Venting Ordered SN it should arrive by the end of the week. Feeling incredibly lonely. Some last thoughts.

[qonav]

I bought 1kg of SN, It's just that easy in the shithole country I am from, so I guess in a way i'm lucky.
I cut off my friends today and blocked everyone, the guy I had been talking to as well (a 3 year online situationship that has been ruining me slowly).
Even in the last conversation I had with him he kept saying how he was frustrated with all of this and just repeating "you shouldnt do it" over and over, I reassured him it doesn't have anything to do with him, even though it obviously does.

Wanting to be loved and feel loved, thats been my biggest desire for my whole life, my parents never provided affection to me, besides putting a roof over my head and feeding me.
When I dropped out of HS there was noone to support me through it, I'm 22 and It's one of my life's biggest regrets.
I've never been with a guy, never had sex, never held hands, kissed, etc. I've wanted love my whole life but someone as low as me seems unfit to recieve it somehow. I didn't want sex, just a pure romance, a deep connection.

My close friends just parrot the "don't do it" "I'll give you your space" "you'll regret this" all of these phrases just hurt even more, I wonder if their possition and view of life is that far removed from my own, why does no one seem to understand my pain? Even though I've explained to them some of my traumas - (I'm not going to go in depth about it here but my life and early childhood were nothing but abuse and parents neglect) - why do they parrot those lines over and over. Even stuff like "don't do this to me" "this will ruin my life" etc.
In these moments I just wanted to hear an "I love you" from him. He says it's too much for him (he struggles with his own problems).
For my parents and family to hug me and tell me they love me, that they will help me, instead of blaming me and making fun of me.
For my friends to reach out.

I just wanted someone to save me. Someone to soothe me, to make me feel like I matter and I deserve to live.
I just hope I don't chicken-out and take the SN this week. Life is suffering, brief moments of respite seem to be there just to make the suffering once again greater, so that you don't feel too comfortable in your pain. To make it unbearable and maddening once again. To make the loneliness and CPTSD come back and sting once more, stronger each time a bit more than the last.

Why does everyone deny this pain? Why is it that I need to be visiblly ill (i.e: cancer) to be taken into account? For people to stop saying "It gets better"?
I don't believe suicide is a choice because suicide is the only choice for those who have nothing else. Just like a terminal cancer patient isn't choosing to die or recieve euthanasia, why is it that this suffering is acknoledged but not the suffering of the deeply suicidal?

I told everyone it wasn't their fault because I don't want to hurt them any more than me killing myself would, but in a way it is, isn't it? I just don't want to admit it.
I don't resent anyone anymore, I just feel this deep excrutiating pain.

I wish I could've gone to University to make something of myself, that I could start gardening and foreging and exploring nature, I wish all of these things were possible for me but they arent.

I wonder if I should write a final apology to the people in my life, a message of reassurance that it wasn't their fault as I dont wish for them to carry this pain and blame themselves.
And I hope I can just die peacefully. I wish I could've recived a hug during my final moments.

 

[obey_xi]

this is my life in a nutshell. dealt with extreme trauma and neglect in my childhood and then made terrible decisions in my late teens early twenty's. and now after a couple of years i'm just done with life.

i have a friend i met recently who is literally the most amazing, funny, and beautiful girl i've seen. and we are constantly laughing and having a good time, i feel like maybe i could be happy with her.

but who am i kidding. she would never like someone like me. and even if she did. after she found out about what i've been through she probably wouldn't look at me the same. i don't even feel worthy enough to even believe she likes me even though other people think she does like me too.

i dont know. i've just been so hurt that i'm not sure it's worth risking it again. and i'm pretty much set on ctb anyway. so why go through the guessing and begging parts just to end up right back here. i guess i've always wanted to find unconditional love because i have so much love to give. but it somehow always seems like it gets taken advantage of.

 

[hmskms]

but who am i kidding. she would never like someone like me. and even if she did. after she found out about what i've been through she probably wouldn't look at me the same. i don't even feel worthy enough to even believe she likes me even though other people think she does like me too.

youre afraid of losing her. and for what thats worth, it is an absolutely valid fear to have. just stop feeling like you have to salvage everything. you already know what the right answer is to all this shit, and thats why youre here.

youre trying to make up for the bad shit thats happened to you, youre not going to. you only think its your responsibility because of people who hate you telling you it's your fault. it isn't. your life is just bad, and the answer to your problems is outside of it.

 

[qonav]

this is my life in a nutshell. dealt with extreme trauma and neglect in my childhood and then made terrible decisions in my late teens early twenty's. and now after a couple of years i'm just done with life.

i have a friend i met recently who is literally the most amazing, funny, and beautiful girl i've seen. and we are constantly laughing and having a good time, i feel like maybe i could be happy with her.

but who am i kidding. she would never like someone like me. and even if she did. after she found out about what i've been through she probably wouldn't look at me the same. i don't even feel worthy enough to even believe she likes me even though other people think she does like me too.

i dont know. i've just been so hurt that i'm not sure it's worth risking it again. and i'm pretty much set on ctb anyway. so why go through the guessing and begging parts just to end up right back here. i guess i've always wanted to find unconditional love because i have so much love to give. but it somehow always seems like it gets taken advantage of.

If you are set on CTB then you should take the risk of bringing it up to her as a possibility. My friends didn't fully understand me but they never dismissed me or treated me different for the things that happened to me, people like that do exist. Unconditional pure love is the most desirable thing in the world in my opinion, if the chance presents itself where you even consider this could be it maybe you should try to entretain it.

I don't think it has to do with trying to make up for what has happened before like the other person said...I am a very "naive" person in that way and I do think love conquers all, if you think you could be in the path for that then don't rob yourself of it. That's just my opinion, in a way I envy your situation, friend.
Although I'm sure it has it's own plights.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans, I imagine must had been a relief to be able to access the SN so easily, I hope you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[SovietSuicide]

Idk I've kinda come to the conclusion most people are NPCs.

I could point out simple truths at 8 years old and even adults around me would fail to understand.

I've had psychedelic experiences where I feel like everything is really just me and 1 other consciousness interacting with each other, a bit like the matrix and this other consciousness basically just wants to fuck with me for eternity. DMT jesters etc.

I try to avoid thinking about it cause it'd just drive me schizo. Doesn't make it any less painful when I think about my friends and family.

He's always one step ahead. No matter what.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

 

[Cress]

I bought 1kg of SN, It's just that easy in the shithole country I am from, so I guess in a way i'm lucky.
I cut off my friends today and blocked everyone, the guy I had been talking to as well (a 3 year online situationship that has been ruining me slowly).
Even in the last conversation I had with him he kept saying how he was frustrated with all of this and just repeating "you shouldnt do it" over and over, I reassured him it doesn't have anything to do with him, even though it obviously does.

Wanting to be loved and feel loved, thats been my biggest desire for my whole life, my parents never provided affection to me, besides putting a roof over my head and feeding me.
When I dropped out of HS there was noone to support me through it, I'm 22 and It's one of my life's biggest regrets.
I've never been with a guy, never had sex, never held hands, kissed, etc. I've wanted love my whole life but someone as low as me seems unfit to recieve it somehow. I didn't want sex, just a pure romance, a deep connection.

My close friends just parrot the "don't do it" "I'll give you your space" "you'll regret this" all of these phrases just hurt even more, I wonder if their possition and view of life is that far removed from my own, why does no one seem to understand my pain? Even though I've explained to them some of my traumas - (I'm not going to go in depth about it here but my life and early childhood were nothing but abuse and parents neglect) - why do they parrot those lines over and over. Even stuff like "don't do this to me" "this will ruin my life" etc.
In these moments I just wanted to hear an "I love you" from him. He says it's too much for him (he struggles with his own problems).
For my parents and family to hug me and tell me they love me, that they will help me, instead of blaming me and making fun of me.
For my friends to reach out.

I just wanted someone to save me. Someone to soothe me, to make me feel like I matter and I deserve to live.
I just hope I don't chicken-out and take the SN this week. Life is suffering, brief moments of respite seem to be there just to make the suffering once again greater, so that you don't feel too comfortable in your pain. To make it unbearable and maddening once again. To make the loneliness and CPTSD come back and sting once more, stronger each time a bit more than the last.

Why does everyone deny this pain? Why is it that I need to be visiblly ill (i.e: cancer) to be taken into account? For people to stop saying "It gets better"?
I don't believe suicide is a choice because suicide is the only choice for those who have nothing else. Just like a terminal cancer patient isn't choosing to die or recieve euthanasia, why is it that this suffering is acknoledged but not the suffering of the deeply suicidal?

I told everyone it wasn't their fault because I don't want to hurt them any more than me killing myself would, but in a way it is, isn't it? I just don't want to admit it.
I don't resent anyone anymore, I just feel this deep excrutiating pain.

I wish I could've gone to University to make something of myself, that I could start gardening and foreging and exploring nature, I wish all of these things were possible for me but they arent.

I wonder if I should write a final apology to the people in my life, a message of reassurance that it wasn't their fault as I dont wish for them to carry this pain and blame themselves.
And I hope I can just die peacefully. I wish I could've recived a hug during my final moments.

Even in cases like cancer it's very difficult for people to see the internal damage going on a lot of the time and unless the doctor directly tells them that their family member is going to die they will never Usually come to that realization. I have diagnosed nerve damage but on the outside I look completely fine And people's perspective on this sort of thing is sort of the final word. In that regard mental trauma and a lot of medical conditions end up lying out pretty similarly. People just can't see the suffering that you're going through.


I wouldn't feel any obligation to do anything for society outside of what you want to do yourself. There's huge social pressure to get everyone in university And well educated without realizing that it sort of devalues everyone as a whole some more people pursuing certain career paths. You see it all the time Where an entire family ends up going into a single career path be it the medical field or some other endeavor. No one ever wants to take risks and follow other dreams and do the things that they thought would truly make them happy. To be honest I failed at all the risky endeavors that I've tried but at the end of the day I guess I'm glad that at least I took them. They just didn't workout.

I don't wanna sound preachy but You don't deserve the suffering that you're going through And I hope that you realize that. I'm sorry that you feel like you don't deserve to live and I'm sure that me telling you that you do won't make any difference but I'll say it anyway. I wish you had someone to comfort and soothe you through the difficult times that you're facing.

More and more I realized that this is just a transitional space for people a simple bus stop on their journey.

With that I still have a regret that I wasn't able to talk to you more But I respect your decision that no more interaction in this world seems worth.

If you ever change your mind we will try to be here And talk with you as long as possible Or as long as we can endure I suppose.

A lot of us are in a similar headspace to Yours I suppose.

Reality is really painful to us.

You have my empathy and respect here's a virtual /hug

 

[qonav]

Even in cases like cancer it's very difficult for people to see the internal damage going on a lot of the time and unless the doctor directly tells them that their family member is going to die they will never Usually come to that realization. I have diagnosed nerve damage but on the outside I look completely fine And people's perspective on this sort of thing is sort of the final word. In that regard mental trauma and a lot of medical conditions end up lying out pretty similarly. People just can't see the suffering that you're going through.


I wouldn't feel any obligation to do anything for society outside of what you want to do yourself. There's huge social pressure to get everyone in university And well educated without realizing that it sort of devalues everyone as a whole some more people pursuing certain career paths. You see it all the time Where an entire family ends up going into a single career path be it the medical field or some other endeavor. No one ever wants to take risks and follow other dreams and do the things that they thought would truly make them happy. To be honest I failed at all the risky endeavors that I've tried but at the end of the day I guess I'm glad that at least I took them. They just didn't workout.

I don't wanna sound preachy but You don't deserve the suffering that you're going through And I hope that you realize that. I'm sorry that you feel like you don't deserve to live and I'm sure that me telling you that you do won't make any difference but I'll say it anyway. I wish you had someone to comfort and soothe you through the difficult times that you're facing.

More and more I realized that this is just a transitional space for people a simple bus stop on their journey.

With that I still have a regret that I wasn't able to talk to you more But I respect your decision that no more interaction in this world seems worth.

If you ever change your mind we will try to be here And talk with you as long as possible Or as long as we can endure I suppose.

A lot of us are in a similar headspace to Yours I suppose.

Reality is really painful to us.

You have my empathy and respect here's a virtual /hug

I'm sorry people are unable to acknowledge your pain and illness, I know it's frustrating. I meant that with visible terminal diseases people tend to be more sympathetic and accommodate for their loved ones, to try and make their life better and not dismiss their pain, while the same cannot be said for suicidal people or those with depression.
Everyone wonders how someone could've killed themselves, "it came out of nowhere" or "how could they be so selfish" I don't think it's the same for the aforementioned conditions, the pain of a depressed person is so deep and sorrowful, so lonely yet completely invisible therefore disregarded, "Out of sight out of mind" and such.

I wanted to go to university because I enjoy learning, I wanted to be a diplomat when I was younger or a Vet, vastly different from each other, I know. I just wish I had the support of my family, that they didn't discourage all my choices and throw me to the side when my depresion made me unable to leave the bed.
Of course, I also wanted to feel like someone, since early childhood my parents made it clear I am completely worthless and even more so with no studies to my name to speak of. I wanted the money to live somewhere else, far away, I wanted to have a small cottage where I could raise chickens and grow my own crops, to think of something like that made me happy, but I think it's not possible for someone like me.

You don't sound preachy, your words are very kind, I also hope you can find someone to soothe the solitude and pain.
Thank you for taking time to write such thoughtful words to me.

 

[marsupialmarsupial]

are you in the US? where can i purchase SN?

 

[qonav]

are you in the US? where can i purchase SN?

I'm not from North America.

 

[ppie41]

I bought 1kg of SN, It's just that easy in the shithole country I am from, so I guess in a way i'm lucky.
I cut off my friends today and blocked everyone, the guy I had been talking to as well (a 3 year online situationship that has been ruining me slowly).
Even in the last conversation I had with him he kept saying how he was frustrated with all of this and just repeating "you shouldnt do it" over and over, I reassured him it doesn't have anything to do with him, even though it obviously does.

Wanting to be loved and feel loved, thats been my biggest desire for my whole life, my parents never provided affection to me, besides putting a roof over my head and feeding me.
When I dropped out of HS there was noone to support me through it, I'm 22 and It's one of my life's biggest regrets.
I've never been with a guy, never had sex, never held hands, kissed, etc. I've wanted love my whole life but someone as low as me seems unfit to recieve it somehow. I didn't want sex, just a pure romance, a deep connection.

My close friends just parrot the "don't do it" "I'll give you your space" "you'll regret this" all of these phrases just hurt even more, I wonder if their possition and view of life is that far removed from my own, why does no one seem to understand my pain? Even though I've explained to them some of my traumas - (I'm not going to go in depth about it here but my life and early childhood were nothing but abuse and parents neglect) - why do they parrot those lines over and over. Even stuff like "don't do this to me" "this will ruin my life" etc.
In these moments I just wanted to hear an "I love you" from him. He says it's too much for him (he struggles with his own problems).
For my parents and family to hug me and tell me they love me, that they will help me, instead of blaming me and making fun of me.
For my friends to reach out.

I just wanted someone to save me. Someone to soothe me, to make me feel like I matter and I deserve to live.
I just hope I don't chicken-out and take the SN this week. Life is suffering, brief moments of respite seem to be there just to make the suffering once again greater, so that you don't feel too comfortable in your pain. To make it unbearable and maddening once again. To make the loneliness and CPTSD come back and sting once more, stronger each time a bit more than the last.

Why does everyone deny this pain? Why is it that I need to be visiblly ill (i.e: cancer) to be taken into account? For people to stop saying "It gets better"?
I don't believe suicide is a choice because suicide is the only choice for those who have nothing else. Just like a terminal cancer patient isn't choosing to die or recieve euthanasia, why is it that this suffering is acknoledged but not the suffering of the deeply suicidal?

I told everyone it wasn't their fault because I don't want to hurt them any more than me killing myself would, but in a way it is, isn't it? I just don't want to admit it.
I don't resent anyone anymore, I just feel this deep excrutiating pain.

I wish I could've gone to University to make something of myself, that I could start gardening and foreging and exploring nature, I wish all of these things were possible for me but they arent.

I wonder if I should write a final apology to the people in my life, a message of reassurance that it wasn't their fault as I dont wish for them to carry this pain and blame themselves.
And I hope I can just die peacefully. I wish I could've recived a hug during my final moments.

This is beautiful. You are beautiful. Your words have moved me. I hope that whatever choice you make treats you kindly, and that you will one day be free of your suffering, no matter how you achieve that.

Safe travels <3

 

[qonav]

Idk I've kinda come to the conclusion most people are NPCs.

I could point out simple truths at 8 years old and even adults around me would fail to understand.

I've had psychedelic experiences where I feel like everything is really just me and 1 other consciousness interacting with each other, a bit like the matrix and this other consciousness basically just wants to fuck with me for eternity. DMT jesters etc.

I try to avoid thinking about it cause it'd just drive me schizo. Doesn't make it any less painful when I think about my friends and family.

He's always one step ahead. No matter what.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

I think that most people are uninterested and cruel but I wouldn't call them "NPCs", I think people that call others NPCs and normies, etc have some sort of self aggrandizing world view that directly contributes to their lonliness and pain. I'm not saying this is you specifically just why I personally disagree with using that term in any serious conversation even with yourself.
I think other people are like a building where you can see each window light up, just because you can't see inside the living room, see wether they have a tv or a chandelier or a coin collection doesn't mean that it isn't there. Just because we only see the window on a building doesnt mean that there's nothing else besides a window.

I don't know what DMT jesters are because I've never taken psychedelics but it sounds like what you are experiencing is psychosis/schizophrenia, I don't know what treatments or relief there is for this, I hope you can find something that will help. I am not a doctor so it's just my unqualified opinion, but because you shared it on my post I would like to help.
I'm sorry you are in pain as well.

I wish you the best with your plans, I imagine must had been a relief to be able to access the SN so easily, I hope you find freedom from your suffering.

I mean no offense but why is it that you felt the need to comment on my post a generic statement like this when I expressed my discomfort with platitudes from the beginning?
A generic message like this is no different from "Don't do it" just from the other side of the spectrum. I enjoyed reading the other messages the users sent because they were soothing and I felt a connection but this message felt completely empty of meaning and emotion.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

I hate it when I hear friends say that kind of stuff to people who struggle with suicide. Probably it's because they had no experience with it themselves and just want you to live but just make it worse by saying some shit that is just selfish and not understanding at all. Life really sucks but we all always will love you bc I can relate to you so much and will stand by your side until you have to go catch the bus yk unless you want to miss it that'd be also fine. Hope everything works out the way you want it

 

[qonav]

I hate it when I hear friends say that kind of stuff to people who struggle with suicide. Probably it's because they had no experience with it themselves and just want you to live but just make it worse by saying some shit that is just selfish and not understanding at all. Life really sucks but we all always will love you bc I can relate to you so much and will stand by your side until you have to go catch the bus yk unless you want to miss it that'd be also fine. Hope everything works out the way you want it

I understand that it's hard for them thats why it feels so cruel to even say it. I think suicide and deep depression are incomprehensible for those who haven't experienced it but it still hurts when they say such things after you share a particularly emotion in a tender moment and their response is so crude.
You are very sweet and I hope everything works the way you want it as well.

 

[SovietSuicide]

I think that most people are uninterested and cruel but I wouldn't call them "NPCs", I think people that call others NPCs and normies, etc have some sort of self aggrandizing world view that directly contributes to their lonliness and pain. I'm not saying this is you specifically just why I personally disagree with using that term in any serious conversation even with yourself.
I think other people are like a building where you can see each window light up, just because you can't see inside the living room, see wether they have a tv or a chandelier or a coin collection doesn't mean that it isn't there. Just because we only see the window on a building doesnt mean that there's nothing else besides a window.

I don't know what DMT jesters are because I've never taken psychedelics but it sounds like what you are experiencing is psychosis/schizophrenia, I don't know what treatments or relief there is for this, I hope you can find something that will help. I am not a doctor so it's just my unqualified opinion, but because you shared it on my post I would like to help.
I'm sorry you are in pain as well.

I mean no offense but why is it that you felt the need to comment on my post a generic statement like this when I expressed my discomfort with platitudes from the beginning?
A generic message like this is no different from "Don't do it" just from the other side of the spectrum. I enjoyed reading the other messages the users sent because they were soothing and I felt a connection but this message felt completely empty of meaning and emotion.

The DMT jesters are an archetypal psychedelic experience where the mind of god gives you the middle finger.

I'm saying I feel as if the mind of God has always given me the middle finger throughout my life.

I'm not schizophrenic, I don't experience hallucinations outside of psychedelic consumption.

"Self aggrandizing" views of the world are natural in the sense that you're the main character of your life.