Optimism in suicide

[Blutsager]

Hi guys,

I hope you are all doing well. Or more, I wish you would.

So, as we are facing the end-times, I contemplate more and more suicide. I have SN at home, or I could just jump. Sadly as I live with my mom I won't leave her, I won't do something as horrible as killing myself and making her carry with the guilt. This is awful, honestly, because I know my life will become a living hell, all of us will, and she will still hold me tight to this life rather than accept to leave, or perhaps she will accept it only after so much pain and suffering... that will undoubtedly happen. That horror does unquestionably await us ahead.

I guess the only thing left to do now for me is to find optimism in looking forward to the day I may finally ctb, once she is dead, and I have nothing else forcing me to stay here. And I want optimism for that moment. Any of you optimistics about your CTB? about your suicide? I wanna hear from you. Perhaps also those of you who are optimistics about this life, if any exist in this place, but honestly I ain't sure if I will listen to you. So instead optimism about death may be more pleasurable.

Thank you all for reading, and thanks to those who make this page possible aswell.

 

[gus.nixon]

I'm very optimistic about my own suicide. I haven't been this excited in years. Right now I'm just trying to gather everything necessary to pull it off. I, too am going with the SN method, although N sounds pretty good too.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I can't see anything optimistic nor in my life nor in my death.
Suffering will hopefully stop with death but I won't know about it.

 

[Deathcabforugly]

I'm in the same kind of situation. I'm still here for my mom but I want to have the things in place on the day she is no longer here to finally ctb. If reincarnation is real, I look forward to the innocents of youth again

 

[Blutsager]

I'm very optimistic about my own suicide. I haven't been this excited in years. Right now I'm just trying to gather everything necessary to pull it off. I, too am going with the SN method, although N sounds pretty good too.

Indeed, N would be beautiful, but sadly I will never get access to it. As for SN, well... I got the SN, that was easy, but now I realize I need to do more, and are hesitant about it. First of all, I need to get an aquarium test to check if it's pure enough. That is terrifying, because on the one hand the possibility the test comes out negative, and I dread I may not be able to get any more SN. Or that I need to do this test while in quarantine with my mom, who I don't want her to get suspicious. Also, if the test comes out well, I need to transfer this SN to a better container cause right now it's on a bag all covered in duct tape and it's not fully air-tight. Some have told me not to worry too much about it here, specially since I have 2 kilos. I guess i could take the SN on the center of the package, so if that on the edges was eexposed to oxygen the center may be pure enough. Lastly I would need the antiemetic which I can't get without a medical certificate, and I am kind of scared of all that: getting in touch with a doctor online to fake symtoms and get a recipe, and then I would have to actually go to a pharmacy to buy it, something I don't wanna do now.
But I am so glad you are so optimistic about your ctb! That is great to hear. I would love to hear more of that from you.

I'm in the same kind of situation. I'm still here for my mom but I want to have the things in place on the day she is no longer here to finally ctb. If reincarnation is real, I look forward to the innocents of youth again

Yeah... damn that's the hardest part I think. To know I will have to accompany her through the horrors to come. You know, when my city collapses into endless riots, food shortages, blackouts, water runs out, we stand there, cold, in a corner, in our knees praying for a miracle that shall never come. And only then, finally, perhaps of starvation will she die. With some luck all this won't happen cause she will get infected and die of the disease sooner, but who knows. All I know is, that this events will happen, I just wish we are dead before it does.

 

[gus.nixon]

There are people selling Nembutal on the dark web. Whether or not it's the real deal is the $40,000 question.
This is the first I've heard of the aquarium test to check the purity of sodium nitrite...

 

[Deathcabforugly]

Indeed, N would be beautiful, but sadly I will never get access to it. As for SN, well... I got the SN, that was easy, but now I realize I need to do more, and are hesitant about it. First of all, I need to get an aquarium test to check if it's pure enough. That is terrifying, because on the one hand the possibility the test comes out negative, and I dread I may not be able to get any more SN. Or that I need to do this test while in quarantine with my mom, who I don't want her to get suspicious. Also, if the test comes out well, I need to transfer this SN to a better container cause right now it's on a bag all covered in duct tape and it's not fully air-tight. Some have told me not to worry too much about it here, specially since I have 2 kilos. I guess i could take the SN on the center of the package, so if that on the edges was eexposed to oxygen the center may be pure enough. Lastly I would need the antiemetic which I can't get without a medical certificate, and I am kind of scared of all that: getting in touch with a doctor online to fake symtoms and get a recipe, and then I would have to actually go to a pharmacy to buy it, something I don't wanna do now.
But I am so glad you are so optimistic about your ctb! That is great to hear. I would love to hear more of that from you.


Yeah... damn that's the hardest part I think. To know I will have to accompany her through the horrors to come. You know, when my city collapses into endless riots, food shortages, blackouts, water runs out, we stand there, cold, in a corner, in our knees praying for a miracle that shall never come. And only then, finally, perhaps of starvation will she die. With some luck all this won't happen cause she will get infected and die of the disease sooner, but who knows. All I know is, that this events will happen, I just wish we are dead before it does.

I'm a Christian too. You really think this is the end? I'm not smart enough to know anything about that

 

[Blutsager]

There are people selling Nembutal on the dark web. Whether or not it's the real deal is the $40,000 question.
This is the first I've heard of the aquarium test to check the purity of sodium nitrite...

Yeah, but sadly they are most certainly fake. And now there is no one out there to test them. Y'know, I wish I just had a gun, it would make things so much easier.

But regardless! I think SN is a good method as it is, if I was brave enough to get the rest of the meds and to test it's purity. I just wish I could leave this city now and get a job in a farm, to at least spend a few weeks working on the countryside, looking at nature and green and ridding myself of my material desires and my consumerist addiction. I always considered myself humble, but now I wish I was truly humble: living in an isolated community, not that I hope they would be safe of all of that is happening, but to be surrounded by true community, by people I would truly care for and we could all die together more happy.

Well, it will never happen now. I guess it is what it is. For the time being, I don't even know what to hope anymore.

 

[gus.nixon]

Why do you have to test the SN? Did you buy it from a commercial vendor or some back-alley sodium nitrite pusher?
Also, do you really think it's overly optimistic to think that people selling N on the dark web are selling fake stuff? I was going to buy 20g and give it a spin..

 

[Blutsager]

I'm a Christian too. You really think this is the end? I'm not smart enough to know anything about that

Well, honestly, no, I do not think this are the end-times, perhaps not in a biblical sense. I don't think all of humanity will be whipped out. But death will become massive, and alongside it, the suffering will be too much to handle. At least for me. I think. I really hope, that my survival instinct doesn't stop me, that my mind remains clear on the suffering that awaits me and as such that i don't hold myself back once my mom is dead to do what it takes to kill myself and end it all before the horrors to come strike us in earnest.

My christian friend, I hope you meet your end soon. That it is swift. And then we'll meet on the afterlife.

Why do you have to test the SN? Did you buy it from a commercial vendor or some back-alley sodium nitrite pusher?
Also, do you really think it's overly optimistic to think that people selling N on the dark web are selling fake stuff? I was going to buy 20g and give it a spin..

I bought it from a commercial vendor, but I mean, you never know. This isn't like a worlwide supplier of SN, just a small seller that usually supplies butchers and the like. I imagine it is good. But also I need to test it cause as I said it ain't airtight and who knows if it's ruined now.

Oh I dunno, my friend. I mean I have heard a lot of posts about being scammed with N so I can't know anymore. Specially cause we can't test the N to tell if it's good. So I guess, if you got the cash, go for it! And then you do your typical SN method but after taking the SN you also take N? ask if the mix wouldn't be negative and ruin the effects or something.

 

[William Barker]

According to stan's guide, all you really need is the SN. Everything else is just for comfort/peace of mind.

"The essential component is the SN. Everything else is meant to make the process easier for you and to minimise any possible symptoms and discomfort."

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

 

[Blutsager]

According to stan's guide, all you really need is the SN. Everything else is just for comfort/peace of mind.

"The essential component is the SN. Everything else is meant to make the process easier for you and to minimise any possible symptoms and discomfort."

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

Oh yeah, indeed, but many have warned me about puking and that it is a possibility that without other things it seems likely I will puke and fail.

By the way, I see in your photo behind you a rather simple house, and green?. I hope that is your home, that you are leaving in a place of simplicity and surrounded by nature now. I envy you should that be the case.

 

[William Barker]

Oh yeah, indeed, but many have warned me about puking and that it is a possibility that without other things it seems likely I will puke and fail.

By the way, I see in your photo behind you a rather simple house, and green?. I hope that is your home, that you are leaving in a place of simplicity and surrounded by nature now. I envy you should that be the case.

Trust me, my home is a squalor. I'll show you pics if you want.

But according to stan, you can puke and still be successful at ctb.

Moonie puked twice and still ctb, so who can really say what all helps and what doesn't?

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/first-ever-sn-documentation.29734/

 

[gus.nixon]

In another post, somebody said that mixing SN with opiates was a bad idea. Can anyone confirm or refute this? I think the SN method would go a lot better for me if I was super high first.

 

[William Barker]

My plan for when I say eff it.

 

[Musketeer]

Hi guys,

I hope you are all doing well. Or more, I wish you would.

So, as we are facing the end-times, I contemplate more and more suicide. I have SN at home, or I could just jump. Sadly as I live with my mom I won't leave her, I won't do something as horrible as killing myself and making her carry with the guilt. This is awful, honestly, because I know my life will become a living hell, all of us will, and she will still hold me tight to this life rather than accept to leave, or perhaps she will accept it only after so much pain and suffering... that will undoubtedly happen. That horror does unquestionably await us ahead.

I guess the only thing left to do now for me is to find optimism in looking forward to the day I may finally ctb, once she is dead, and I have nothing else forcing me to stay here. And I want optimism for that moment. Any of you optimistics about your CTB? about your suicide? I wanna hear from you. Perhaps also those of you who are optimistics about this life, if any exist in this place, but honestly I ain't sure if I will listen to you. So instead optimism about death may be more pleasurable.

Thank you all for reading, and thanks to those who make this page possible aswell.

Honestly my entire life has been a shitshow, my entire life will always be a shit show, between medical, physical, and emotional abuse. The Brain damage I suffer from, there's nothing to look forward to but the sweet embrace of death.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Yeah, but sadly they are most certainly fake. And now there is no one out there to test them. Y'know, I wish I just had a gun, it would make things so much easier.

But regardless! I think SN is a good method as it is, if I was brave enough to get the rest of the meds and to test it's purity. I just wish I could leave this city now and get a job in a farm, to at least spend a few weeks working on the countryside, looking at nature and green and ridding myself of my material desires and my consumerist addiction. I always considered myself humble, but now I wish I was truly humble: living in an isolated community, not that I hope they would be safe of all of that is happening, but to be surrounded by true community, by people I would truly care for and we could all die together more happy.

Well, it will never happen now. I guess it is what it is. For the time being, I don't even know what to hope anymore.

No they are not fake. There are legitimate sellers.

 

[yetme]

Hi guys,

I hope you are all doing well. Or more, I wish you would.

So, as we are facing the end-times, I contemplate more and more suicide. I have SN at home, or I could just jump. Sadly as I live with my mom I won't leave her, I won't do something as horrible as killing myself and making her carry with the guilt. This is awful, honestly, because I know my life will become a living hell, all of us will, and she will still hold me tight to this life rather than accept to leave, or perhaps she will accept it only after so much pain and suffering... that will undoubtedly happen. That horror does unquestionably await us ahead.

you're very lucky to have caring mother. so that's one reason to live. if you woke up lived through today without severe pain there's another.

Indeed, N would be beautiful, but sadly I will never get access to it. As for SN, well... I got the SN, that was easy, but now I realize I need to do more, and are hesitant about it. First of all, I need to get an aquarium test to check if it's pure enough. That is terrifying, because on the one hand the possibility the test comes out negative, and I dread I may not be able to get any more SN. Or that I need to do this test while in quarantine with my mom, who I don't want her to get suspicious. Also, if the test comes out well, I need to transfer this SN to a better container cause right now it's on a bag all covered in duct tape and it's not fully air-tight. Some have told me not to worry too much about it here, specially since I have 2 kilos. I guess i could take the SN on the center of the package, so if that on the edges was eexposed to oxygen the center may be pure enough.

don't worry about SN. it looses it's potency only when it comes in contact with water. oxygene doesn't degrade it

 

[jgm63]

Yeah, but sadly they are most certainly fake. And now there is no one out there to test them. Y'know, I wish I just had a gun, it would make things so much easier.

But regardless! I think SN is a good method as it is, if I was brave enough to get the rest of the meds and to test it's purity. I just wish I could leave this city now and get a job in a farm, to at least spend a few weeks working on the countryside, looking at nature and green and ridding myself of my material desires and my consumerist addiction. I always considered myself humble, but now I wish I was truly humble: living in an isolated community, not that I hope they would be safe of all of that is happening, but to be surrounded by true community, by people I would truly care for and we could all die together more happy.

Well, it will never happen now. I guess it is what it is. For the time being, I don't even know what to hope anymore.

N has been ordered from dark net, and tested by a laboratory. This has been done by multiple people.....

 

[Erase.myself]

Hi guys,

I hope you are all doing well. Or more, I wish you would.

So, as we are facing the end-times, I contemplate more and more suicide. I have SN at home, or I could just jump. Sadly as I live with my mom I won't leave her, I won't do something as horrible as killing myself and making her carry with the guilt. This is awful, honestly, because I know my life will become a living hell, all of us will, and she will still hold me tight to this life rather than accept to leave, or perhaps she will accept it only after so much pain and suffering... that will undoubtedly happen. That horror does unquestionably await us ahead.

I guess the only thing left to do now for me is to find optimism in looking forward to the day I may finally ctb, once she is dead, and I have nothing else forcing me to stay here. And I want optimism for that moment. Any of you optimistics about your CTB? about your suicide? I wanna hear from you. Perhaps also those of you who are optimistics about this life, if any exist in this place, but honestly I ain't sure if I will listen to you. So instead optimism about death may be more pleasurable.

Thank you all for reading, and thanks to those who make this page possible aswell.

*Huge hugs* to you. I am sorry that you are facing this extremely difficult conundrum of wanting to CTB, but also not wanting your mother to be in pain from your death..I definitely hear you on this for sure. You know of my recent ctb thread where I backed out of drinking the SN 8 minutes before it was time, and I know I mentioned strange naesea from the Meto (so fucking weird), however, I also started crying on the phone to my friend about my mom and how hurt she would be. My twin sister died almost one year ago, and my father died in 2009 and currently my mom expresses her feelings of intense loss, grief, and abandonment and loneliness. I think that's a huge thing that stopped be before I followed through with CTB. FUCK

In regards to your question about feeling optimistic about ones death ....I for sure feel that way. Interesting thing is that two days ago when I was booking hotel and gathering supplies to CTB I felt a little nervous in my stomach. But once I was walking to hotel and almost there I felt so so much relief, excited anticipation, carefree and happy. Happy for this all to end and for my aching heart to take its final beat. I hadn't been that happy in so long.

Wish I could go back in time and drink it....but like you said in response was that maybe it's not my time and I'll know when it is.

Im so sorry for what you are dealing with right now, and that you feel that you have to wait when you're suffering so much. My apologies for writing an essay. Sending you lots of hugs, my friend.