Venting "Others have it way worse"

[tiltedcompass]

Those are the words that my partner uttered last night, when I was feeling depressed due to grief and mental illness and because I didn't feel like I had his support.
He also has the bad habit of saying "just relax" whenever I'm feeling anxious. He says that because of the way he was raised, he bottles up his emotions and doesn't know how to console/help others aside from telling me to meditate or to distract myself, you get the point.

I told him that I hated those words. I screamed it several times at around 2am, because that's the last thing I wanted to hear from him. My house feels like a prison whenever I'm suicidal, I want to run away and disappear. He stopped me at the door and I wish he didn't. At this point I don't even know if he cares in his own way or doesn't. It so hard to distinguish the difference.


Why is it so hard for others to understand that we want to be listened to? He refuses to accept that I want to die, and told me it makes him sad whenever he thinks about it... Instead of thinking about my pain. I want to be selfish for once, I want others to see how much I suffer.
Even my mom accepted it, we had a serious talk a month ago and she told me that if I was suffering too much, that I was free to ctb because it was ultimately my choice. So why can't he say that as well? Maybe I don't even know what I want to hear from him.
Sorry if the rambling doesn't make sense. I just woke up and feel terrible about what happened last night. I'm trapped inside my room right now and he refuses to talk to me.

 

[unluckysadness]

If your mom has accepted it, she's a very intelligent person who really loves you and it's very rare. Your partner love you too but the idea of losing you is unbearable, and it's 100% understandable. But your partner must know that saying "just relax" makes things worse for you. My God, why must life be so complicated ?

 

[NoHorizon]

That must have been shit to hear from somebody who is supposed to care about you. It always frustrates me hearing that phrase - suffering isn't a competition! To use a stupid analogy, it's like if you're really hungry knowing somebody is starving doesn't mean you aren't still really hungry. Your suffering is still real and unbearable regardless of whether it's more or less than someone else's.

 

[tiltedcompass]

If your mom has accepted it, she's a very intelligent person who really loves you and it's very rare. Your partner love you too but the idea of losing you is unbearable, and it's 100% understandable. But your partner must know that saying "just relax" makes things worse for you. My God, why must life be so complicated ?

My mom was suicidal when she was younger and had several attempts, so I guess that makes it easier for her to understand my struggles.
And yes, I agree, my partner doesn't know how to deal with me whenever I'm depressed or anxious so he ends up saying the most obvious things and it makes me feel worse. But he never had suicidal thoughts and was raised the way he was, so it's understandable... But his words still make me feel terrible sometimes.
He tries to help me, not understand me.

 

[peewee]

i hate that phrase its so insane to me that people ever say it

 

[traingirl]

Those are the words that my partner uttered last night, when I was feeling depressed due to grief and mental illness and because I didn't feel like I had his support.
He also has the bad habit of saying "just relax" whenever I'm feeling anxious. He says that because of the way he was raised, he bottles up his emotions and doesn't know how to console/help others aside from telling me to meditate or to distract myself, you get the point.

I told him that I hated those words. I screamed it several times at around 2am, because that's the last thing I wanted to hear from him. My house feels like a prison whenever I'm suicidal, I want to run away and disappear. He stopped me at the door and I wish he didn't. At this point I don't even know if he cares in his own way or doesn't. It so hard to distinguish the difference.


Why is it so hard for others to understand that we want to be listened to? He refuses to accept that I want to die, and told me it makes him sad whenever he thinks about it... Instead of thinking about my pain. I want to be selfish for once, I want others to see how much I suffer.
Even my mom accepted it, we had a serious talk a month ago and she told me that if I was suffering too much, that I was free to ctb because it was ultimately my choice. So why can't he say that as well? Maybe I don't even know what I want to hear from him.
Sorry if the rambling doesn't make sense. I just woke up and feel terrible about what happened last night. I'm trapped inside my room right now and he refuses to talk to me.

People tell me this as well. "You have everything you need to sleep and thrive" "Some people have it way worse than you". Grief is the worst emotional pain imaginable and no one understands until they have experienced it. It's hell on earth. And to be called selfish is like twisting a knife in a wound deeper. I'm sorry they are being this way towards you.

 

[A Dream of a Dream]

i'm sorry, i can empathize with what you're feeling. i can sympathize with your partner who seems to love and care for you. not everyone has the emotional tools to process the feelings we have. but that doesn't mean they don't love us or care about us. i feel for you both.

 

[pogostick]

Just because he was raised to bottle up his emotions doesn't mean that he should treat you in that way. I was raised the same, my mother would always tell me that my life was too good for me to be depressed but I'd never dream of telling that to somebody else, even if I believe it about myself. He wasn't just having a hard time consoling you, he was invalidating the way you felt and I'm sorry that happened.
I'm really sorry that you feel this way, its okay to ramble and vent here. I really hope that your partner apologises to you.
I'm here if you want to talk.

 

[tiltedcompass]

Small update: Me and my partner are in good terms now, he didn't apologize and felt offended that I screamed at him about saying what he said. I told him that I understood he had good intentions but that it wasn't the right approach by using those specific words.
At least he gets that I'm very stressed and depressed (unfortunately I ended up self harming this afternoon).
In the end, I decided to apologize for my behavior even if I felt that he was guilty as well.
Thanks everyone for the responses, they made me feel less alone in this. And I'm glad that I didn't end up making any impulsive decisions.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's a very bizarre phrase on the face of it. It's like someone complaining because they broke their toe and it hurts and saying- you see that person over there? They've broken their leg- a leg is bigger than a toe so- stop your whining.

It's so strange because- it doesn't make our pain go away. It makes it sound like the people around us are more sympathetic towards random strangers than us and, it tries to encourage us to feel guilt. How does any of that help?

Of course, it can be useful if we are able to do it personally. If we can take encouragement and strength that other people have gotten through worse then- great but, I think you already need to be fairly strong to do that.

I think though, we do tend to parrot fashion the responses we used to get ourselves. Even if they weren't helpful! A friend of mine tends to throw out ludicrous positive suggestions on the theme of: 'The world is your oyster.' My family can be the same. My Dad once said I could do anything. Become an astonaut. It was so stupid. Obviously I can't! I don't have the inteligence or fitness. They didn't send me to posh enough schools to be in the running even. Besides- I have no wish at all to become an astronaut!

The worst of it is- they didn't really push themselves to do the impossible. I think that can be the very worst. When there's hypocrisy to it too. When they suggest things as viable solutions that they would never attempt themselves.

I suppose underlying it all is the sentiment that they struggled and had to get on with it so- so shall we. The difficulty being that none of us can really judge just how big and unsurmountable a person's problems are/ feel. I'm also guilty of feeling frustrated with others too unfortunately- for not trying harder. So- I've been on both sides of the fence.

 

[58Alice85]

I hate this too. There is always someone worse off with the hierarchy ending with quadriplegics. It doesn't mean anything or imply you should or should not do anything. It also does not invalidate "lesser" suffering.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I hate this phrase too, because whenever I'm in pain or sad my mother is "comforting" me with these words that others have it worse, instead of comforting me with a warmness that every mother should offer to her suffering son. I wish my mother to have been not so cold. The only comforting I ever got in this rotten life was from my grandma, but sadly she's been gone for more than 20 years. God i miss her so much

 

[calebzz1]

Those are the words that my partner uttered last night, when I was feeling depressed due to grief and mental illness and because I didn't feel like I had his support.
He also has the bad habit of saying "just relax" whenever I'm feeling anxious. He says that because of the way he was raised, he bottles up his emotions and doesn't know how to console/help others aside from telling me to meditate or to distract myself, you get the point.

I told him that I hated those words. I screamed it several times at around 2am, because that's the last thing I wanted to hear from him. My house feels like a prison whenever I'm suicidal, I want to run away and disappear. He stopped me at the door and I wish he didn't. At this point I don't even know if he cares in his own way or doesn't. It so hard to distinguish the difference.


Why is it so hard for others to understand that we want to be listened to? He refuses to accept that I want to die, and told me it makes him sad whenever he thinks about it... Instead of thinking about my pain. I want to be selfish for once, I want others to see how much I suffer.
Even my mom accepted it, we had a serious talk a month ago and she told me that if I was suffering too much, that I was free to ctb because it was ultimately my choice. So why can't he say that as well? Maybe I don't even know what I want to hear from him.
Sorry if the rambling doesn't make sense. I just woke up and feel terrible about what happened last night. I'm trapped inside my room right now and he refuses to talk to me.

That sounds rough for sure, sorry you had to go through that.

A lot of people hate that quote but I like it since it helps remind myself that I really can do a lot desptie my visual impairment.

I think what you posted makes perfect sense and it was easy to understand.

My personal trigger is when people keep saying my condition is temporary when there's been little to no improvement, it's super annoying.

 

[Ligottian]

My reply to my late father's "It could be worse" was "And it could be better". He never had a comeback.

 

[Spider Lilies]

understood he had good intentions but that it wasn't the right approach by using those specific words.

Im happy to hear you guys are on better terms again. Hopefully he can understand how invalidating it can be to hear those words. It's a horrible feeling to hear something that makes it sound like something your experiencing doesn't matter just because someone else may "have it worse". Someone will always "have it worse" so then why do any struggles matter if that logic is anything to go by..