omgisthatashley
Improving or Improvising?
- Oct 17, 2022
- 18
Trigger Warning: whining like a little bitch
For the longest time my catchphrase has been "shit happens". But like, I feel like it has to stop happening eventually right? Theres only so much shit, and only so many assholes to produce it, so what the fuck, why do I get so much of it? And why does it keep getting worse???
Born? Meh, shit happens. To everyone in fact.
Mom leaves? Shit happens, plenty of people have one parent.
Faggot? Pretty unlucky but hey, shit happens.
Bullied? Everyone gets bullied, im not special for it, that shit happens.
5150 at 11? Happens to the best of us. Shit, that is.
Cheated on? Well, maybe if I was a better partner shit wouldnt happen.
Move to another state because everyone thinks im a terrible person? Be a better person and again, shit wouldnt happen.
Abusive partner? Just dont let her abuse you and shit wont happen.
Covid senior? Be born sooner, shit wont happen.
TRANNY??? Probably the unluckiest shit on here but I mean, who's fault is that really? Im the one that got brainwashed by the evil woke leftist mob alphabet mafia satanist blm cult after all.
Forced to quit job cuz transphobic coworkers? Problem: normal people dont like you because youre a fucking disgusting weirdo pervert groomer pedophile. Solution: dont be a fuckinhg disgusting weirdo pervert groomer pedophile.
Attempt that leads to gf ghosting me the day I get out of the hospital, and a year of constant 5150s? Do it right next time and shit will literally never happen again.
Diagnosed with MDD w/ psychosis symptoms? Eh, im sure its bullshit and that shit happens to everyone; doctors make mistakes all the time.
So that diagnosis wouldve been about ~1.5 years ago, and I had (up until recently) been doing alot better. But now, not only do I feel like those "psychosis symptoms" are developing into just straight up schizophrenia, but I'm also now finding out that when people talk about their subconscious like "oh yeah it told me this" or "the little angel and devil on my shoulder" or "yeah I can always hear it" they dont mean literally hearing your own voice reminding you of every flaw you have and every mistake youve ever made and how everyone is staring at you and how everyone notices every little thing I hate about myself and how they dont want to talk to or say hi to me and that I am literally forcing them at gunpoint to interact with me and how theyre squirming uncomfortably and searching for any escape from my vicinity and that once i finally set them free I should never talk to or look at anyone ever again and I should hate myself every second of every day for this single interaction specifically (as well as everything else of course).
It gets to the point where I feel like I have to ask. What the fuck could I have possibly done to deserve this? I would unironically give anything to just be a fucking normal person. No depression, no SI, no dysphoria, none of that shit. Just make me a fucking npc with like 3 voice lines: yes, no, and sorry. I just want to blend in. I just want to be able to be comfortable in my body or in public or around family or with friends or by myself or at work or just literally with anyone anywhere ever would be nice, thanks.
And bitches have the audacity to ask me, "but why would you do it?"
Why wouldnt I?
(Also, please just let me complain, im not gonna debate my existence or be your own personal search engine. Dont like or dont understand it? Fuck off, nows not the time.)
For the longest time my catchphrase has been "shit happens". But like, I feel like it has to stop happening eventually right? Theres only so much shit, and only so many assholes to produce it, so what the fuck, why do I get so much of it? And why does it keep getting worse???
Born? Meh, shit happens. To everyone in fact.
Mom leaves? Shit happens, plenty of people have one parent.
Faggot? Pretty unlucky but hey, shit happens.
Bullied? Everyone gets bullied, im not special for it, that shit happens.
5150 at 11? Happens to the best of us. Shit, that is.
Cheated on? Well, maybe if I was a better partner shit wouldnt happen.
Move to another state because everyone thinks im a terrible person? Be a better person and again, shit wouldnt happen.
Abusive partner? Just dont let her abuse you and shit wont happen.
Covid senior? Be born sooner, shit wont happen.
TRANNY??? Probably the unluckiest shit on here but I mean, who's fault is that really? Im the one that got brainwashed by the evil woke leftist mob alphabet mafia satanist blm cult after all.
Forced to quit job cuz transphobic coworkers? Problem: normal people dont like you because youre a fucking disgusting weirdo pervert groomer pedophile. Solution: dont be a fuckinhg disgusting weirdo pervert groomer pedophile.
Attempt that leads to gf ghosting me the day I get out of the hospital, and a year of constant 5150s? Do it right next time and shit will literally never happen again.
Diagnosed with MDD w/ psychosis symptoms? Eh, im sure its bullshit and that shit happens to everyone; doctors make mistakes all the time.
So that diagnosis wouldve been about ~1.5 years ago, and I had (up until recently) been doing alot better. But now, not only do I feel like those "psychosis symptoms" are developing into just straight up schizophrenia, but I'm also now finding out that when people talk about their subconscious like "oh yeah it told me this" or "the little angel and devil on my shoulder" or "yeah I can always hear it" they dont mean literally hearing your own voice reminding you of every flaw you have and every mistake youve ever made and how everyone is staring at you and how everyone notices every little thing I hate about myself and how they dont want to talk to or say hi to me and that I am literally forcing them at gunpoint to interact with me and how theyre squirming uncomfortably and searching for any escape from my vicinity and that once i finally set them free I should never talk to or look at anyone ever again and I should hate myself every second of every day for this single interaction specifically (as well as everything else of course).
It gets to the point where I feel like I have to ask. What the fuck could I have possibly done to deserve this? I would unironically give anything to just be a fucking normal person. No depression, no SI, no dysphoria, none of that shit. Just make me a fucking npc with like 3 voice lines: yes, no, and sorry. I just want to blend in. I just want to be able to be comfortable in my body or in public or around family or with friends or by myself or at work or just literally with anyone anywhere ever would be nice, thanks.
And bitches have the audacity to ask me, "but why would you do it?"
Why wouldnt I?
(Also, please just let me complain, im not gonna debate my existence or be your own personal search engine. Dont like or dont understand it? Fuck off, nows not the time.)
