Venting pathetic vent again

[sharpiemarker]

Life is so pathetic I can't belive I am still here. I even felt a little better today but I think it was just relief from cutting myself, but I belived in it anyway. I wish I was dead already. Nothing will ever change and there is no happy ending for people like me. Only suffering parted with very small or insignificant moments of pleasure. The bad will always outweight the good no matter what I will do and my attempts at making life better are very pathetic and offer little to no result. Meds don't help me, hospital won't, Im starting to think theraphy is not for people like me either. It was my last hope really. Nothing will change the miserable reality, except for death. I turn to silly comforts like games, this forum, daydreaming or movies, but at the end of the day I will always snap out of these and realize how bad everything is. It;s pathetic, really. It makes me even more sad, you can't live forever on games or on internet, you can't run from it forever. Life will always catch up and punish you for feeling good. Or for thinking you are able to feel good or even punish you just for being alive. Some shit to alive for will always appear like birthdays or holidays, but does it really make it up to anybody? I want to rip my fucking head off or skin myself alive and die.
I can't talk about this with anyone. I can already hear how I am ungrateful or some shit. I'm tired of people acting like everything is my fault and I am some misbehaving brat. People don't know how it is to be beat down year after year all your life and they think just because you have one nice thing going on for you, it makes up for everything. They don't want to face that I am right for wanting to CTB and it is a very good decision for someone like me and it is very valid. Too bad I don't seem to have balls for that