People around me are so carefree, just without real sorrows and most likely way more happier than me

[noname223]

I am new in college this is third week. I am very very fragile only benzos and zopiclone help me to keep my act together. Normally I would have stopped college I switch often between mania and depression. This is very dangerous. But my therapist wants me to go on.
Today everyone seemed to be carefree, made silly jokes and did not take anything seriously. I try to adopt to them and act like them. Though in reality I have extreme sorrows. This fragile situation is so fucking dangerous. After my last breakdown I had 2,5 very severe depression with extreme psychosomatic pain. I am so unbelievable scared about that. If that returns I need to ctb quickly. The vast majority (95% i guess) will not live in poverty in constrast to me. I am in a course for very successful people with a lot of smart/ well nurtured people in it.
My therapist says and he is right one cannot know which story a another person has. But it is very unlikely that many of them have such a messed up/tragic life like me. I have now suicidal thoughts for a decade and there is barely any hope left.

I just miss the times when I had not such a pressure.(tbh my life always was shit) The pressure is enormous. It is really extreme. I pressure me to find a way to avoid my suicide. It is just impossible. Still I pressure me. A LOT. I cannot stand this pressure. I think there is something really wrong with my brain. Something is wrong calibrated. My thoughts are sometimes extremely fast. When I am severly depressed/ or during a mixed episodes this is really torture.

 

[Rational man]

Are you over 18 Years ?.

i spent Years trying to ' fit in' and whilst so doing, I wasnt being me. I eventuality found me but it took time. I look back with gratitude in being different, independent, etc. you know theres loads of pretence with many people. Behind smiling faces is a sad story that oftentimes, remains untold. So be kind to YOU.

 

[noname223]

Are you over 18 Years ?.

i spent Years trying to ' fit in' and whilst so doing, I wasnt being me. I eventuality found me but it took time. I look back with gratitude in being different, independent, etc. you know theres loads of pretence with many people. Behind smiling faces is a sad story that oftentimes, remains untold. So be kind to YOU.

Yes I am over 18. I am in my mid-twenties. (You know on this website there are no minors allowed. So this question is kind of weird. But my answer is honest.) I am older than most of the other freshmen. This also feels sometimes kind of weird.
With my friends I can be me. (That is often daily talk about suffering and suicide. But they are used to it and still like me.
Now at college I am in new groups, meeting new people. I opened up to one person that I have a mental illness. He reacted very friendly and supportive. HE is extremely engaged in college. There he is my closest contact.
I often think about what will be my last word to him when I say goodbye. (I knew it from the start I cannot study without becoming ill. My therapists just wanted me to do it.) I often had to say goodbye to colleagues. At work, during traineeship and first time in college. It hurts every time. But I get used to it. The first time hurt the most. It was really painful. I sometimes imagine to be fully honest and say I am chronic suicidal. (Just because I think it should not be stigmatized. But this would backfire a lot. I won't do that.
They just will forget me. LIke all the other times I said goodbye. I am ambivalent about that. I like the notion to be forgotten. On the other side it is cynical that society does not give a fuck about cases like me.

 

[Rational man]

Yes I am over 18. I am in my mid-twenties. (You know on this website there are no minors allowed. So this question is kind of weird. But my answer is honest.) I am older than most of the other freshmen. This also feels sometimes kind of weird.
With my friends I can be me. (That is often daily talk about suffering and suicide. But they are used to it and still like me.
Now at college I am in new groups, meeting new people. I opened up to one person that I have a mental illness. He reacted very friendly and supportive. HE is extremely engaged in college. There he is my closest contact.
I often think about what will be my last word to him when I say goodbye. (I knew it from the start I cannot study without becoming ill. My therapists just wanted me to do it.) I often had to say goodbye to colleagues. At work, during traineeship and first time in college. It hurts every time. But I get used to it. The first time hurt the most. It was really painful. I sometimes imagine to be fully honest and say I am chronic suicidal. (Just because I think it should not be stigmatized. But this would backfire a lot. I won't do that.
They just will forget me. LIke all the other times I said goodbye. I am ambivalent about that. I like the notion to be forgotten. On the other side it is cynical that society does not give a fuck about cases like me.

Take care. Theres many good souls in this group, so welcome❤

 

[FuneralCry]

It is painful to be in a hopeless situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine that it must be awful to be under so much pressure, we are all human and there is only so much we can take after all. Life is just so unfair, many of us are disadvantaged through no fault of our own. That is why I see it as better to never be born in the first place. I wish you the best.

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

I understand you and I wish you strength to continue. I'm weak and dropped out of my college after 8 months of dealing with the pressure of studying while thinking about suicide every second. Seeing everyone have fun and studying while I faced it all alone is hard.