Venting Out of Fight

[willitpass]

I've reached a point now where I just give up. I'm not currently in the mental space to be ready to CTB, I still feel too much SI related to the fear of the process. But I've fallen deep down the path of slow self destruction, a slow suicide. Killing myself bit by bit until I'm either ready to pull the trigger or my body gives out on its own. This time around, however, there are so many eyes on me having just come back from residential that there is a very minimal chance that I don't get sectioned into the hospital before I become ready to CTB.

I don't have any fight left in me. I'm too exhausted to mask anymore. I masked for nearly 3 years straight, I don't have it in me. And I don't get much joy out of living life outside of the hospital either, so I don't feel any incentive to maintain this lifestyle as opposed to an institutionalized one. I don't want to be alive, I wish I could just speed past the fear of doing it, but it doesn't work like that. My mind isn't ready, I can't do anything but wait. But unfortunately I won't be able to wait indefinitely. I'm not far from getting shipped off whether I like it or not. There's nothing more they can do for me there. I have done it all time and time again.

If I get sent back, I'm done fighting. I don't care about going to groups. I don't care about eating. I don't care about anything. They can shove a tube down my throat. They can drug me to all hell. They can ship me off to residential again. I don't even fucking care if my dad gets a conservatorship anymore. I'm done fighting. I'm a prisoner to my own mind and have been since I was 9. I've already been a revolving door patient to the mental healthcare system since I was 10. If they want to make me a prisoner to their system with no way out, I don't have it in me to fight anymore. My only hope is that while there I get over my fear of dying again and that at some point an opportunity presents itself for me to CTB.

Learned helplessness at its finest.

 

[Odwin]

I just don't understand why do you care so much. You seem in limbo and the best part about being in limbo you can do what you want without feeling bad about it. Well I don't know what kind of broken you are, but does that actually matter?

 

[willitpass]

I just don't understand why do you care so much. You seem in limbo and the best part about being in limbo you can do what you want without feeling bad about it. Well I don't know what kind of broken you are, but does that actually matter?

I'm in limbo, in the sense that I'm in purgatory. My mind is a war zone. No matter what I do, I feel bad about it. I desperately want to die, yet I am not in the right mental space to go through with CTB. If being in limbo were so nice and it were so easy to not care, I wouldn't want to CTB in the first place. I wouldn't be starving myself and abusing laxatives right now if I could just do whatever I want without feeling bad about it. I'm trapped in my own head. I can't feel joy anymore even in the things I love the most. I don't feel connected to the people I care about. Every moment is a constant reminder of how much I don't want to be here. Yet my mind is too caught up in the fear of the act of dying right now to execute it. This is the worst possible limbo to be in.

 

[Odwin]

You are stuck in your mind think about things that don't matter, but you can't help it. Mhh well. You still can do whatever since staying alive isn't your prio. I wonder what is drowning you.

 

[willitpass]

You are stuck in your mind think about things that don't matter, but you can't help it. Mhh well. You still can do whatever since staying alive isn't your prio. I wonder what is drowning you.

Again, if it were so simple as thinking and willing myself out of it, I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I've been feeling the same way!

 

[Odwin]

Again, if it were so simple as thinking and willing myself out of it, I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.

Even if you don't like it. Willing yourself out of it is the only way. Since nobody else cares.

 

[willitpass]

Even if you don't like it. Willing yourself out of it is the only way. Since nobody else cares.

I've been trying to will myself out of major mental health issues since I was 9. I'm in my mid 20s now. I'm out of traditional treatment options, and several more novel options have failed me as well. I've tried "doing whatever the fuck I want" and doing what the self help gurus swear will cure you. I've tried and tried and tried for a decade and a half. I'm tired. I give up. I know no one else cares. And I don't care either anymore.

 

[Odwin]

I've been trying to will myself out of major mental health issues since I was 9. I'm in my mid 20s now. I'm out of traditional treatment options, and several more novel options have failed me as well. I've tried "doing whatever the fuck I want" and doing what the self help gurus swear will cure you. I've tried and tried and tried for a decade and a half. I'm tired. I give up. I know no one else cares. And I don't care either anymore.

That's the way to go. Not caring. I hope you achieve true indifference

 

[willitpass]

That's the way to go. Not caring. I hope you achieve true indifference

You can live by your sentiment as much as you wish, but to be quite honest, you pushing that sentiment onto me is the furthest thing from helpful. You not caring may be a source of peace, but to me it is agony. I don't need someone to come here and tell me how blessed my suffering is.