Venting Optimist worldview, despite being suicidal

[JohnnyBGoode]

I'm not exactly confident in my ability to read the greater collective conscience of this community, and to that end, I'm not sure if anything I state in this post could be seen as controversial. I'd just like to stress that I try not to judge people for seeing the world differently and I respect as many opinions as possible, to a certain extent, regardless of how contrary they are to mine.

As the title states, I'd consider myself an optimist. As with all arbitrary labels, its meaning changes depending on who beholds it, but I interpret it as a passionate belief that time can and will show itself to be kind. I even believe in many of those pithy statements, such as 'things will always get better', that I'm sure many people here have heard before. I just don't think the concept of a 'brighter future' is some kind of immutable universal constant that a lot of mentally stable people seem to believe it to be. As a victim of vicious child abuse up until adulthood, I felt greatly insulted to be told something like 'it can only get better', although now I can at least appreciate its benevolent intentions. Even though I was able to escape at 18 (I'm 29 now), I'm still miserable, just a different kind of miserable...which means it never did get better. I'm a recluse, dysphoric schizophrenic, walking in a body I hate and fighting a mind I barely feel I own. There's really no optimistic spin on my atrophied life. So then, why do I still feel so strongly optimistic?

I don't know. I very honestly don't know. Inside me, there's a deep love for the world. I cannot bring myself to hate when the existence around me beats with a sincere passion and joy... I can only feel a weak jealousy that I could not participate. I can't even bring myself envy the happy, I can only hope greatly for their happiness' longevity. The world is plentiful with the beauty of nature, of ingenuity, of artisanship, of talent. My favorite is passion; I respect nothing more than passion...I wish I had the will to use what little I had left.

With that being said, I suspect a lot of people here are nihilists, or at least show nihilistic traits...that's reasonable. I know how you feel. I genuinely wish you could be happy. I wish you could be greater than just happy. I'm sorry you aren't. It's all pithy and worthless, I know. Every post I read on this site breaks my heart. It especially hurts to see how many young women are on here. I am transmasc AFAB (assigned female at birth; born a woman, but I identify as a man), so I can especially empathise with such hurt. While I think people do deserve the right to commit suicide (I wouldn't be here if I didn't) I hope that it doesn't come to that for any of you. I desperately hope you find what flickering of hope can possibly shine in your darkness, and you live long enough to experience the happiness you truly do deserve.

Every day is suffering. This post is very rambly at this point and I'm getting emotional writing it, but I feel that's in the nature of this board. I know my time is coming soon, perhaps even by January, so I just want to get a lot of my Earthly feelings out before they die with me. I'd also like to consider this research in a macabre way, because I'm working on a... I wouldn't call it a manifesto per se, but it's beyond a suicide note. It's more like a long, emotional prose. I was always loved writing, but regretedly I only ever wrote lesbian smut (It was pretty good, though), and my friends never really paid attention to my poetry, so I'd like my final contribution to this world to be a piece of writing.

 

[Chemi]

That is a totally okay and understandable worldview, and I agree with you for the most part. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Whale_bones]

I relate to a lot of what you say. For many people, things do get better; they go through temporary situations which (no matter how awful they may be) are just that, temporary- and then they go on to have a neutral or good quality of life after that. I think that's why so many people use that phrase, they're thinking of passing situations in their own lives and how it didn't last for them.

That just discounts the reality that many other people have a permanently low quality of life and chronic, unfixable suffering, from things like severe disease, repeated trauma they have no way to avoid/escape, living in poverty and having no way to meet their basic needs, or a host of other things. Those who go through life never experiencing that have the luxury of just not thinking about it or recognizing it. And if you aren't forced to face those things yourself, I think the human mind is not really designed to ponder them. It makes people very uncomfortable and they don't have any reason to press themselves to consider it, because it's not necessary for their own lives and sense of well-being.

I also respect many things about life that I can't take part in. Art, music, nature, human connection. I recognize that there are many beautiful and wondrous things in the world, I just have no possible way to take part in them myself. I rarely envy people's happiness either, because if I were them I would want to be happy, so there's no reason for me to wish ill on them. The only times I feel disgust for people's happiness is when it's people who get their enjoyment at the cost of harming others. But there's plenty of good, kind people in the world who happen to have a good life too, and I don't resent them for that. I would never want them to know and experience what I do.

I'm really sorry life has been so cruel to you and that you've lost nearly all the passion you once had, it is the same for me. But I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on here, and especially for those of us considering CTB, I think it's all the more worthy and important to atleast have some connection with others who understand.

 

[itsgone2]

There's really no optimistic spin on my atrophied life. So then, why do I still feel so strongly optimistic?

I don't know. I very honestly don't know. Inside me, there's a deep love for the world. I cannot bring myself to hate when the existence around me beats with a sincere passion and joy... I can only feel a weak jealousy that I could not participate

I live in the US. Every metric related to middle class living shows that it's shrinking. The American dream is disappearing. You're increasingly either rich enough to not notice, or having to just make ends meet. I don't see anything different in other countries. I'm negative tyyu