sincerelysad
bpd . chronic pain . ptsd . pls be kind <3
- Jan 4, 2023
- 158
hope this isn't too long.. i was trying to tag this as vent but i don't know how? im sorry
i've been thinking a lot today about my passive suicidal ideation and for about how long it's been going on. i can't put my finger on where it all started, i remember being very young and thinking that everything would feel better if i found a way to die. naive at this age, i remember walking out in front of cars driving down my suburban street hoping one would hit me. none of them ever did, and none of them ever stopped either.
this got me thinking about my inpatient stays, all the times i voluntarily admitted myself because i was so exhausted with always thinking about killing myself. my admissions were never driven by crisis, except for maybe my first. they were usually driven by exhaustion and the desperate desire to get the feelings to stop. no matter what i've tried or how many times i've gone, no matter the medications, the circumstance, the therapy type, they never go away. they're usually passive thoughts, sometimes driven by nihilism but other times it just feels natural to feel this way. maybe because i've felt like this for so long?
i do have bpd and experience emotional crisis, i do self harm, but i don't know. i haven't attempted suicide because of emotional crisis in such a long time, suicide just feels like some really distant and desperate dream at this point.
i feel like maybe they'd go away if i had a way to ctb on hand. locked in a lockbox or something, but the promise of a way out if i ever truly decided to. lately a lot of the anxiety and desperation has been coming from not having a foolproof way of dying and feeling very very stuck in the situation im in.
i am so confused.
i've been thinking a lot today about my passive suicidal ideation and for about how long it's been going on. i can't put my finger on where it all started, i remember being very young and thinking that everything would feel better if i found a way to die. naive at this age, i remember walking out in front of cars driving down my suburban street hoping one would hit me. none of them ever did, and none of them ever stopped either.
this got me thinking about my inpatient stays, all the times i voluntarily admitted myself because i was so exhausted with always thinking about killing myself. my admissions were never driven by crisis, except for maybe my first. they were usually driven by exhaustion and the desperate desire to get the feelings to stop. no matter what i've tried or how many times i've gone, no matter the medications, the circumstance, the therapy type, they never go away. they're usually passive thoughts, sometimes driven by nihilism but other times it just feels natural to feel this way. maybe because i've felt like this for so long?
i do have bpd and experience emotional crisis, i do self harm, but i don't know. i haven't attempted suicide because of emotional crisis in such a long time, suicide just feels like some really distant and desperate dream at this point.
i feel like maybe they'd go away if i had a way to ctb on hand. locked in a lockbox or something, but the promise of a way out if i ever truly decided to. lately a lot of the anxiety and desperation has been coming from not having a foolproof way of dying and feeling very very stuck in the situation im in.
i am so confused.
