Hello, im not entirely sure what to expect from writing this, but here we are. My mental health had been declining overtime rapidly, my partner has always supported me through this during our time together. 2 weeks ago, when the kids were around, we started talking and I honestly don't remember what went wrong but we ended up yelling at each other, I remember my mind going blank and just firing off purely based on emotion. It scared the kids, it scared her, and she said we need to take a break to address the issues so it can never happen again in front of the kids.
I painfully agreed, I didn't want to seperate as our relationship had been absolutely flawless we had maybe 3 or 4 mild disagreements over a 3 year period; arguing just wasn't our nature we were ALWAYS happy. She had come to see me a week later to catch up and check on progress etc, it was wonderful, it felt like things were getting back to normal. We continued talking, she said she loves me more than anything, that the kids needed me that I was their safe space. She told me she had high hopes we will get back on track, and she planned to see me Thursday the following week.
Thursday came around, she was anxious, tense and seemed hostile, I was still feeling emotionally raw so seeing and hearing her like this after we saw eachother the week prior cut me deep. I asked what was wrong, she snapped at me, saying the line was being blurred between us being together and being separated, and that she thinks we need more time apart than we realized… I tearfully agreed, holding onto hope that she still wants to make things work. She told me my actions had consequences, and that it was hard for her too.
She dropped me home from work, I tried to have a discussion about her feelings and if there was anything I could do to help, she was upset I just wanted to be there for her but she said she just wanted to go home and deal with it herself. I tried to get her to stay and talk, but she pushed past and went to the car…. I panicked, my mind went into survival mode out of desperation I lay down under her car and said run me over. An embarrassing, childish immature response, but one that came from extreme emotional distress not malice, or intentional abuse. It obviously shocked her, once I had regained control I moved and she left.
She called me later that night, telling me she still has hope things will work out as our connection was special and that we're made for eachother, she said because of tonight we'd have to take a step further back, talk less and give eachother room to heal. She told me she'd still make an effort to call every night as we had done for the last 3 years it was a sort of special thing for us, said she couldn't possibly cut off contact.
I wake up, there's a text on my phone:
"Hey, I've been doing a lot of thinking, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I want to say this with kindness, but also with clarity: all of this has taken a real toll on my mental and emotional health, and I need to protect my peace.
I do care about you and hope you get the help and support you need, especially if you're feeling low. Please continue speaking to your counsellor.
This will be my last message. I won't be responding to anything further, and I'll be blocking this number and any other ways of contact.
I truly wish you well, but I have to step away now—for my own wellbeing."
I was devastated… just after being told that exact thing wouldn't happen? Where did it come from what could have possibly changed? I don't get to say goodbye to the kids, hardly a goodbye to her, no closure no explanation as to what had changed, just gone. The hope I had been holding onto so tightly just vanished. It makes me wonder, does she care about me? Does she realize how this will make me feel? How do we go from best friends to enemies overnight? So many unanswered questions and now, she's left me alone.
I did nothing to hurt her or anyone intentionally, it was simply an emotional reaction I had not learned to control yet, I'm not a monster, or someone who thinks it's okay to yell around children. I never thought she would leave my side my entire life was intertwined with hers. I dont have a family, my dad was adopted and my step mum has no immediate relatives in the country. It's just me, my sister and them. Then I became a part of her family, seeing what it was like to have family dinners, family events, Christmas, birthdays and all sorts. I took on her two children as my own from age 2 and 4 (now 5 and 6) we had our own little family. Now it feels like everything is gone, a massive hole in my stomach I can't get rid of.
The pain is something I never could have imagined, I can't stop shaking, sweating, I feel nauseous I feel discarded I feel like a piece of shit, I feel so guilty and so powerless.
So, what's next?
I've had bouts of suicidal thoughts before but have never gone ahead because of the kids and her, now I have nothing left, quite literally nothing I have no friends she was my BEST friend we didn't absolutely everything together, I have no support network or family to go to like she does. Everything in the house is a constant reminder of her, like it's taunting me.
I have no desire to get help anymore, I don't see the point I've been left a shell of my former self, I just want it to be over. I've thought about it a lot, perhaps hanging? I've fashioned a noose from a thick nylon rope.
I think in someway, I hope when she does find out, it hurts. I'm not sure why, maybe because I can't contact her at all, maybe I just want to know she feels anything at all for me anymore, not that I'd ever know.
Any advice? Any words at all? I guess I need some confirmation or something…. Anything.
I painfully agreed, I didn't want to seperate as our relationship had been absolutely flawless we had maybe 3 or 4 mild disagreements over a 3 year period; arguing just wasn't our nature we were ALWAYS happy. She had come to see me a week later to catch up and check on progress etc, it was wonderful, it felt like things were getting back to normal. We continued talking, she said she loves me more than anything, that the kids needed me that I was their safe space. She told me she had high hopes we will get back on track, and she planned to see me Thursday the following week.
Thursday came around, she was anxious, tense and seemed hostile, I was still feeling emotionally raw so seeing and hearing her like this after we saw eachother the week prior cut me deep. I asked what was wrong, she snapped at me, saying the line was being blurred between us being together and being separated, and that she thinks we need more time apart than we realized… I tearfully agreed, holding onto hope that she still wants to make things work. She told me my actions had consequences, and that it was hard for her too.
She dropped me home from work, I tried to have a discussion about her feelings and if there was anything I could do to help, she was upset I just wanted to be there for her but she said she just wanted to go home and deal with it herself. I tried to get her to stay and talk, but she pushed past and went to the car…. I panicked, my mind went into survival mode out of desperation I lay down under her car and said run me over. An embarrassing, childish immature response, but one that came from extreme emotional distress not malice, or intentional abuse. It obviously shocked her, once I had regained control I moved and she left.
She called me later that night, telling me she still has hope things will work out as our connection was special and that we're made for eachother, she said because of tonight we'd have to take a step further back, talk less and give eachother room to heal. She told me she'd still make an effort to call every night as we had done for the last 3 years it was a sort of special thing for us, said she couldn't possibly cut off contact.
I wake up, there's a text on my phone:
"Hey, I've been doing a lot of thinking, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I want to say this with kindness, but also with clarity: all of this has taken a real toll on my mental and emotional health, and I need to protect my peace.
I do care about you and hope you get the help and support you need, especially if you're feeling low. Please continue speaking to your counsellor.
This will be my last message. I won't be responding to anything further, and I'll be blocking this number and any other ways of contact.
I truly wish you well, but I have to step away now—for my own wellbeing."
I was devastated… just after being told that exact thing wouldn't happen? Where did it come from what could have possibly changed? I don't get to say goodbye to the kids, hardly a goodbye to her, no closure no explanation as to what had changed, just gone. The hope I had been holding onto so tightly just vanished. It makes me wonder, does she care about me? Does she realize how this will make me feel? How do we go from best friends to enemies overnight? So many unanswered questions and now, she's left me alone.
I did nothing to hurt her or anyone intentionally, it was simply an emotional reaction I had not learned to control yet, I'm not a monster, or someone who thinks it's okay to yell around children. I never thought she would leave my side my entire life was intertwined with hers. I dont have a family, my dad was adopted and my step mum has no immediate relatives in the country. It's just me, my sister and them. Then I became a part of her family, seeing what it was like to have family dinners, family events, Christmas, birthdays and all sorts. I took on her two children as my own from age 2 and 4 (now 5 and 6) we had our own little family. Now it feels like everything is gone, a massive hole in my stomach I can't get rid of.
The pain is something I never could have imagined, I can't stop shaking, sweating, I feel nauseous I feel discarded I feel like a piece of shit, I feel so guilty and so powerless.
So, what's next?
I've had bouts of suicidal thoughts before but have never gone ahead because of the kids and her, now I have nothing left, quite literally nothing I have no friends she was my BEST friend we didn't absolutely everything together, I have no support network or family to go to like she does. Everything in the house is a constant reminder of her, like it's taunting me.
I have no desire to get help anymore, I don't see the point I've been left a shell of my former self, I just want it to be over. I've thought about it a lot, perhaps hanging? I've fashioned a noose from a thick nylon rope.
I think in someway, I hope when she does find out, it hurts. I'm not sure why, maybe because I can't contact her at all, maybe I just want to know she feels anything at all for me anymore, not that I'd ever know.
Any advice? Any words at all? I guess I need some confirmation or something…. Anything.
I got a call from my sister about 30min after our last response last night. I told her how I was feeling, and what I did to prepare myself for what was coming. She was extremely calm actually, didn't panick just kept trying to help me through the wave, listened to all I was worried about…. If I'm honest, it doesn't make me feel any LESS suicidal, but she told me to get some rest and breathed with me . If she hadn't have called, I'm really not sure if I'd be responding. She told me she will arrange someone to come with a key and take anything away that would cause me harm so I've hidden it away for now. Woke up, gotten to work. See how we go 
trying to bury myself in my job.
for example I'm always eternally patient with them they NEVER push my buttons like they do with her at times. I could always step in and take the load off her. I worry about them… 
