Venting Overwhelming apathy about everything

[wishingonstars]

I've recently transitioned from being incredibly suicidal and in physical pain from how hard it is to just exist to just having this overwhelming numbness and apathy about everything. I don't know why and it's almost worse because I can't fake being a functioning member of society. I have no reason to go to work because I don't care if I lose my job, I have no reason to follow through with plans or promises because I can't muster the energy to get out of bed and I don't care enough to force myself (these are plans with people I love, why don't I care??!), I don't care about trying to get better anymore, I'm supposed to call a psychiatrist to get my meds upped/adjusted but I don't care enough to do so. But on the other hand I also don't care enough to plan a method to ctb. I'm just so apathetic to everything. I wish my heart to just stop beating as I sleep not because I want to avoid a painful death but because I see no point in going forward and am willing to let everything crumble around me because why not. I wish I could go back to the pain because at least I was feeling something. I hate that I was trying to improve as I've made plans that would ensure I can't sh beforehand (swimming in dirty water) and if anything could pull me out of this (and I doubt it) it would be sh. I could just cancel my plans but that seems like a lot of effort and then more effort trying to fix it later. Easier to just go and then try not make future plans. I just want to fade away. Is that really so much to ask?

 

[Zeir Anpin 729]

Every day I sleep in until 5:00 PM. Then eat something, and go back to bed. I really wish I could starve myself, and I've tested the limits of that, but my brain is hardwired by evolution to not allow that. I canceled the lease on my apartment and have 29 days left before I clean up and move out. All of my personal belongings will go out in the trash, and hopefully I will have enough money left to pay off the remaining bills and take an Uber up north into another state. I am so disabled that being homeless will be miserable because I cannot fight or run. So I need a plan soon to just simply die somewhere, alone and peaceful. I have already become totally apathetic to all the things in life that could have been worth living for.

In order to succeed at finally killing myself, I have realized that it is totally necessary to absorb into my psyche the energy of the death drive, as described by Freud's dual drive theory. My desire to leave notes and internet postings stems from the Archiviolithic Drive associated with the archon elements of Freud's theory.

The collective unconscious must guide my conscious towards this, and I must no longer think thoughts using the words "I" or "me".

I nearly failed psychology in college, but somehow, against the logic of the universe, ended up with an A+. So whether I am qualified or not to add Jungian terms into these discussions feels like a judgement made by something other than myself. The archons of information, perhaps.

 

[DeeDog]

For what it's worth, this is very relatable. There was a time when I'd be in tears all the time, but now it just feels hollow, like instead of craving death, I'm just so tired of living. Having to mask that fact too in front of people is also exhausting. I hate having to constantly grin like a clown and fake laugh every time I'm with friends or family. I feel for you. I hope you feel better, one way or another.

 

[wishingonstars]

For what it's worth, this is very relatable. There was a time when I'd be in tears all the time, but now it just feels hollow, like instead of craving death, I'm just so tired of living. Having to mask that fact too in front of people is also exhausting. I hate having to constantly grin like a clown and fake laugh every time I'm with friends or family. I feel for you. I hope you feel better, one way or another.

Having to mask in front of people is the hardest part. It is definitely so incredibly exhausting. I think I would be in a much better place if I didn't have to spend every last drop of energy pretending to be fine. Even then I walk the thin line of trying to be somewhat honest about my mental health without worrying people. If only people understood how painful or hollow life can be, I feel half dead but somehow I continue to breath each day. If only I knew what it felt like to be okay, I have never felt okay, my earliest memories are of depression and anxiety.

I also hope you feel better, everyone I have met on this site deserves to find peace one way or another.

 

[Nightfoot]

That level of apathy sounds like depression. Were you depressed before you noticed the change? I hope you feel better, it sounds like you're really suffering.

 

[wishingonstars]

That level of apathy sounds like depression. Were you depressed before you noticed the change? I hope you feel better, it sounds like you're really suffering.

Yes I've been depressed my whole life, I started therapy when I was 4 years old. I've been on medication for it for over 6 years but nothing has ever made it go away completely, hoping to get my meds adjusted soon so hopefully that does something. My therapist is trying to get me approved for ketamine assisted therapy as well and I've heard good things about that. I'd say I was at the end of the line but I've been planning ways to ctb since I was 8 and never gone through with it so I'd say the line ended a while ago and now I'm just dragging myself through life unwilling to hurt the people I love by leaving but unable to stop the endless pain.

Thank you though, I am really suffering but on here I think we all are. I hope whatever brought you here gets better too or at least easier.