fleshgarden
Student
- Mar 15, 2023
- 131
this sounds so stupid, but it's incredibly agonizing and painful as of late. I hate talking to people-not for any of the reasons as before. I hate that they have the misfortune to talk to me and experience the awful mistake of knowing me. I think this is one of the worst pains someone can experience. I cannot enjoy any time with any person like I used to. It mostly has to do with the fact I've always known people who befriend don't actually like me or value me in any way, and now it's extended to every single person. I care about my friends so much, but it hurts that no one else reciprocates this. I think this part is delusional, and maybe not true (but I can't stop thinking it anyways) but my girlfriend has been the only reason I've been living.. but now it hurts so much because I don't think she loves me, I think she thinks she loves me but only because I give her affection and that's all. I have refrained from talking to anyone except my girlfriend, but I am failing a lot. I didn't go to see my friends a few times this week at the spot we usually meet in. they didn't question me like they used to (they knew I was there, I haven't pulled shit like that before and they always asked before so clearly something changed in me.. I don't know what I did wrong. people used to adore me, years ago. now I'm worthless.)
sidenote kind of, but I'm. never usually invited to things with my friends. this weekend I've been invited to 2 events by them. I feel unbearable pain knowing that if I go, I would ruin the whole event for them. I would have no use being there. but if I didn't go, then they would be disappointed. I know they invited me out of pity, at least the first friend. he is very nice to me and only invited me because he's known me for so long and he knows I struggle and he's nice. none of his friendliness is very genuine though. the second one is from a friend I've known since childhood, but he doesn't know me recently very well so of course he wouldn't really like me if I came and he has an idealized version of me and I ruin everything by him realizing what I really am.
I know this is stupid, but this situation triggers my anxiety and cptsd so much that it's physically and mentally unbearable. I feel like I cannot handle life any longer, although I have no idea how to end it. I have a lot of nausea problems because of my intense emotions and anxiety, and this week I've been unbearably and agonizingly nauseous. I've been getting so triggered constantly, I feel like this in itself will kill me. I hated my therapy session today. we are doing a thing about telling the chapters of my life, but I got triggered just by her saying the first one is the first few years of my life.. all I can think about is those awful memories. I even got triggered this morning by a song. everyday I just feel awful feelings in one way or another. I know I logically will never escape this. it's been my whole life. I can't do it anymore. (also me telling her how I want to die so much and crying ended up in her telling me to go outside..which pissed me off and made me so angry that as soon as I got home I overdosed on some pills(not attempt). I still feel a bit sick)
I can't exist anywhere.. I cannot be around anyone and I can't be in myself but I cannot confine myself and I cannot die. all of it is some sick awful game to whatever god we. have. I feel like I'm being tortured. I cannot go to anyone. no one will ever understand. all I think about is death. all I feel is agony . I just want it all to go away.. I don't know if I want to be happy, I think I'd rather die.
sidenote kind of, but I'm. never usually invited to things with my friends. this weekend I've been invited to 2 events by them. I feel unbearable pain knowing that if I go, I would ruin the whole event for them. I would have no use being there. but if I didn't go, then they would be disappointed. I know they invited me out of pity, at least the first friend. he is very nice to me and only invited me because he's known me for so long and he knows I struggle and he's nice. none of his friendliness is very genuine though. the second one is from a friend I've known since childhood, but he doesn't know me recently very well so of course he wouldn't really like me if I came and he has an idealized version of me and I ruin everything by him realizing what I really am.
I know this is stupid, but this situation triggers my anxiety and cptsd so much that it's physically and mentally unbearable. I feel like I cannot handle life any longer, although I have no idea how to end it. I have a lot of nausea problems because of my intense emotions and anxiety, and this week I've been unbearably and agonizingly nauseous. I've been getting so triggered constantly, I feel like this in itself will kill me. I hated my therapy session today. we are doing a thing about telling the chapters of my life, but I got triggered just by her saying the first one is the first few years of my life.. all I can think about is those awful memories. I even got triggered this morning by a song. everyday I just feel awful feelings in one way or another. I know I logically will never escape this. it's been my whole life. I can't do it anymore. (also me telling her how I want to die so much and crying ended up in her telling me to go outside..which pissed me off and made me so angry that as soon as I got home I overdosed on some pills(not attempt). I still feel a bit sick)
I can't exist anywhere.. I cannot be around anyone and I can't be in myself but I cannot confine myself and I cannot die. all of it is some sick awful game to whatever god we. have. I feel like I'm being tortured. I cannot go to anyone. no one will ever understand. all I think about is death. all I feel is agony . I just want it all to go away.. I don't know if I want to be happy, I think I'd rather die.
