Venting Others judging me

[Schnipsel]

My social circle is made up of mostly not really mentally well people and there are a lot of jokes being made about ctb and many people have past ctb attempts. Yet, I know they would judge me if I actually died from my next attempt.

I know enough know thangs to my job and this forum that my next attempt will most likely end up with me actually dying and I'm just insanely afraid of them judging me for going through with it, even though many of them have past attempts and I'd be kinda hypocritical.

A friend of mine half a year ago (who also called a wellness check on me, cause I was kinda MIA for a couple of days and then didn't answer the phone) told me they don't wanna have to read my name out loud on TDOR* and it really made me feel like they'd be pissed at me if I ctb.

I feel really horrible about this situation. I just want all the pain and suffering to stop. Is that so unethical? I just wanna pass on in peace, not having to worry that others will judge me for the decisions I make about my own body.
It very much mirrors the feelings people had towards me when I transitioned.

It's my body. Why don't I just get to make my oown decisions about it without anybody else judging that.



*trans day of remembrance

 

[Schnipsel]

Just wanna add that I'm still 99.999% (because how can you ever be 100% sure of anything) determined to go through with it.

Its just creating a lot of extra anxiety and suffering for me until I do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to be free from all suffering, to me personally it feels so cruel how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I hope that you find the peace you search for, best wishes.