Venting Out of options

[willitpass]

I haven't made any progress in residential. I have a feeling if I continue down this path I will be kicked out within a few weeks. I don't know where they'll send me, because they can't send me home in this state. My only hope is that it would involve me flying solo again so I can stop at a gas station, fill up a red gas canister, buy a lighter, and die. I told my therapist today during session that I'm worried about where they'll send me if I don't get better. They didn't respond.

My dad is really struggling with how things are going. I know it kills him how much I'm struggling. That's why I kept him in the dark the last few years. How are you supposed to sit there while your baby girl screams that she doesn't want to be alive or keep fighting? And when the options are running out for treatment all you can do is hope and pray that one day they find a will to live. It kills me to know how much this hurts him. And it kills me to know that he's gonna still lose me to this battle he's been fighting like hell with me for over half my life.