Only continue for the people that love you?

[AnotherTragicName]

The last weeks, I really wanted to push through with suicide.

Still, I couldn't do it. May it be because of SI. Or lazyness. Or uncertainty. Or fear. I don't know. Maybe a bit of all.

What I do know is, that I don't see a chance of a life worth living in my future. All I see is a pile of compromisses, emptiness etc, because I'm apparently not capable of making meaningful bonds, therefore doomed to be alone. Unfortunately, I'm deeply social. So I would just navigate through life without real joy or goals (or worse, huge suffering very likely regarding experience), till I become physically sick one day as most people do and from this point, it will be straight up hell (well then for certain).


Anyway. Since I didn't push through yet, I had time to contemplate. I do believe in reincarnation, therefore I'm terrified by bad karma.

How much good did I really do in this life? How much did I do for others, not because it was my duty, not because I wanted to have something back, but just so, so others are happy?
Yes, I did work as a nurse for a while in my life, but did I really do it by heart? And not because I liked the image of the "good person" in front of myself, the chance of beating my social anxiety, having a reason to be around people and talk to them, be empathatic (which is my only strength, probably)? Didn't I really do it for myself?

How much did I do out of love?

Maybe that's an explanation why I'm so alone nowadays. But maybe it's just because I'm boring AF. Maybe people are not really looking for love, but for pleasure.
Which I wasn't able to deliver as expected.


Still, my parents DO love me. Unperfect as they are, as much as they made me the way I am, they do try to help me. I'm 27 and still allowed to live with them again after my last fail in life.
All they want, is that their children are happy. They did a lot for us, financially. Like seriously a lot. They are not rich, still they made it possible that I chase my dreams in this life, and now, that I study.

And how do I thank it to them? With doing my best to finally die.
I know how devasted my mother was as my sister died due to alcoholism at the age of 32 (we are unhappy motherfuckers, runs in the family... especially for the 2 of us).
And I will make my mother repeat that cicle of pain?

I had to cry the last days to the realisation, that I love them. We are not really having a good time together, but I'm thankful, a lot, and I wish the best to them.
And that karma, may it exist, will fuck me up the ass when I leave this world without getting much love out there, terrifies me.

But how could it be otherwise? Im sick since I remember, I was fighting for each drop of happiness. How can one really concider to truely love, when he is in such a state? When he is fighting for survival, basically? And yes, to be honest, also greedy, because one could always be happier, when you find a little bit of that gold?


So now... it's easier to go full ego-mode and end my suffering (probably, not regarding afterlife) or to stay, not because a thirst of life, but because I don't wanna make it more fucked up for some people, at least my parents. Others will grief aswell, but they will manage, we are not really integral parts of the life of the others, just saying "hi" now and then, lets say.

Life could be kinda okay-ish, if I am very lucky and try hard. But really, there is nothing I lock forward to, I know it's pretty much waiting around in this life, because I do not belong here.


Tough titties... Would you concider to stay out of love? I know one user here on the forum stays for its dog... so heartwarming.

 

[LivvenDe]

I feel you... I am still alive only because I don't want to make my family suffer.

I will either try to find a way to make my suicide look like an accident, or wait till I get old and die.. but I am still 37, too much time statistically speaking yet to wait

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I would never be able to stay alive for the sake of others. I refuse to. It would be selfish of them to expect me too. Yes they would be sad, but they can live their lives perfectly fine without me. The way I see it, I have the right to exit this world at a time of my choosing. I have no obligations to stay alive as I did not ask to exist.
I can relate to not belonging in this life. My life is so empty and pointless.

 

[AnotherTragicName]

I feel you... I am still alive only because I don't want to make my family suffer.

I will either try to find a way to make my suicide look like an accident, or wait till I get old and die.. but I am still 37, too much time statistically speaking yet to wait

How much family do you have?

Hmm when it looks like an accident, they will loose you anyway. Maybe they can forget you easier when they know that you suicided? Maybe I'm wrong... maybe they are happier when they have you in good memory, and not angry at you.

I think it's hard to catch the bus in the first place, So I'm happy if I'm through with it. It's complicated enough already. Besides, my family knowing how down I am and how suicidal I was in the past already, they would probably not believe that it was an accident.

No, I would never be able to stay alive for the sake of others. I refuse to. It would be selfish of them to expect me too. Yes they would be sad, but they can live their lives perfectly fine without me. The way I see it, I have the right to exit this world at a time of my choosing. I have no obligations to stay alive as I did not ask to exist.
I can relate to not belonging in this life. My life is so empty and pointless.

Feels good to hear that viewpoint. I hope I can adobt it fully because I can't see how I just struggle for my parents, most of the time... especially when I do not live with them, anymore. They become more like part of the "background" of life, if that makes sense to you. Kinda like with children: "I don't see you, you don't exist!" Sadly, we all live for ourselves, own flat, own job, own social circle, which might change quickly aswell... Highly social beings, yet totally disconnected.

Not debating the legitamicy of your viewpoint, but just to give a different spin on it:
Maybe it's not a question of guilt. Nobody asked to be born, and just did what he thought is right all of his life, including childbirth.
No parents will want to give life to a suffering lil something, they want to witness the wonder of life and see a healthy and happy child. Turn's out, they don't get what they want. They gambled and got a suicidal child. Is it really just their responsibility to deal with that, or are we all sitting in the same boat?

 

[LivvenDe]

How much family do you have?

Hmm when it looks like an accident, they will loose you anyway. Maybe they can forget you easier when they know that you suicided? Maybe I'm wrong... maybe they are happier when they have you in good memory, and not angry at you.

I think it's hard to catch the bus in the first place, So I'm happy if I'm through with it. It's complicated enough already. Besides, my family knowing how down I am and how suicidal I was in the past already, they would probably not believe that it was an accident.

My mom, brother and sister. My father died in a car accident when I was younger. I am also married and have 3 cute adopted cats whom I absolutely adore...

They also know I am suicidal, I had a burnout phase in the past. My husband asked at that time point blankly if I was thinking of suicide, if I had plans etc ... I said yes, and then he told my family, got me to go to his teacher from uni who was psychiatrist. Then I got better, but sth was not the same anymore.... I don't feel like life is worth the effort, too many responsibilities, challenges, suffering, and what for????

Anyway, I was considering shallow water blackout as a way to ctb, because it would really look like an accident, so currently I am practicing hyperventilating + breath holding trying to make me deliberately pass out... Then I will do it in the pool...

No, I would never be able to stay alive for the sake of others. I refuse to. It would be selfish of them to expect me too. Yes they would be sad, but they can live their lives perfectly fine without me. The way I see it, I have the right to exit this world at a time of my choosing. I have no obligations to stay alive as I did not ask to exist.
I can relate to not belonging in this life. My life is so empty and pointless.

I understand your point, but unfortunately I just can't :/

 

[YourNeighbor]

Seems like you have a loving family and decent health...sticking around for your loved ones is as good a reason as any.

 

[Aeathelina]

I think about that often, like what is the true point of existing for those who love me when I don't see how they could even love when I have nothing of worth.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Luckily for me I don't care about any of my loved ones as much as they do for me thanks to being wired to only care about my biological instinct to procreate over all else. Basically as long as I don't have a romantic interest, no one else's love matters to me. I don't feel that much remorse for leaving platonic friends or family miserable since I'm pretty sure the world as a whole is a worse place with me alive in it anyway and the needs of the many surely outweigh the few.

 

[idiot_dad]

100% I'm only living for others, and to not do any more damage to the world than I'm already doing. My kids are way too fragile for their dad to kill themselves now. Even if I am a shitty dad and bad person, I would prefer to not drop my suicide on them at this age. As soon as they are older, established and have forgotten about me, I'm doing it for sure.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Tough titties... Would you concider to stay out of love? I know one user here on the forum stays for its dog... so heartwarming.

No. You do not belong to others. If we are not "entitled" to the love of another person, in any form, then we should not be obligated to reciprocate the love that another individual has for us.