love of my life on Friday in an attempt to get her to leave me alone to kill myself. It didn't work, and now I've effectively kicked her out of the flat we shared. I won't have a chance to say goodbye to her before I go.

I feel like a fucking monster. I feel like I deserve death at this point. But I have to do it.

You know that scene in Game of Thrones, the battle of the bastards where Jon Snow is stood alone in front of the charging calvary? It feels like that to me. I'm about to charge into my fucking death and there's no possible way to back out now. I just have to be brave and carry out the plan.

God fucking help me, please.

 

[spectraltease]

I found out I get my apartment back tomorrow and will be going back to it in the afternoon. My new plan is to spend the week putting my affairs in order and writing my goodbye letters, and then finally leaving on Friday or Saturday.

I've been rapidly cycling between excitement and readiness, and sheer, disassociating inducing terror. I can't believe this is going to be it. Its going to be over soon. Providing I don't bail out or fuck it up, I'll have a goodbye post up in the next few days.

My heart is breaking for my family. They've tried so hard to get me in a position where I'm stable and safe, but there's nothing they can do to stop me now. I've also pushed away and gaslit the longest love of my life on Friday in an attempt to get her to leave me alone to kill myself. It didn't work, and now I've effectively kicked her out of the flat we shared. I won't have a chance to say goodbye to her before I go.

I feel like a fucking monster. I feel like I deserve death at this point. But I have to do it.

You know that scene in Game of Thrones, the battle of the bastards where Jon Snow is stood alone in front of the charging calvary? It feels like that to me. I'm about to charge into my fucking death and there's no possible way to back out now. I just have to be brave and carry out the plan.

God fucking help me, please.

As the day approaches, you are always excited and feel like the biggest monster. But you just wanted to do good, maybe you can't say goodbye to her anymore, but at least you tried everything. Your family has probably invested a lot in you, that's very nice that you had such a family, but you can't help feeling the way you feel and will do it. I think these stories are always far too much about those who stay behind. It's about you and how you feel, do you know what I mean? So don't feel bad, you deserve freedom.
(my feelings) : When I think about what my family and some ppl in my life think, I always think on the past me, who was treated like shit. My parents don't deserve mercy, and my "friends" or ppl did never hear me out. My death dosent come outta nowhere.
Good luck.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

As the day approaches, you are always excited and feel like the biggest monster. But you just wanted to do good, maybe you can't say goodbye to her anymore, but at least you tried everything. Your family has probably invested a lot in you, that's very nice that you had such a family, but you can't help feeling the way you feel and will do it. I think these stories are always far too much about those who stay behind. It's about you and how you feel, do you know what I mean? So don't feel bad, you deserve freedom.

Thank you. I am actually incredibly grateful for the past few days I have spent with my family. I told them absolutely everything about my situation, warts and all, and my dad actually said to me that he completely understands why I'd want to kill myself in this situation. My death will still hit him like a truck, but dying knowing that he at least understands, means so much to me. I haven't spoken to my mother in 4 years now though. I do plan on writing her a letter as closure for her.

(my feelings) : When I think about what my family and some ppl in my life think, I always think on the past me, who was treated like shit. My parents don't deserve mercy, and my "friends" or ppl did never hear me out. My death dosent come outta nowhere.
Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and bad luck with other people. I hope you can at least find some solace with the people here on the forum. They're just Internet strangers, but they're very good people. I've only been here a few weeks but feel strong connections with some people here just from being in the same boat of having shit luck in life.

I wish you all the best on your journey. Take care of yourself.

 

[Hope:-)]

I am planning to attempt an attempt soon. I say attempt an attempt because I don't know how close I will get to doing it or if I will do it. However, if I get closer to doing it then I did last time then I will consider it a success. I feel scared and lonely. I'm unsure whether to rent an airbnb but then if I don't do it I've just shot £250 up the wall. It's either that or doing it at my dad and his wife's home. That's a bit s****y to do but my family doesn't really care about me and will always remember this as me being selfish no matter where I do it. Plus it's soundproofed. I'm thinking I will probably do it at my dad's and his wife's. They'll probably have to sell the house, but if I do it elsewhere and keep not doing it I will end up with no money, and if I ask my dad for any money he will be like 'where the hell did the rest of the money go??' Tired of having to think of other people frankly...

I feel a little numb and on autopilot which gives me some hope that I may actually go through with this.x

 

[Amor]

Numb? I just know it's something I have to do and there's no time left anymore.

 

[KQuotientW]

I haven't let on to anyone else that I'm CTB soon. I have friends I haven't told. In all honesty, they won't realise for a month or two when they haven't heard from me.

I've been going on as normal, not giving anyone a clue. I appear to be my usual, friendly upbeat self to all who know me. Supermarket staff in my rural community didn't ask why I'd bought a lot of charcoal, even though, I did it over many weeks, bit by bit, but they noticed. Even people I know in the community, just through basic interaction when shopping, have no idea that I'm close to CTB. In a rural area, everyone knows everyone and their business, so I've been careful. Even some of the cops are "locals".

I'm using the charcoal method. I'm just waiting for a break in the rain so I can light charcoal outside and bring it inside when it stops smoking. It's been raining a lot where I live, which is unusual for this region. I say that I want to CTB tonight, but it will probably start raining again, now that I've said that lol.

I feel ready to go. It's my time. At least I get to choose how and when I go.

 

[brokensea]

I feel like I'm looking forward to being at peace but still feel guilty I'm causing other people pain .

I want to just be happy. Happy for myself. I wish I didn't feel guilty to ruin that too.

 

[Obliviate]

I also plan on doing it January. It's not that far away honestly but as it get's closer it feels so surreal like wow I'm just gonna be gone? like I won't exist anymore....it's very weird but living scares me more

 

[Jupit3rs]

i guess i feel a bit calm... but i'm also scared of failing, i want everything to go right, i don't want more disappointments. A mixture of fear and excitement?

 

[spectraltease]

I am planning to attempt an attempt soon. I say attempt an attempt because I don't know how close I will get to doing it or if I will do it. However, if I get closer to doing it then I did last time then I will consider it a success. I feel scared and lonely. I'm unsure whether to rent an airbnb but then if I don't do it I've just shot £250 up the wall. It's either that or doing it at my dad and his wife's home. That's a bit s****y to do but my family doesn't really care about me and will always remember this as me being selfish no matter where I do it. Plus it's soundproofed. I'm thinking I will probably do it at my dad's and his wife's. They'll probably have to sell the house, but if I do it elsewhere and keep not doing it I will end up with no money, and if I ask my dad for any money he will be like 'where the hell did the rest of the money go??' Tired of having to think of other people frankly...

I feel a little numb and on autopilot which gives me some hope that I may actually go through with this.x

Yes, I understand you. We have too much mercy for ppl who treated us like shit I think. If you do a airbnb, you will have this push cause if u got no money, you will have to to it in some way, yk. I try to give me no chance for going back, or fail it. I feel somehow too on autopilot, in my head is only my plan. Have luck my friend

i guess i feel a bit calm... but i'm also scared of failing, i want everything to go right, i don't want more disappointments. A mixture of fear and excitement?

I got fear of failing too. I think I have to plan it much as I can. I try to maximize my not-surviving chances. Good luck.

 

[1000winds]

i try not to overthink about the whole situation. i constantly have to remind myself about the reasons for ctb outweigh the reasons to keep on existing. i'm trying to stay calm.

 

[spectraltease]

i try not to overthink about the whole situation. i constantly have to remind myself about the reasons for ctb outweigh the reasons to keep on existing. i'm trying to stay calm.

Yes, you right. I should stay calm and remember always the reason why I do it.

 

[spectraltease]

I also plan on doing it January. It's not that far away honestly but as it get's closer it feels so surreal like wow I'm just gonna be gone? like I won't exist anymore....it's very weird but living scares me more

Yeah, its one more winter and then we will be gone, stange feeling but its a good one somehow. Everything will end on this day in january. I have to let go tho, im a lil scared but I don't have to control anything everytime. I just do what I have to, and the rest is not in my hands.

 

[Obliviate]

I just do what I have to, and the rest is not in my hands.

This. Is. Amazing. I love that.

 

[Nirrend]

I plan to do it in middle october,

Like many others said here, I'm terrified, anxious and I've got difficulties to realize that I will really be dead. But at the same time, I'm also feeling like a monster who will leave behind people I love, I also feel excited and in a hurry to finish.

Since 10 years now, I've always had suicidal ideation, but I feel today that there's really no hope in life.

I'm scared to fail and I fear the day I will do it

I guess that this is the last SI attempts to discourage me to ctb. But when we think, I realize that a lot of people before us did it, I realize that in the end, we will all die one day, and I also think to the people who've been tortured, died in pain and had no choices.

I guess that afterall, there's no others way out (In my case of course, I won't incitate someone).

So yes, alterning from Fear to Happyness, from Denial to reality

 

[spectraltease]

This. Is. Amazing. I love that.

Thank you:)

 

[Wait-Bus]

Overall, I have a sense of soon. It has no specific date associated with it, other than I will get a thought that says - now - is the right time. And it will be.

 

[spectraltease]

Overall, I have a sense of soon. It has no specific date associated with it, other than I will get a thought that says - now - is the right time. And it will be.

Yeah, without a date is better I guess. You are more calm and more relaxed than thinking everyday of your date. You got a month or something?

 

[Wait-Bus]

Yeah, without a date is better I guess. You are more calm and more relaxed than thinking everyday of your date. You got a month or something?

I think I'd prefer that when I get the notion that its now, there are maybe only a few hours between the thought and the deed. I don't want the anxiety of waiting for the appointed date.

 

[spectraltease]

I think I'd prefer that when I get the notion that its now, there are maybe only a few hours between the thought and the deed. I don't want the anxiety of waiting for the appointed date.

Good thing 100%. I would do it too if I wouldn't have to plan so much for this day. Anxiety is fucking me fr