I think some people wonder or laugh at certain behaviors of mine. Not even in the bullying sense. They just wonder about my quirks and how weird I sometimes am. I am an extreme control freak. I felt unobserved doing college stuff and just faded out my environment. It was important work and I was quite obsessed by the details. I won't go into details but other people noticed how much of a weird control freak I am. Someone who is a perfectionist through and through and rather checks everything more than twice instead of making a mistake.
This happened now twice at college. The last time is a pretty long time ago. I noticed that they looked really puzzled at me. I don't want to go into details but these people knew that I have a disability. Maybe they were curious which I had this was a secret for them. When it happened some months ago the guy just looked very vey weird at me. He must have seen my OCD control freak behavior. I ignored his starring.
A very similar incident just happened again. Some students wondered a lot about my perfectionism, my obvious OCD behavior and I kind of ignored how socially awkward I must have been perceived by them. It is true I am obsessed what other people think of me but I absolutely fade that out when I am working on important college stuff. Some just looked kind of puzzled at me. I think they were not judgmental and rather kind of puzzled about my behavior. However one person laughed at my behavior. A guy I really like and he knows about my illness. It was not an evil laugh like a bully. I am not sure whether it makes a difference whether to use the preposition to laugh at or about my behavior. I want to say his intentions were not evil. He was always correct to me and very friendly. I could now tell a long story about all the bullies or my mom who punished me for being weird. However I want now to look at people who have good intentions.
He did not want to mock me in any sense. But would he still laugh if he knew I am thinking about suicide on daily basis because of my conditions? I am not really angry at him. The thing is I don't expect of people like my bullies to be empathetic towards an ill person. However I have met some other people who joked about my quirks or story who were not ill intended but they also were not really aware of what they are doing. This OCD and perfectionism tortures me alive. My life quality is abysmal. I was fired inter alia because of my OCD behavior and poverty is one of my main reasons for suicide. I am obsessed by committing suicide and I see no other way to cope with this life anymore. I cannot solve my problems no matter how desperate I try to solve them.
On the surface I must look like a guy who is just a little bit insecure, showing obsessive beavhior and being socially awkward. These people rather stay at the surface level. They usually don't notice how much pain is caused due to my illness. How excessive the abuse and domestic abuse must have been to make a child (now adult) to such a mental wreck or cripple.
My first therapist I met liked jokes. He diagnosed me for the first time. I often talk about him. I explained him that I studied so hard till I got a psychosis. And that I continued to study even more after the episode started. There were some "funny" elements in that story. And he started joking about them. He was relieved that my diagnosis (to that time) seemed to be easily treatable. However I think he had a bias. A bias many clinical psychologists probably have. They don't dig deep when they treat like 10 patients a day. I won't go into details but there was some irony involved why I studied so eagerly. His jokes were not ill intended. But he prefered to stay at that surface level. I mean it is obivous there must have been more. That there is probably a reason behind a person who goes nuts in such a way. He asked me a question was there anything special in your life besides the things you mentioned. He gave me 10 seconds to respond. Well I was pretty ashamed about my child abuse and suicidality at that time. If he asked me explicitly about such incidents instead of cracking some jokes I probably would have opened myself. Personally I have the feeling many clinical professionals have such a bias. They don't dig deep because there could potentially be something which ruins their mood and disturbs their sleep rhythm. I could imagine it is difficult to stay mentally healthy if one is exposed to suffering people like all the time. I had the feeling especially this therapist but also others could sleep better with the following notion. Everyone who took drugs is responsbile for their own misery. Personally I have never taken drugs but that is kind of a cheap excuse. It probably helps to stay positive minded but blaming people who took drugs to cope for example with child abuse isn't that cynical?
I am going off the main topic. I think many people are not really aware how torturous seemingly harmless quirks can be. How much hatred and abuse I received because of these quirks which just exacerbated these symptoms. I don't really want to blame these people for chuckling about me. But they seem to be extremely naive to me. It is obivious that there is a story behind that behavior.
I am pretty sure these quirks will drive me to commit suicide. The perfectionism got way worse during the last weeks. It is like a relapse into old patterns of behavior. Sadly I don't have anymore meetings with my last psychologist. I will try to tackle the root of my problem soon and not only easing the symptoms. But for now I just have to survive through that time period.
Bottom-line: seemingly harmless quirks can be extremely agonizing which many people prefer to fade out.
This happened now twice at college. The last time is a pretty long time ago. I noticed that they looked really puzzled at me. I don't want to go into details but these people knew that I have a disability. Maybe they were curious which I had this was a secret for them. When it happened some months ago the guy just looked very vey weird at me. He must have seen my OCD control freak behavior. I ignored his starring.
A very similar incident just happened again. Some students wondered a lot about my perfectionism, my obvious OCD behavior and I kind of ignored how socially awkward I must have been perceived by them. It is true I am obsessed what other people think of me but I absolutely fade that out when I am working on important college stuff. Some just looked kind of puzzled at me. I think they were not judgmental and rather kind of puzzled about my behavior. However one person laughed at my behavior. A guy I really like and he knows about my illness. It was not an evil laugh like a bully. I am not sure whether it makes a difference whether to use the preposition to laugh at or about my behavior. I want to say his intentions were not evil. He was always correct to me and very friendly. I could now tell a long story about all the bullies or my mom who punished me for being weird. However I want now to look at people who have good intentions.
He did not want to mock me in any sense. But would he still laugh if he knew I am thinking about suicide on daily basis because of my conditions? I am not really angry at him. The thing is I don't expect of people like my bullies to be empathetic towards an ill person. However I have met some other people who joked about my quirks or story who were not ill intended but they also were not really aware of what they are doing. This OCD and perfectionism tortures me alive. My life quality is abysmal. I was fired inter alia because of my OCD behavior and poverty is one of my main reasons for suicide. I am obsessed by committing suicide and I see no other way to cope with this life anymore. I cannot solve my problems no matter how desperate I try to solve them.
On the surface I must look like a guy who is just a little bit insecure, showing obsessive beavhior and being socially awkward. These people rather stay at the surface level. They usually don't notice how much pain is caused due to my illness. How excessive the abuse and domestic abuse must have been to make a child (now adult) to such a mental wreck or cripple.
My first therapist I met liked jokes. He diagnosed me for the first time. I often talk about him. I explained him that I studied so hard till I got a psychosis. And that I continued to study even more after the episode started. There were some "funny" elements in that story. And he started joking about them. He was relieved that my diagnosis (to that time) seemed to be easily treatable. However I think he had a bias. A bias many clinical psychologists probably have. They don't dig deep when they treat like 10 patients a day. I won't go into details but there was some irony involved why I studied so eagerly. His jokes were not ill intended. But he prefered to stay at that surface level. I mean it is obivous there must have been more. That there is probably a reason behind a person who goes nuts in such a way. He asked me a question was there anything special in your life besides the things you mentioned. He gave me 10 seconds to respond. Well I was pretty ashamed about my child abuse and suicidality at that time. If he asked me explicitly about such incidents instead of cracking some jokes I probably would have opened myself. Personally I have the feeling many clinical professionals have such a bias. They don't dig deep because there could potentially be something which ruins their mood and disturbs their sleep rhythm. I could imagine it is difficult to stay mentally healthy if one is exposed to suffering people like all the time. I had the feeling especially this therapist but also others could sleep better with the following notion. Everyone who took drugs is responsbile for their own misery. Personally I have never taken drugs but that is kind of a cheap excuse. It probably helps to stay positive minded but blaming people who took drugs to cope for example with child abuse isn't that cynical?
I am going off the main topic. I think many people are not really aware how torturous seemingly harmless quirks can be. How much hatred and abuse I received because of these quirks which just exacerbated these symptoms. I don't really want to blame these people for chuckling about me. But they seem to be extremely naive to me. It is obivious that there is a story behind that behavior.
I am pretty sure these quirks will drive me to commit suicide. The perfectionism got way worse during the last weeks. It is like a relapse into old patterns of behavior. Sadly I don't have anymore meetings with my last psychologist. I will try to tackle the root of my problem soon and not only easing the symptoms. But for now I just have to survive through that time period.
Bottom-line: seemingly harmless quirks can be extremely agonizing which many people prefer to fade out.
Last edited:
