I am constantly filled with loneliness. And the loneliness often makes me want to do certain things to alleviate my loneliness: call people, meet new people, emotionally connect with people.
But these are actually all dangerous things that could wreck my plans.
I've been previously involuntarily hospitalized and it was the most degrading debasing experience of my life. If you asked me if I would rather endure being involuntarily hospitalized or, instead, be pissed on every day for 3 hours a day by a slew of random people, I would choose being pissed on. The involuntary hospital experience is that miserable and degrading and once you are there, there is little recourse because they can do anything to you in the name of safety. Deprive you of clothing? Put you in an area that's extremely cold with just a gown? Have people watch you while you go to the bathroom? Inflict forms of sensory deprivation on you by depriving you of books, TV, music, communication, and any form of stimulation? Threaten to drug you more unless you interact with other people there who you don't like? ALL OF IT will be done and justified in the name of safety. It's okay to treat you like shit... because... "safety."
A lof of my emotional needs seem irrational to me at this point. People have feelings of loneliness because humans tended to survive in groups and need other humans to procreate. But I've felt such suffering, I never want to procreate and create another person who could be degraded like I've been degraded. And the instinct of needing others to survive in groups isn't entirely true anymore. These days, to survive, you don't need other people, you need money. And if you can get money without people, or by interacting with people in limited ways, then you don't need other people at all.
So this instinct, to want to reach out and connect with people, could really fuck up my plans. And it's a really strong instinct. I'm not sure how to dull it. I'm probably going to start taking a low dose of daily acetaminophen which can blunt certain desires to connect with others. I could use euphoric drugs to decrease my unhappiness, but that could lead to escalating doses and impaired judgment, which could also fuck up my plans.
I am also overcome with regret. "Oh, poor me, if only my life had been slightly different." And that knowledge and thinking leads to tremendous despair, which makes it hard for me to even function in a basic capacity. And that could fuck up my plans.
I am also so angry at how I've been treated by society. So many people have mistreated me, taken advantage of me, been cruel to me. The fact that it has been done also by the mental health industry makes me feel like my entire life I've been some crawling rotting carrion with all sorts of different vultures swooping down to eat chunks of my flesh periodically while i continue to crawl and squirm toward the finish line of death.
I also feel like to have integrity during this period leading up to my suicide, I should actually not be trying to emotionally connect with people, strengthen my relationships, and do things that will leave more people grieving. I just need to be ready to end it all.
I still have so many emotions clouding how I feel. I just need to get the required things done off my to do list and then just end it. I'm just struggling with the loneliness and isolation of it all, and the rational realization that trying to reduce my loneliness makes it more likely I won't accomplish what I want.
But these are actually all dangerous things that could wreck my plans.
I've been previously involuntarily hospitalized and it was the most degrading debasing experience of my life. If you asked me if I would rather endure being involuntarily hospitalized or, instead, be pissed on every day for 3 hours a day by a slew of random people, I would choose being pissed on. The involuntary hospital experience is that miserable and degrading and once you are there, there is little recourse because they can do anything to you in the name of safety. Deprive you of clothing? Put you in an area that's extremely cold with just a gown? Have people watch you while you go to the bathroom? Inflict forms of sensory deprivation on you by depriving you of books, TV, music, communication, and any form of stimulation? Threaten to drug you more unless you interact with other people there who you don't like? ALL OF IT will be done and justified in the name of safety. It's okay to treat you like shit... because... "safety."
A lof of my emotional needs seem irrational to me at this point. People have feelings of loneliness because humans tended to survive in groups and need other humans to procreate. But I've felt such suffering, I never want to procreate and create another person who could be degraded like I've been degraded. And the instinct of needing others to survive in groups isn't entirely true anymore. These days, to survive, you don't need other people, you need money. And if you can get money without people, or by interacting with people in limited ways, then you don't need other people at all.
So this instinct, to want to reach out and connect with people, could really fuck up my plans. And it's a really strong instinct. I'm not sure how to dull it. I'm probably going to start taking a low dose of daily acetaminophen which can blunt certain desires to connect with others. I could use euphoric drugs to decrease my unhappiness, but that could lead to escalating doses and impaired judgment, which could also fuck up my plans.
I am also overcome with regret. "Oh, poor me, if only my life had been slightly different." And that knowledge and thinking leads to tremendous despair, which makes it hard for me to even function in a basic capacity. And that could fuck up my plans.
I am also so angry at how I've been treated by society. So many people have mistreated me, taken advantage of me, been cruel to me. The fact that it has been done also by the mental health industry makes me feel like my entire life I've been some crawling rotting carrion with all sorts of different vultures swooping down to eat chunks of my flesh periodically while i continue to crawl and squirm toward the finish line of death.
I also feel like to have integrity during this period leading up to my suicide, I should actually not be trying to emotionally connect with people, strengthen my relationships, and do things that will leave more people grieving. I just need to be ready to end it all.
I still have so many emotions clouding how I feel. I just need to get the required things done off my to do list and then just end it. I'm just struggling with the loneliness and isolation of it all, and the rational realization that trying to reduce my loneliness makes it more likely I won't accomplish what I want.
