Venting (Opinion) Being partly suicidal is more difficult than being 100% suicidal

[skylar160]

My life is tough right now and the only thing keeping me going is a tiny hope that things will get better and I will win my criminal case. But it feels so far away and out of my control. It's hard to keep living because I'm not sure if it will even matter in the end. I can't get excited for the future because I don't know if my life is going to be ruined. I already have been unemployed for 2 years due to my charges. It's been so long that I stopped believing that I will win. I'm not ready to ctb yet because I'm not 100% sure it will end poorly or not. If I at least knew 100% if I was going to prison I could ctb right now. The only thing I have to look forward in my life is getting high.

 

[default]

this is unfortunately too real, i dont have a criminal case but im like 95% suicidal cause i have a tiny tiny bit of hope things will be better, but with each passing day i lose that hope. im almost at my final days where i just cant handle things anymore and ctb. its like you live for that small bit of hope, but torture yourself throughout the days not knowing what the true outcome is gonna be

 

[_Gollum_]

Having been both at different times in my life, I concur. Because at least when I was firmly, actively suicidal, I could console myself with the knowledge that my suffering was about to end, that I just had to hold on until my planned date, and then I could be in peace. Peace is coming, I always used to tell myself. Now, I have no idea for how much longer I will have to suffer, and I feel powerless to do anything about it.

 

[Apokryphiel]

It's that lingering hope that just continues to get crushed over and over again.

 

[venerated-vader]

Being partly suicidal is the worst, and regaining this massive bout of hope every so often is genuine torture. I at least know when I'm dead, I won't need to be tortured. If there was a magical solution, it might be worth staying. But honestly, am I going to wait for my answer to 'can i get better' indefinitely? I'll never reach a point where there isn't some bit of hope, because no matter how upset I am, I know things change. Sure, I might get better... but I'll get worse again. And so on.

I'd rather convince myself to leave than stay. I know myself-- it'll happen eventually, and this year seems like a great opportunity given how shit I feel.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I can definitely see where you're coming from. Now that I'm 100% clear on my intentions, method, and date, I feel a certain calmness. In the past when I was just passively suicidal the thoughts would be very sporadic. Looking back it definitely had a negative impact on my mood.

 

[fringesoflife]

I understand where your coming from. I wish I had no hope at all so I could just pull the trigger and be done with. For what it's worth I hope you win your case and are able to find employment again.