DyingToDie123
she/her
- Oct 25, 2023
- 384
When all of my friends cut me off last September, they did so because they said I was "obsessed with suicide as a means of revenge against [a particular person in that group]". It just hit me last night how fucking invalidating and presumptuous that is. I was feeling suicidal long before I came into these people's lives and they know that, and yet, it magically became about them when they came into my life?
I've mentioned before that I have a restraining order against me primarily for writing a suicide note to someone. In the restraining order they said that the suicide "attempt" that followed the note (i.e. me going to a bridge and changing my mind, I don't consider that a suicide attempt) was "plotted for weeks" to get revenge against this particular person. That wasn't it at all. Sure, I wanted the person to feel bad about my death (and I'm ashamed about that, I wish I didn't feel that way), otherwise I wouldn't have written the note, but mainly I wanted to escape the pain of isolation and just... life.
I wish I could tell them that this isn't about them, that I attempted 15-20 times since they cut me off without even telling them, but that would just feed into their theory (and also get me thrown in jail because, you know, restraining order). There's no feeling I hate more in the world than someone having the wrong idea about me and my motivations and not being able to change it. I feel so helpless.
I've mentioned before that I have a restraining order against me primarily for writing a suicide note to someone. In the restraining order they said that the suicide "attempt" that followed the note (i.e. me going to a bridge and changing my mind, I don't consider that a suicide attempt) was "plotted for weeks" to get revenge against this particular person. That wasn't it at all. Sure, I wanted the person to feel bad about my death (and I'm ashamed about that, I wish I didn't feel that way), otherwise I wouldn't have written the note, but mainly I wanted to escape the pain of isolation and just... life.
I wish I could tell them that this isn't about them, that I attempted 15-20 times since they cut me off without even telling them, but that would just feed into their theory (and also get me thrown in jail because, you know, restraining order). There's no feeling I hate more in the world than someone having the wrong idea about me and my motivations and not being able to change it. I feel so helpless.
