Venting Overcoming the guilt of leaving ur family behind…

[itsalittlecold]

I messed up the other week, I've spent a long time 'prepping' my brother and sister, trying to desensitise them to my death.
I got hold of SN, I decided to be noble & speak with my sister. As understanding as she is, I guess it's natural for her to do anything possible to 'save' me. We lost our parents at a very young age and I know them losing me too is going to break them anyway, so I decided to let my sister ring people and it resulted in me going to a mental health ward. Nothing has helped, they started me on new medication & now I feel in limbo again.. I suppose deep down, I've allowed it to go this way, so I can prove to them I really did try everything and hopefully now, they won't blame themselves.

How do people get over that guilt?

I got told I have adhd & bpd, adhd I knew I had. Bpd has opened my eyes a little and it's made me more certain than ever that I ain't fixable. I'm always going to ruin friendships and relationships, I'm always going to shut down and make myself believe I'm worthless.

All I wanted was a life with an understanding partner & family, I'm 29yr now and I've lost absolutely everything more than once, due to my brain. I don't even know what I do wrong half the time, I just know I'll always push away

I told my sister this time, they will be no warning as it puts to much responsibility on them. My plan now is to do it on the day of my birthday, in a month. That way, they only get reminded of me once a year.

Not even sure why I posted this, I guess I just needed to vent to someone.

 

[Kore]

I feel your pain, the only reason i'm still here is I also have zero idea how to face the guilt and shame of breaking the hearts of your family. I have no advice to give you, guess i'm just letting you know someone relates.

Some people say that you should remind yourself once you're gone, you won't even know what your family goes through. It won't matter anyway. But that isn't enough for me. :(

 

[another_creature]

Very much relating to OP and Kore. I also don't want to leave my parents childless, with no legacy.
I know there are many anti natalists here, but I am not one and I think my parents did the best they could and even better probably, I feel really bad for being so broken.
Lately I've been trying to think how to make it look like an accident, but it's difficult without many risks, as expected

 

[mythofsisyphus]

I'm not sure you ever do get over the guilt. For me, my pain doesn't remove my love and care for my family - it will always be there. This is what makes feeling the way we do so suffocating, because no matter what we do, there's intense emotions and pain attached to either option. It sucks, but I'm not sure there's any way of avoiding it.

I wonder if when we're in a place where we're wanting to get over the guilt, to make it go away, it's a sign our pain hasn't quite tipped the balance yet, that maybe our love for our family and care for them is slightly stronger than the suffering we're enduring, because we can't quite bring ourselves to face the pain we might cause them. Maybe it reaches a point where despite the guilt, the pain and suffering overpowers it. Where we can face the guilt head on and accept it for what it is, knowing that despite it, we need to do what we need to do. For me, this would be a sign I've reached the point where my decision is more certain.

Maybe right now, our fear of the guilt is something we should be listening to, maybe it's a sign we're not making the right choice? I don't know, maybe I'm chatting a load of shit, but just my thoughts.

 

[Kore]

Very much relating to OP and Kore. I also don't want to leave my parents childless, with no legacy.
I know there are many anti natalists here, but I am not one and I think my parents did the best they could and even better probably, I feel really bad for being so broken.
Lately I've been trying to think how to make it look like an accident, but it's difficult without many risks, as expected

This is another 'problem' for me. I am the last of my line lmao. Idk how much that means these days, but it means something. My father has 2 sisters, and I am his only son - if I die, his line ends. As I said, not as big a deal now adays as it was in past times, but... its still hard to think about. Im already letting my dad and family down by not wanting to have kids myself, least I could do as stay alive till he's gone.

I don't want my dad to have to outlive his child. Idk if i'll ever find a way to deal with it, so for now, i think im sticking around. Though some days its harder to say that. Today for example, i'm longing for the deep sleep.

 

[itsalittlecold]

I feel your pain, the only reason i'm still here is I also have zero idea how to face the guilt and shame of breaking the hearts of your family. I have no advice to give you, guess i'm just letting you know someone relates.

Some people say that you should remind yourself once you're gone, you won't even know what your family goes through. It won't matter anyway. But that isn't enough for me. :(

I feel the same way. I guess maybe this is a form of SI… I honestly don't understand how our minds can convince us of one thing, then throw a spanner in the works, whilst simultaneously making itself feel nothing is worth it anyway.

I'm not sure you ever do get over the guilt. For me, my pain doesn't remove my love and care for my family - it will always be there. This is what makes feeling the way we do so suffocating, because no matter what we do, there's intense emotions and pain attached to either option. It sucks, but I'm not sure there's any way of avoiding it.

I wonder if when we're in a place where we're wanting to get over the guilt, to make it go away, it's a sign our pain hasn't quite tipped the balance yet, that maybe our love for our family and care for them is slightly stronger than the suffering we're enduring, because we can't quite bring ourselves to face the pain we might cause them. Maybe it reaches a point where despite the guilt, the pain and suffering overpowers it. Where we can face the guilt head on and accept it for what it is, knowing that despite it, we need to do what we need to do. For me, this would be a sign I've reached the point where my decision is more certain.

Maybe right now, our fear of the guilt is something we should be listening to, maybe it's a sign we're not making the right choice? I don't know, maybe I'm chatting a load of shit, but just my thoughts.

Yeah I'm thinking it's another SI, maybe because we understand the pain and hurt so deeply, we don't want to be the contributing factor of our loved ones feeling as we did. We may accept our fate in ctb, but for some even in the worst circumstances will never understand the wanting to ctb… I think it should be pro-choice, no one should be made to suffer everyday without a miracle cure. However that been said, I don't think I'd ever come to terms with my bro or sis wanting to ctb. That'd break me in ways I'd never thought possible. Our mind is powerful, but yet weird.

I don't think it's a sign of not making the right choice, because no matter the love or support I receive from my siblings, it doesn't change how I feel on a day to day basis, my mind literally fantasises over ctb, I fluctuate from intense feelings of worthlessness to been a failure. I've never wronged anyone in life, I pushed them away before I could. But my conscious will always call for me to ctb… it's got to a point I won't even try anything anymore, cause no matter how good it turns out for me, I will mess up and I will be left in the same situation feeling the same all over again.

 

[Daryl72]

Can also relate to how you say you don't even know how you do wrong, it's just our brains never allow us to fully understand why or how we keep messing up. At least that's for some of us.

 

[dinosavr]

Yeah, we gotta do what we gotta do when others are not even trying to understand the idea of killing yourself. And of course they will be devastated but no one would blame you if you died from cancer, right?? Then why do they judge you despite your bpd? Don't they get it that they have no voice in this situation?

 

[itsalittlecold]

Can also relate to how you say you don't even know how you do wrong, it's just our brains never allow us to fully understand why or how we keep messing up. At least that's for some of us.

Yep & at the same time it's like watching ourselves act from a 3rd person view… I'm very fascinated by the conscious

Yeah, we gotta do what we gotta do when others are not even trying to understand the idea of killing yourself. And of course they will be devastated but no one would blame you if you died from cancer, right?? Then why do they judge you despite your bpd? Don't they get it that they have no voice in this situation?

Exactly! I have literally tried every route for help, self help, every method I've vigorously researched to try 'fix' myself. It turns out the problem is needing to conform with society, Atleast for me that is and I refuse too.
My family are very understanding, I spose it's nice for me to know that they don't understand. I'm glad they haven't been made to feel like ctb is the best way

 

[aslank98]

It's one of the few things holding me back. On the one hand I absolutely hate my parents for having me, but I just can't give up and basically transfer the suffering to them.

There was a video posted here recently about a russian teenager who streamed his suicide on discord.

His dad came in and discovered his lifeless body and was screaming. Watching that killed me inside because I just know my parents would react in a similar way.

It's never going to be easy. I think even when we have nobody it's still difficult to overcome the SI.

God I fucking hate being stuck like this, absolutely ridiculous.

When I start planning my suicide I feel so sure about it, I tell myself that my family will be in pain and suffer but eventually they'll let me go and understand.

But then as the day nears closer to actual action, I panic, I start feeling emotional and I feel a lot of guilt. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it. I have my method, but actually going through with it seems almost impossible.


One day though we will be free.

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

I am certain the only reason I am still here is to save the family from the heartbreak. It gets harder every day to stop thinking about ctb. I feel like I am just going to explode.

 

[itsalittlecold]

It's one of the few things holding me back. On the one hand I absolutely hate my parents for having me, but I just can't give up and basically transfer the suffering to them.

There was a video posted here recently about a russian teenager who streamed his suicide on discord.

His dad came in and discovered his lifeless body and was screaming. Watching that killed me inside because I just know my parents would react in a similar way.

It's never going to be easy. I think even when we have nobody it's still difficult to overcome the SI.

God I fucking hate being stuck like this, absolutely ridiculous.

When I start planning my suicide I feel so sure about it, I tell myself that my family will be in pain and suffer but eventually they'll let me go and understand.

But then as the day nears closer to actual action, I panic, I start feeling emotional and I feel a lot of guilt. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it. I have my method, but actually going through with it seems almost impossible.


One day though we will be free.

Yep it seems a si in itself.. I've tried so many different ways to get it across to them and accepting it's the only way I can find my peace.
It is just crazy isn't it, even with the means to end the viscous circle of life, we find ourselves trapped in the circle of guilt.

As you say, one day we will be free

I am certain the only reason I am still here is to save the family from the heartbreak. It gets harder every day to stop thinking about ctb. I feel like I am just going to explode.

Exactly the same here, I wish I had some answers to how to feel better

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

Yep it seems a si in itself.. I've tried so many different ways to get it across to them and accepting it's the only way I can find my peace.
It is just crazy isn't it, even with the means to end the viscous circle of life, we find ourselves trapped in the circle of guilt.

As you say, one day we will be free

Exactly the same here, I wish I had some answers to how to feel better

Thanks brother. I wish I had all the answers too