parents suicide

[Sinkinshyp]

Loosing my son is the reason I want to die, I just exist without him.

if you ever want to talk pm me. I am the same way without my son. I exist because my heart beats and my lungs breathe beyond that there is no sort of life. It's just an existence. I'm so sorry you also lost your son.

 

[justsad&done]

My son was 25. He was going to work I said have a good day buddy I love you and out the door he went. He had a fatal car accident on his way to work he came home 2 weeks later in a cardboard box of ashes. I raised him alone since I was 20. His father didn't want him. We were VERY close. He was my son, my caregiver, my hero, the man of the house and my best friend... I had full respiratory failure in 2013 due to emphysema and cold germs. I wasn't supposed to survive and docs put my son at 21 in charge of decisions. I recovered from the respiratory failure because my son took such good care of me. Hence, he still lived at home at 25. He was there for when my lungs went bad.

I have a younger son who will be 20 in January. My older son would be 28 now. Parents love ALL their children equally but differently. You might be more responsible than your sibling so they don't have to check with you as much. They love you BOTH the same. I broke when my older son died. Badly, my younger son had to watch me for a year and a half basket case, pilled out so I wasn't in hysterics, or hysterically screaming I want my son, I want to die... in my state of being totally obliterated my younger son turned 18 a yr and a half after his brother died and ran to my ex in laws. I know for his mental health it was the smartest move he ever made. I am still on this earth ONLY for him.

My younger son reached out end of sept early oct cant remember now. I was going to ctb Oct 13th the day my older son went he did NOT know this. But he said he wanted to work on our relationship, he wanted me to come stay at my ex in laws with him (ex in laws want me there too), he wants me to teach him to drive.. well he was calling and texting and playing a video game with me talking on discord. After we got past the 13th he began backing off. It's been 3-4 weeks or so now that the progress I thought we were making stopped. I talked to him the other day. He said he loves me but he will never see me as the same mom again. I caused to much trauma in my break down. I now know he only reached out around that time to be there to get me past that day. Knowing now, I will never be able to try to fix my relationship with my baby boy I have nothing left to live for... I learned the other day when my younger son lost his big brother that day he also lost his mom. I think my texting and calling brings reminders to him of me begging him to let me kill myself. I think mentally for him I died that same day. I love him just as much as my older son. I was a single mom to both boys but my younger sons dad and my ex in laws were a big part of his life where as all my older son had was me.

feel free to ask away I will be honest and I guess it helps me to get it out

My heart just goes out to you on so many levels. I am so sorry for the loss of your older son. And for what it has done to your relationship with your younger son.
I too, struggle with my relationship with my younger child because of tremendous loss and the way it has affected me and my life. And have dealt with serious health issues which my older child helped me try to get through.
I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

[Flump]

Thank you so much I'm so sorry you are going through this pain too!

 

[akuyya]

I ask the same thing that OP is asking, everyday in my head. Thanks for sharing your stories, they really do shed a light on the truth of what some families will go through. Thank you.

This leaves me with some weird questions though. Like what am i supposed to do with this information? Loving my parents, i could never do this to them, but i do not want to be alive, so this is just a stalemate :/

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I ask the same thing that OP is asking, everyday in my head. Thanks for sharing your stories, they really do shed a light on the truth of what some families will go through. Thank you.

This leaves me with some weird questions though. Like what am i supposed to do with this information? Loving my parents, i could never do this to them, but i do not want to be alive, so this is just a stalemate :/

I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone. It's just such a painful existence not even the most evil people deserve to experience it. I am calmly honest about what it's like. If I put the full blown horror people wouldnever begin to understand. You love your parents, do they love you? I'm assuming yes. Is it possible you could try some therapy to see if it would change your views on being here or going?

My heart just goes out to you on so many levels. I am so sorry for the loss of your older son. And for what it has done to your relationship with your younger son.
I too, struggle with my relationship with my younger child because of tremendous loss and the way it has affected me and my life. And have dealt with serious health issues which my older child helped me try to get through.
I'm so sorry for your pain.

thank you. My life was my kids. I was a single mom so I didn't do school because my son/s needed a mom home to cook dinner, tuck them in bed watch a movie. So I worked and made sure to be home for them when they got home from school.I didn't want to take valuable time they deserved by being to strung out working, school profession. My job in this life was mom. I'm sorry for the loss that has caused issues for you and your younger child. If you ever want to talk feel free to pm me. I'm also sorry for your pain

 

[akuyya]

I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone. It's just such a painful existence not even the most evil people deserve to experience it. I am calmly honest about what it's like. If I put the full blown horror people wouldnever begin to understand. You love your parents, do they love you? I'm assuming yes. Is it possible you could try some therapy to see if it would change your views on being here or going?

I'm very sorry to hear that. It definitely does sound like something i could never feel unless i experience it.
They do love me, that is the problem. They are all very supportive, and always happy about everything. I've tried therapy for years, more than 10 years with SSRI's, working 9-5, studying. I've tried everything. I am unfixable and i do not want to be fixed, i just want this to be over.

 

[Breadbfra]

I honestly think once a parent (a good one) loses his child, his life won't and can't be the same.
I spoke with multiple parent suicide survivors, they aren't living...they're surviving. Altough we should respect every kid's decision, parents will suffer.
Un uomo sulla cinquantina si è sparato dopo il suicidio del figlio unico in Trentino. Due mesi fa

 

[justsad&done]

I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone. It's just such a painful existence not even the most evil people deserve to experience it. I am calmly honest about what it's like. If I put the full blown horror people wouldnever begin to understand. You love your parents, do they love you? I'm assuming yes. Is it possible you could try some therapy to see if it would change your views on being here or going?

thank you. My life was my kids. I was a single mom so I didn't do school because my son/s needed a mom home to cook dinner, tuck them in bed watch a movie. So I worked and made sure to be home for them when they got home from school.I didn't want to take valuable time they deserved by being to strung out working, school profession. My job in this life was mom. I'm sorry for the loss that has caused issues for you and your younger child. If you ever want to talk feel free to pm me. I'm also sorry for your pain

I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone. It's just such a painful existence not even the most evil people deserve to experience it. I am calmly honest about what it's like. If I put the full blown horror people wouldnever begin to understand. You love your parents, do they love you? I'm assuming yes. Is it possible you could try some therapy to see if it would change your views on being here or going?

thank you. My life was my kids. I was a single mom so I didn't do school because my son/s needed a mom home to cook dinner, tuck them in bed watch a movie. So I worked and made sure to be home for them when they got home from school.I didn't want to take valuable time they deserved by being to strung out working, school profession. My job in this life was mom. I'm sorry for the loss that has caused issues for you and your younger child. If you ever want to talk feel free to pm me. I'm also sorry for your pain

Yes, I can relate. So much. I have done the same. Total commitment to their happiness and well-being, sparing nothing. And then when things come crashing down, the feelings of guilt, grief, sadness, and emptiness are completely overwhelming.
Thank you. I'll pm you

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Loss of a child will devastate the parent. I know someone who lost a child and they were even in the active stages of coping many many years later. Other users here report trying to delay CTB until parents pass but i think in this era of extended longevity this is so difficult

 

[Lost1804]

I lost my daughter to suicide almost 3 yrs ago.
We were close. What we go through can never be put into words, there aren't any that can describe it.
Loosing a child, at any age, is the worst loss any parent has to cope with, if they can. Loosing a child to suicide is even worse.
We don't get over it, pick up the pieces or move on. There isn't an initial "shock" as some think, then it gets better. It doesn't get better, it gets different but definitely not better. It with us everyday and night. We all go through various stages of shock, disbelief, numbness, anger, exhaustion, for some eventually acceptance, but not all. For many of us life is just an existence. We live somewhere between here and there, where we want to be. There are several parents on here who've lost a child. I still want to sit and scream. The pain is so deep it never goes away.
I've spoken to many many parents of suicide children and the stories are harrowing. Including parents who've lost 2 children to suicide because the second one couldn't cope with the loss of a sibling like that, specially where they thought they were close to their brother or sister. Guilt eats everyone out.
For most of us, the loss becomes worse as time goes on. The whole world moves on, while we remain stuck in a time warp, we still live that horrendous day when we died too... so vividly, it was yesterday.
I don't know about parents who hy other means, but with suici

Sorry... continued....
I don't know about parents who lose a child by other means (for want of a better word) but with suicide the effect can cause families to break up, "friends" disappear, nobody knows what to say so they avoid the subject. Nobody says their name anymore, like our child never existed. Our inquest took 2 yrs to come about, I had to leave in tears after 1 hour, because hearing her name spoken so often really hurt, when nobody else mentions her anymore.
I'm here because I'm joining her when I've sorted stuff out. I have my method sorted thanks to SS. I'm old and I don't care anymore.
Being completely empty is a very heavy load to carry each day.
I died that day, they should have buried me as well...
Many parents do suicide. There are statistics. I found some but can't locate them now... I'll keep looking.

 

[deadwithoutmusic]

My son was 25. He was going to work I said have a good day buddy I love you and out the door he went. He had a fatal car accident on his way to work he came home 2 weeks later in a cardboard box of ashes. I raised him alone since I was 20. His father didn't want him. We were VERY close. He was my son, my caregiver, my hero, the man of the house and my best friend... I had full respiratory failure in 2013 due to emphysema and cold germs. I wasn't supposed to survive and docs put my son at 21 in charge of decisions. I recovered from the respiratory failure because my son took such good care of me. Hence, he still lived at home at 25. He was there for when my lungs went bad.

I have a younger son who will be 20 in January. My older son would be 28 now. Parents love ALL their children equally but differently. You might be more responsible than your sibling so they don't have to check with you as much. They love you BOTH the same. I broke when my older son died. Badly, my younger son had to watch me for a year and a half basket case, pilled out so I wasn't in hysterics, or hysterically screaming I want my son, I want to die... in my state of being totally obliterated my younger son turned 18 a yr and a half after his brother died and ran to my ex in laws. I know for his mental health it was the smartest move he ever made. I am still on this earth ONLY for him.

My younger son reached out end of sept early oct cant remember now. I was going to ctb Oct 13th the day my older son went he did NOT know this. But he said he wanted to work on our relationship, he wanted me to come stay at my ex in laws with him (ex in laws want me there too), he wants me to teach him to drive.. well he was calling and texting and playing a video game with me talking on discord. After we got past the 13th he began backing off. It's been 3-4 weeks or so now that the progress I thought we were making stopped. I talked to him the other day. He said he loves me but he will never see me as the same mom again. I caused to much trauma in my break down. I now know he only reached out around that time to be there to get me past that day. Knowing now, I will never be able to try to fix my relationship with my baby boy I have nothing left to live for... I learned the other day when my younger son lost his big brother that day he also lost his mom. I think my texting and calling brings reminders to him of me begging him to let me kill myself. I think mentally for him I died that same day. I love him just as much as my older son. I was a single mom to both boys but my younger sons dad and my ex in laws were a big part of his life where as all my older son had was me.

feel free to ask away I will be honest and I guess it helps me to get it out

Thank you for sharing all that. Your son sounded like such a nice and caring person, I'm sorry for your loss.

You also sound like such a loving and caring mother which makes your feelings totally make sense. I think it's probably very difficult for someone without kids to truly understand the connection you have with your kids. I'm not close to my parents so I don't really have that connection with them but maybe they do to me.

Thank you again for sharing and I hope the best for you and your younger son.

 

[Gaybonez]

My mother did threaten to if I do it. I'm more worried it'll bring on a stroke since they are elderly.
My death is going to hurt them so bad.

I think she meant the best in case you haven't noticed. I'm sorry either way

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Sorry... continued....
I don't know about parents who lose a child by other means (for want of a better word) but with suicide the effect can cause families to break up, "friends" disappear, nobody knows what to say so they avoid the subject. Nobody says their name anymore, like our child never existed. Our inquest took 2 yrs to come about, I had to leave in tears after 1 hour, because hearing her name spoken so often really hurt, when nobody else mentions her anymore.
I'm here because I'm joining her when I've sorted stuff out. I have my method sorted thanks to SS. I'm old and I don't care anymore.
Being completely empty is a very heavy load to carry each day.
I died that day, they should have buried me as well...
Many parents do suicide. There are statistics. I found some but can't locate them now... I'll keep looking.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your daughter. My son also passed 3 years ago. He died in a car accident on his way to work. Everything you described is the same here the feelings down to the friends who ignore you, don't call, people don't mention their name. I think the only difference would be in the guilt department. I think parents who survive their childs suicide would have different guilt and more deeply rooted. I feel horribly guilty for buying him all those match box cars, race car beds, race tracks growing up he loved all that stuff. At 15 he was obsessed with cars. He was obsessed with cars when he passed it was his passion his hobby. He bought a shell of a car and built it into a car he took to car meets every friday and car shows with his car club... while the accident wasn't his fault it was a woman turned left into him she didnt stop to look for oncoming traffic- his speed was a factor as well as the aftermarket parts he had in the car. Like a steering wheel with no air bag, custom seats without a shoulder strap... so I suffer a ton of guilt why since he was 2 did I let him be so into cars.. if I had not given him all that car stuff he may be here today.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Please if you want to talk you are welcome to pm me anytime. Since theres a few of us parents here maybe we can make a thread for others who are here waiting to go join their children.

 

[Lost1804]

I am so so sorry for the loss of your daughter. My son also passed 3 years ago. He died in a car accident on his way to work. Everything you described is the same here the feelings down to the friends who ignore you, don't call, people don't mention their name. I think the only difference would be in the guilt department. I think parents who survive their childs suicide would have different guilt and more deeply rooted. I feel horribly guilty for buying him all those match box cars, race car beds, race tracks growing up he loved all that stuff. At 15 he was obsessed with cars. He was obsessed with cars when he passed it was his passion his hobby. He bought a shell of a car and built it into a car he took to car meets every friday and car shows with his car club... while the accident wasn't his fault it was a woman turned left into him she didnt stop to look for oncoming traffic- his speed was a factor as well as the aftermarket parts he had in the car. Like a steering wheel with no air bag, custom seats without a shoulder strap... so I suffer a ton of guilt why since he was 2 did I let him be so into cars.. if I had not given him all that car stuff he may be here today.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Please if you want to talk you are welcome to pm me anytime. Since theres a few of us parents here maybe we can make a thread for others who are here waiting to go join their children.

Hi, sorry for not replying sooner. Christmas is excruciatingly painful. I'm glad its over. I lock myself away, keep my head down as much as possible.

I'm so very sorry you lost your son that way. Even though it was an accident, we as parents always feel guilt. All those 'what ifs' 'I could have' 'I shouldn't have' its endless and it just eats us out.
I know many parents who've lost children to accidents, terminal illnesses, junkies accidental overdose etc and its destroyed them. I don't think many people understand the loss of our child isn't like any other deaths in our lives. I've experienced many losses, friends and family. But nothing even touches on the loss of my daughter. And the way she died. Even after almost 3 yrs the pain is still excruciating. Mentally and physically. I still want to just sit and scream. I'm not the only one. I'm in support groups, are you? Those groups are the only places mums and dads can still pour all their pain out years after losing their child. Because nobody else wants to know. 'Oh its been years, she should be over it by now!' The "it" is our child. And no, we don't get over "it".... so there are groups, thank god for the Internet. And if some people could see on these groups, the sheer hell some parents go through because their child has left them behind... they may think twice.
I'm not saying its fair to expect anyone who is seriously suffering in this life to keep on suffering for 20 yrs till your mum dies or something. But I am saying that in many cases, ending your pain only passes it on. And thats why many parents join their children.

I think it may be a good idea to start a thread for the parents on here. For each other, and perhaps for others to try understand how their loss can have such spiralling effects on those left behind.
I know its not fair to expect anyone suffering in this life to keep on another 20 yrs till mum dies, but I don't know what the answer is either..... Xxx

 

[Frauw]

I don't really care, creating a human being to fill a void in your life and rely on that person for your happiness is toxic, life is a gigantic RNG dice roll and nothing is fair.

 

[Floria]

My parents told me they would ctb after me if i do…

 

[Lost1804]

My parents told me they would ctb after me if i do…

If my daughter had told me she was going to do it then, I'd have gone with her.....
Xxx

 

[Rabitfever]

My son was 25. He was going to work I said have a good day buddy I love you and out the door he went. He had a fatal car accident on his way to work he came home 2 weeks later in a cardboard box of ashes. I raised him alone since I was 20. His father didn't want him. We were VERY close. He was my son, my caregiver, my hero, the man of the house and my best friend... I had full respiratory failure in 2013 due to emphysema and cold germs. I wasn't supposed to survive and docs put my son at 21 in charge of decisions. I recovered from the respiratory failure because my son took such good care of me. Hence, he still lived at home at 25. He was there for when my lungs went bad.

I have a younger son who will be 20 in January. My older son would be 28 now. Parents love ALL their children equally but differently. You might be more responsible than your sibling so they don't have to check with you as much. They love you BOTH the same. I broke when my older son died. Badly, my younger son had to watch me for a year and a half basket case, pilled out so I wasn't in hysterics, or hysterically screaming I want my son, I want to die... in my state of being totally obliterated my younger son turned 18 a yr and a half after his brother died and ran to my ex in laws. I know for his mental health it was the smartest move he ever made. I am still on this earth ONLY for him.

My younger son reached out end of sept early oct cant remember now. I was going to ctb Oct 13th the day my older son went he did NOT know this. But he said he wanted to work on our relationship, he wanted me to come stay at my ex in laws with him (ex in laws want me there too), he wants me to teach him to drive.. well he was calling and texting and playing a video game with me talking on discord. After we got past the 13th he began backing off. It's been 3-4 weeks or so now that the progress I thought we were making stopped. I talked to him the other day. He said he loves me but he will never see me as the same mom again. I caused to much trauma in my break down. I now know he only reached out around that time to be there to get me past that day. Knowing now, I will never be able to try to fix my relationship with my baby boy I have nothing left to live for... I learned the other day when my younger son lost his big brother that day he also lost his mom. I think my texting and calling brings reminders to him of me begging him to let me kill myself. I think mentally for him I died that same day. I love him just as much as my older son. I was a single mom to both boys but my younger sons dad and my ex in laws were a big part of his life where as all my older son had was me.

feel free to ask away I will be honest and I guess it helps me to get it out

This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever read. I'm so sorry for your loss..

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

Parents commit suicide after a child dies?

If my child died I would kill myself but idk I know multiple women who had miscarriage after miscarriage and still keep living. I guess it just depends on the person?

My son was 25. He was going to work I said have a good day buddy I love you and out the door he went. He had a fatal car accident on his way to work he came home 2 weeks later in a cardboard box of ashes. I raised him alone since I was 20. His father didn't want him. We were VERY close. He was my son, my caregiver, my hero, the man of the house and my best friend... I had full respiratory failure in 2013 due to emphysema and cold germs. I wasn't supposed to survive and docs put my son at 21 in charge of decisions. I recovered from the respiratory failure because my son took such good care of me. Hence, he still lived at home at 25. He was there for when my lungs went bad.

I have a younger son who will be 20 in January. My older son would be 28 now. Parents love ALL their children equally but differently. You might be more responsible than your sibling so they don't have to check with you as much. They love you BOTH the same. I broke when my older son died. Badly, my younger son had to watch me for a year and a half basket case, pilled out so I wasn't in hysterics, or hysterically screaming I want my son, I want to die... in my state of being totally obliterated my younger son turned 18 a yr and a half after his brother died and ran to my ex in laws. I know for his mental health it was the smartest move he ever made. I am still on this earth ONLY for him.

My younger son reached out end of sept early oct cant remember now. I was going to ctb Oct 13th the day my older son went he did NOT know this. But he said he wanted to work on our relationship, he wanted me to come stay at my ex in laws with him (ex in laws want me there too), he wants me to teach him to drive.. well he was calling and texting and playing a video game with me talking on discord. After we got past the 13th he began backing off. It's been 3-4 weeks or so now that the progress I thought we were making stopped. I talked to him the other day. He said he loves me but he will never see me as the same mom again. I caused to much trauma in my break down. I now know he only reached out around that time to be there to get me past that day. Knowing now, I will never be able to try to fix my relationship with my baby boy I have nothing left to live for... I learned the other day when my younger son lost his big brother that day he also lost his mom. I think my texting and calling brings reminders to him of me begging him to let me kill myself. I think mentally for him I died that same day. I love him just as much as my older son. I was a single mom to both boys but my younger sons dad and my ex in laws were a big part of his life where as all my older son had was me.

feel free to ask away I will be honest and I guess it helps me to get it out

You remind me of my own mother, that must have been the hardest time in your life. How do you cope with these feelings of loss and did anything specific help you? If your relationship was like me and my mother, they loved you my heart hurts for you.