Concorde
𝚛𝚖 -𝚛𝚏 $𝚄𝚂𝙴𝚁
- Nov 19, 2025
- 118
We're not even super tight and I was raised by my father and stepmom. But mother's also in the picture two states over.
During Christmas calls with the dad and stepmom, they were like "it must be so lonesome to be alone on Christmas". I'm sure I didn't admit that it's like all I ever wanted. No. I guess I'm trying to build my case so that they'll hear me if I announce to them that I had a good life but I gotta gtfo.
And they want me out there next year. And I just about choked and sputtered. Like, more than I have ever wanted anything, I want to never, ever experience Christmas fucking 2026. The world's taken so much of me. I have too much dignity/self-preservation to punish myself like that.
And my mother told me a story about how she happened to be at the hospital when someone my age passed away from alcohol abuse complications. She mentioned how grateful she was that my drinking and drugging days are over and how she will never have to pull my plug or admit to the doctor that withholding life support is the next right action. But the guy who died? She said that his parents will live with the shame of having lost a child. I kinda overreacted, "Shame?! Are you kidding?" But then backed off because I can't change the way she'll feel about his parents and I can barely impact the way she'll feel about me. In fact, that's a hallmark of our relationship.
On the one hand, I don't think I can handle being here and I don't think I have it in me to go, at least not today, without some goodbyes.
On the other hand, these goodbyes themselves are going to fucking kill me and I imagine I can make it through something like the five most important ones—and maybe another who won't argue/convince—before I say I tried hard enough. Plus lived over 80% of my life understanding I don't belong here and that suicide is the answer. Please just let me go, world. I can't wait for nature to decide. Fuck. Can you imagine if it's this fucking intolerable now, then I lose my hair, head, and relative health? What kinda horror movie is this? Gimme a fucking break.
During Christmas calls with the dad and stepmom, they were like "it must be so lonesome to be alone on Christmas". I'm sure I didn't admit that it's like all I ever wanted. No. I guess I'm trying to build my case so that they'll hear me if I announce to them that I had a good life but I gotta gtfo.
And they want me out there next year. And I just about choked and sputtered. Like, more than I have ever wanted anything, I want to never, ever experience Christmas fucking 2026. The world's taken so much of me. I have too much dignity/self-preservation to punish myself like that.
And my mother told me a story about how she happened to be at the hospital when someone my age passed away from alcohol abuse complications. She mentioned how grateful she was that my drinking and drugging days are over and how she will never have to pull my plug or admit to the doctor that withholding life support is the next right action. But the guy who died? She said that his parents will live with the shame of having lost a child. I kinda overreacted, "Shame?! Are you kidding?" But then backed off because I can't change the way she'll feel about his parents and I can barely impact the way she'll feel about me. In fact, that's a hallmark of our relationship.
On the one hand, I don't think I can handle being here and I don't think I have it in me to go, at least not today, without some goodbyes.
On the other hand, these goodbyes themselves are going to fucking kill me and I imagine I can make it through something like the five most important ones—and maybe another who won't argue/convince—before I say I tried hard enough. Plus lived over 80% of my life understanding I don't belong here and that suicide is the answer. Please just let me go, world. I can't wait for nature to decide. Fuck. Can you imagine if it's this fucking intolerable now, then I lose my hair, head, and relative health? What kinda horror movie is this? Gimme a fucking break.
