Story Peace with death

[Nottoohotlatte]

As a warm cigarette touched my cold; dying lips smoke filled my lungs and granted me temporary relief of oxygen that I wish I could have removed for good.
I stopped and thought about every decision I've ever made to reach that exact moment.

No simple decision ever made, no impulsive option ever explored. That is what my world exists of.

Endless reflection.

Hour after hour until my brain has shut down and can no longer tick.

I find myself up for days, unable to press pause on my mental anguish, am I broken? Most likely not. Just battle-scarred.
The battle of finding the will to live has taken its toll. I can no longer deny it.

I am not looking for support. Nor am I looking for a reaction. I am looking for the proper collection of reasons to give me drive. To remove my head from the deep gutters that drown me while the sun is out but my personal hurricane strives to wash me down; At least it has a purpose.

I am at peace with death, But I am not at peace with myself. My compilation of regrets that I have created for myself eats at me. I'm aware I am not alone in that thought.
But in my head I am. No one can remove the guilt someone feels except for the person that feels it.

Guilt is a permanent resident, it teasingly beats on my heart but not hard enough to put me out of my misery. It reminds me of one of the very first skills I recall developing, Counting.

1; The only person I've ever been able to count on. Me
2; The number of parents that must wake up knowing their son is dead
3; The number of siblings that will continue living, wondering "Could I have talked him out of it?"
4; The average amount of days of the week I go without sleep
5; The number of hours I can sleep consistently that grant me immunity from my conscience until my brain snaps me back to its agenda

Why can't it be as simple as numbers? Why can't I be selfish like usual? Why can't my guilt for things I haven't done yet subside?

 

[TAW122]

One thing I could say to your (rhetorical?) questions is that a big part of the SI as well as social programming. When you were born (as many others are), you were indoctrinated by society one way or another, it's impossible to fully avoid that entirely (unless you grew up in the wild from birth). So as a result, a lot of the values and standards stem from a civilized collective society.

 

[Nottoohotlatte]

(rhetorical?)

Nothing is ever truly rhetorical with me if I am being honest with myself.
Your answer creates perplexity and thought and I thoroughly appreciate the effort you put into responding.

values and standards stem from a civilized collective society

IMO.
The standard of guilt is no doubt rooted in our culture but not in those that should feel guilty for their malicious actions. It's the 'anxiety-ridden'. The ones who can't help but want others to be treated fairly because they know so well what is like to not be. The ones who made a simple mistake based on their own innocent desire to protect themselves.
'Value's' are something I wish some societies held more of. maybe if we valued the human language and our physical actions a little more, so many humans wouldn't be swallowed by anger.