Konjac
Specialist
- Oct 25, 2020
- 302
every one of my real attempts is fucked up somehow to the point i am almost convinced i am immortal because how the fuck am i alive- i am not meant to be. passively offing myself through either starvation (bmi 13s so my body hates me lately) , electrolyte imbalances, a heart attack from overexertion, overdose, whatever as long as i'm exercising my free will and attempting to have a somewhat good time. would like to just entirely fucking let go, it's all quite meaningless to me and i struggle to see much point in continuing to care about staying alive. been making a lot of art so i can say my life wasn't entirely insignificant but it doesn't change much and is just a distraction/way to dump all my misery onto a bit of paper rather than my body. as i feel too guilt tripped by family to actually kill myself right now, although my recent painkiller prescription is very tempting i'm yet to pick them up and know they're very unpleasant to OD on. anything to just not feel like this, too fucked in the head from the psychosis, general mind fuckery that's been going on with me lately, stress, lack of direction or way of achieving much in life as much as i'd love to. everywhere hears about my mental health history and is scared off, or offput by whatever it is about me that makes me an outcast. apparently i always look miserable or unsociable which i can't really control, just how i appear despite actually liking to socialise. i just struggle with it therefore have few friends who understand and struggle themselves. unfortunately my friends aren't the ones running interviews or admissions offices so to anyone who doesn't know me well, i seem kind of useless and riddled with anxiety. wish i could have a life, achieve things, help people and myself. the amount of things stopping me from doing that feels overwhelming and i don't think anyone around me understands the despair i feel at my wasted potential, at my circumstances, my past traumas, how it all torments me every waking moment. if only euthanasia was legal here, i would've been gone years ago.
