passive and active suicidality.

[manicstreetbeeper]

i'm going to put a warning anyway for self harm even though it's an open site for this stuff

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i'm set on hanging myself this summer, my plan is to perfect a knot to my best ability and take a Lyft sometime in June to a fairly nearby park late at night. i wanted to do it last summer but i've never since childhood felt this bad or had a period of my life be so shitty.

i'm less afraid of it now because i had two failed ODs in the past two months (750mg and 1400mg, failed because it was on lousy antidepressants and i just don't want to risk another shitty demeaning ER and psych stay).

additionally, about a week ago i was cutting my arm and accidentally went too deep; although i hated how they flat called me crazy and selfish (when i was running around trying to clean and hide all of the blood before i called for rescue or before anyone could find any evidence), i think now that i saw the wound and all of the blood, i'm not quite as frightened of dangerous situations as i used to be if it means a permanent outcome.

in a few days when i have the funds i'm going to purchase some pills i found with good reviews off of the internet; for weight management/disordered reasons, but out of small hope too that they'll kill me before summer sets in further (which, they very well could; i'm pretty sure it's how Karen Carpenter died too). they make you vomit until the medication leaves your system and could result in sudden heart failure upon any usage.

point of making this is wondering if anyone else is both actively and passively suicidal, at the same time. i feel like they're sometimes viewed separately, but i don't care if it happens before the set month, as long as it does.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi
first of all so sorry you went through all that and that you are even suicidal, I relate, but it's not great to live like that. Usually actively suicidal people are also passively suicidal. It depends on the case, but from what I've heard from people here they just want an out, if suddenly something were to kill them that almost feels like an excuse, a valid justification for death that might seem better than suicide. A lot less hassle and marginally better for loved ones. Still neither is great.

Having had past attempts is one of the factors most correlated to future suicide attempts. Seems obvious, but I don't think thats just because "the person is suicidal", but cos of what you said that you become desensitized to death. With you arm cutting incident (which sounds awful sorry again) you have sort of... seen it. So the fear lessens. And that can be a bit dangerous. Sure if you just intend to commit suicide having less fear while it might be preferable, more peaceful... but still you know what I mean, it becomes a lot more alluring and hard to survive without that thought.

Karen Carpenter, whose music and story I love a lot personally too, did die of a multitude of reasons, her body was shit at that point but yes it was partially related to what you are saying. It is not a good way out, or pleasant. From what I said earlier i get why you get that urge, or wouldn't mind. I wouldn't abuse them regardless. Death one can be ok with, a painful one not so much.

bit of a long reply but still. Don't know your personal situation, I'd hope it would get better, or at least that these days do or get just any bit easier to go through. If you wanna vent or chat I'm around and people here too. Take it easy whenever you can, lots of hugs <3

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

Hi
first of all so sorry you went through all that and that you are even suicidal, I relate, but it's not great to live like that. Usually actively suicidal people are also passively suicidal. It depends on the case, but from what I've heard from people here they just want an out, if suddenly something were to kill them that almost feels like an excuse, a valid justification for death that might seem better than suicide. A lot less hassle and marginally better for loved ones. Still neither is great.

Having had past attempts is one of the factors most correlated to future suicide attempts. Seems obvious, but I don't think thats just because "the person is suicidal", but cos of what you said that you become desensitized to death. With you arm cutting incident (which sounds awful sorry again) you have sort of... seen it. So the fear lessens. And that can be a bit dangerous. Sure if you just intend to commit suicide having less fear while it might be preferable, more peaceful... but still you know what I mean, it becomes a lot more alluring and hard to survive without that thought.

Karen Carpenter, whose music and story I love a lot personally too, did die of a multitude of reasons, her body was shit at that point but yes it was partially related to what you are saying. It is not a good way out, or pleasant. From what I said earlier i get why you get that urge, or wouldn't mind. I wouldn't abuse them regardless. Death one can be ok with, a painful one not so much.

bit of a long reply but still. Don't know your personal situation, I'd hope it would get better, or at least that these days do or get just any bit easier to go through. If you wanna vent or chat I'm around and people here too. Take it easy whenever you can, lots of hugs <3

thank you, this a very thoughtful reply.

i was a little vague re: Karen, i'm more familiar with most of her musical connections ironically through Sonic Youth (Tunic, ex.), i just want to make sure i don't come off as disrespectful. i think she definitely did not intend for them to end her life, but of course i think there's knowledge we have now that wasn't available then, for many people with EDs (i have one myself) it's for better or worse i suppose.

i'm also always available to chat if you need someone! not here as often as i used to be (sometimes i forget that this place exists, though not for any negative reason). your insight is very appreciated.