Discussion Outside of depression and trauma, has anyone else lowkey felt like they weren’t meant to live the life they’re currently living in general?

[amerie]

I'm still alive (unfortunately), I'm a very impulsive and anxious person, so I apologize.

But anyways, I just want to ask if anyone has ever felt this passive feeling that you lowkey don't belong here?

As an example, my parents never really intended on having me at the time that they did and they were quite disgruntled but decided to keep me anyway for the lulz of it (this should've been the first sign,) and throughout my life I've always been described as "silly" "quirky" "weird" etc., just basically constantly reminded that I'm an "other" or "below" everyone else. I've also been told that something about my facial features resembles heroin chic models, ethereal, "cute", or straight up chopped or strange looking.

I also grew up just genuinely being different from a lot of my peers, I'm often the only black and Asian person in the entire room, and I have a multitude of other issues that I don't want to list rn—and not to bitch or anything but growing up with all these marginalized traits in an area where you don't see a lot of people like you can suck ass when you're a young insecure girl.

I mean the area I live in is pretty diverse, but it's mainly just Mexicans and they reign supreme in everything and they're not the most accepting to people who are different from them (at least the general ones.)

Besides the obvious signs, I've also always been attracted to higher reality stuff, like manifestation, portal jumping, astral projection, chakras, aura, etc. I feel like a lot of people here were those kids who spent hours on YouTube watching fairy potion tutorials or wanted to be a mermaid really bad or some other mythical shit.

I also remember when I was 5 (and this was before I even knew what depression was) I was sitting on the couch and I randomly thought I had lived too long, so I closed my eyes and started playing the "ending credits" of my life thinking that my life would end and I'd be somewhere else, and was lowkey disappointed when it didn't work.

Anyways, am I the only one?

 

[Broken_Biscuit]

Incredibly eloquently written.

I totally understand and wholeheartedly relate. For me, I'm different to my siblings, my friends - I'm not conventional and totally feel that I wasn't quite meant for this realm. So yeah, I feel you on your words above.

The end credits bit there when you were 5 is so deep.

 

[amerie]

Incredibly eloquently written.

I totally understand and wholeheartedly relate. For me, I'm different to my siblings, my friends - I'm not conventional and totally feel that I wasn't quite meant for this realm. So yeah, I feel you on your words above.

The end credits bit there when you were 5 is so deep.

Thanks, I wasn't even suicidal or depressed in any capacity, I was just fucking bored and wanted to live a different life.

I think outside of depression, I'm just easily bored. The way life is structured isn't for my brain and body, I wish I was born as a dog or something so I'd be easily impressed by going for a walk and taking and eating my own shit.

 

[theboy]

Me :/

 

[Grog]

I don't think I was meant to rot in bed all day. When I was in elementary school, my test scores showed that I was performing at the level of a gifted child. My school district wanted to send me to a three week trip to Europe and also put me in a program for gifted children, but my parents couldn't afford any of that. And, as I got older, and as my home life became worse, so did my mental health. My ADHD went into full swing, and I started getting bad grades because I couldn't focus. Unfortunately, I didn't know I had ADHD until I was an adult, but it was explained to me that I definitely had it when my grades were slipping in middle school too. So, I didn't do anything to help myself at the time; my parents should have noticed that I wasn't mentally well, but they were neglectful. So, I feel like I am the embodiment of "wasted potential." I should have done something great with my life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I really was never meant for this torturous existence of unnecessary suffering and I wish I never existed more than anything, for me only non-existence is positive and desirable and is just all I'll hope for as long as I'm burdened with this existence I always saw as a mistake and I just wish this existence was never imposed.

I'm not meant to suffer in this horrific world where there is all this endless cruelty and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured but as well as that I have no interest in existing, I find it deeply undesirable to exist and I'd never wish to be conscious of anything at all, I see existence as the most torturous, futile burden and I suffer simply from being burdened with this existence.

 

[timechained]

I often feel like my life is a just a dream I hope to wake up from, like am I really alive and why???

My whole life I've been wanting my life to be over. I have always felt like I shouldn't be here.

 

[25dRvS9Ka]

I'm the fifth (I believe sixth due to a miscarriage?) descendant of my mother, born after my parents separated, it's obvious and clear to everyone how my existence is a mistake due to the lack of family planning, added to the ultranatalist culture. I should have been aborted or gone for adoption, I know that I'm only good for wasting oxygen, just doing overtime on earth.

Even if I had everything right on the tracks, this information is still absurdly noticeable.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Yeah I've felt that way. Like my parents aren't really my parents and whatnot. For me I think it's in part a symptom of disassociation. Lots of yelling interspaced with long spans of isolation or having to put up with bs. I just leave my body and go into some other thought space.

Some people work low level disassociation into a brand of "specialness" like being an indigo child, starseed, alien hybrid, cosplay or any number of special 'identities". Because there's an element of self-gaslighting at it's core gullibility often comes with the package resulting in exploitation. Part of being special entails fighting for your acceptance. Some really step into the role of activist in this regard.

On the family of origin stuff I definitely feel ya. My mom married down and while I "should" be somewhat privileged, straddling two socioeconomic and educational classes really sucked. My dad resented and targeted me for utter destruction extorting me out of the future I feel I was supposed to have. So now I live a life that shouldn't be.

 

[wham311]

Totally. I have zero work ethic, I don't like taking care of myself, selfish, horrible people skills, not particularly good at anything, I've used shortcuts to bypass everything difficult and now it's biting me in the ass all at ince.

Normal people figure every single thing out in their lives. 38 with basically nothing to my name. No friendships, a terrible resume bc I can't keep a job, make terrible decisions that really fuck with everyone and now I'm a burden on my family bc I had to move back home