People left behind

[Tomino'sNightengale]

I'm thinking about it. I look at my life, and I see nothing but failures. I was smart. I have college degrees. Still, I made bad decisions and couldn't conquer my psychological and emotional demons. I was unable to create a meaningful, productive life, and I had time to do it. I'm 41 years old, and I have little to live for. I'm thinking about ordering SN to end my life with. still, I'm worried about those I'll leave behind.
I was adopted. In December of 2019, I got one of those Ancestry DNA kits, and long story short, I found my biological family. They're wonderful people. They love me. They've accepted me as family. Many of them waited 38 years to meet me. If I kill myself, I know they'll be sad and miss me. Part of me wants to stay alive just because I know that they want me alive. They'd be very sad if I died. I looked for meaning in this world, and I found none. I am living a largely meaningless life. Still, I care about my biological family, and they don't want me dead. I'm not sure what to do. Do I keep on living for these people, or do I end this life? I heard about how sad some people on my mother's side of my family were when I was given up for adoption, and they'd be even sadder if I died. I definitely feel like I should have never been born. I was the product of a casual fling between two people who were serving in the Air Force. Still, some people to whom I'm related by blood love me, and maybe that's enough reason to go on, even if that's the only reason. I don't know what to do now.

 

[AQUA]

Sorry but I had to say that's fascinating that you actually found your biological family. God, technology is amazing. I'm happy for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like only you know if ctb is the right thing for yourself, it is your life and your decision after all. I could never suffer for the sake of others personally, but I know that deciding to ctb can be difficult when there are others that you are leaving behind. I'm sorry that things are so hopeless, I also see my life as being very meaningless and I know that it can be hard to carry on when all you want is to leave. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Rational man]

I think you've clarified reasons to stay alive. In the end we leave everything behind. We return to cosmic dust when we die but really how do you define meaningless life?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I will not encourage nor discourage you from CTB. Only you can and should be able to make that decision. I hope you make the decision that is right for you.

 

[Tomino'sNightengale]

I think you've clarified reasons to stay alive. In the end we leave everything behind. We return to cosmic dust when we die but really how do you define meaningless life?

To me, a meaningless life is a life in which you have nothing or little to live for. If nothing makes you happy or you don't have a chance to make some victory for mankind, then your life is meaningless. My life is meaningless.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm thinking about it.

Then that is where you are in this journey. There's no right or wrong place to be. It moves along organically.

 

[This_sux ✓]

To me, a meaningless life is a life in which you have nothing or little to live for. If nothing makes you happy or you don't have a chance to make some victory for mankind, then your life is meaningless. My life is meaningless.

Find a niche hobby you'll be good at. It's a cool flex and it's appreciated in society. All you need it motivation, knowledge will come on its own with time. Live for yourself, be a better version of yourself you were yesterday.

 

[Rational man]

To me, a meaningless life is a life in which you have nothing or little to live for. If nothing makes you happy or you don't have a chance to make some victory for mankind, then your life is meaningless. My life is meaningless.

I cannot judge YOU or anyone.