Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 584
title
It's quite odd how, according to society, one only CTBs when they're in a crisis or irrational. In my experience it's quite the opposite. I can only really be hopeful when I'm outright delusional, and detached from reality. Realistically, it's just fucking over, it's just that my death will be in my 70's or something.
I know that, yet my brain irrationally thinks that shit will just go well. I think the world will end (as in, whatever would utterly destroy human society as we know it) pretty soon; I could point to various reasons, and why I might be wrong, clarifying that it's just a possibility. But with this optimism that I've been born with, it's just irrationality. Why would/could things get better? Literally nothing but this feeling, really? Yes, anything's possible... I could even win the lottery or somehow become the president! But it's not gonna happen.
That's the way the real world works. I find myself getting excited for things, thinking "Ah, this is why I live", only to fail or otherwise be unable to do so. It's insufferable, the cycle of hope and disappointment over and over again. People will tell me to just have hope etc as if anything would come of it.
I'd like to stop being so stupid, so vulnerable to these delusions; that false view that I can do anything and have power, when I'm just a fucking looser. I see the facts, the patterns, compute predictions, but no matter, they tell me to ignore it all. They tell me that I'm special, really?
Failing again and again.
I always needed somewhat special treatment, attention, help, etc due to my autism. They cope and cope about how it's just o k . Ppl will just throw me away when they can't afford me anymore, when they can't put up the act any longer. I'm only a liability, a burden. People try to fix and change but only end up unable. Twice the opportunity for a relationship was on my lap, and I though "ahh, everything will be fixed", only to fumble the ball due to those very problems I imagined getting patched.
Here, I see people who's entire lives where horrid and torture since birth. I know pro-lifers who'd tell them to imagine their lives suddenly becoming perfect, like that delusion itself will become real, or that they just had to do "X, Y, and Z", etc etc.
Climbing up is a REAL struggle, luck-based, limited, and sometimes it's outright impossible. This is really one of the few places I can talk openly before getting shut down, talked over, dismissed, etc. Those people will just say I'm crazy and send me to a psych ward or something; limit, control, etc.
No amount of therapy and drugs can rly fix my defective brain! What will they do then!?!!??
Ahh... Ahhh.... That was a bit.
I'm disappointed in this world. A damn suicide forum is the only place I can find closure for these things.
how was my writing? Was it any good?
It's quite odd how, according to society, one only CTBs when they're in a crisis or irrational. In my experience it's quite the opposite. I can only really be hopeful when I'm outright delusional, and detached from reality. Realistically, it's just fucking over, it's just that my death will be in my 70's or something.
I know that, yet my brain irrationally thinks that shit will just go well. I think the world will end (as in, whatever would utterly destroy human society as we know it) pretty soon; I could point to various reasons, and why I might be wrong, clarifying that it's just a possibility. But with this optimism that I've been born with, it's just irrationality. Why would/could things get better? Literally nothing but this feeling, really? Yes, anything's possible... I could even win the lottery or somehow become the president! But it's not gonna happen.
That's the way the real world works. I find myself getting excited for things, thinking "Ah, this is why I live", only to fail or otherwise be unable to do so. It's insufferable, the cycle of hope and disappointment over and over again. People will tell me to just have hope etc as if anything would come of it.
I'd like to stop being so stupid, so vulnerable to these delusions; that false view that I can do anything and have power, when I'm just a fucking looser. I see the facts, the patterns, compute predictions, but no matter, they tell me to ignore it all. They tell me that I'm special, really?
Failing again and again.
I always needed somewhat special treatment, attention, help, etc due to my autism. They cope and cope about how it's just o k . Ppl will just throw me away when they can't afford me anymore, when they can't put up the act any longer. I'm only a liability, a burden. People try to fix and change but only end up unable. Twice the opportunity for a relationship was on my lap, and I though "ahh, everything will be fixed", only to fumble the ball due to those very problems I imagined getting patched.
Here, I see people who's entire lives where horrid and torture since birth. I know pro-lifers who'd tell them to imagine their lives suddenly becoming perfect, like that delusion itself will become real, or that they just had to do "X, Y, and Z", etc etc.
Climbing up is a REAL struggle, luck-based, limited, and sometimes it's outright impossible. This is really one of the few places I can talk openly before getting shut down, talked over, dismissed, etc. Those people will just say I'm crazy and send me to a psych ward or something; limit, control, etc.
No amount of therapy and drugs can rly fix my defective brain! What will they do then!?!!??
Ahh... Ahhh.... That was a bit.
I'm disappointed in this world. A damn suicide forum is the only place I can find closure for these things.
how was my writing? Was it any good?
