Well, my first three attempts in one day.
And I'm still here.
Thank you to everyone who has been kind to me here. I'm so glad I found this site. I found SS AFTER my attempts, so the only thing I've ever gotten from this community is support, love, and conversations with people who actually listened and were there for me, without judgement and that made a world of difference.
As I type this, I feel a million times better than I did this same time last year, but I was also dealing with severe akathisia and literally just lost everything (job, benefits, home, belongings, etc).. so.. that makes sense. What's crazy to me is how I can feel a million times better but still bad enough to be suicidal. It's not some kind of compulsive urge to off myself, things are just still not.. good. I feel well enough to tough it out a little bit longer and I currently even feel a tiny hint of hope, I know me. I know I could very well wake up tomorrow and be right back in it like I was only three weeks ago.
I can't believe I've survived this long. I mean.. I just can't believe it. I had absolutely no doubts that I would be dead right now. None. I can't believe I survived a year of akathisia on top of hitting rock bottom with the rest of my life after a decade of already being miserable. I can't even believe neurological damage can feel like THAT. I think this is why I've developed such a fear of brain damage from failed suicide attempts. I know what brain damage can feel like and it can be a hell you never even knew existed. Not that damage from a suicide attempt would be anything similar to akathisia, but that makes you wonder what other horrifying sensations your brain is capable of. Combine whatever that is with paralysis and the inability to communicate the pain and discomfort you're in.. jesus.. anyway..
The point is, I'm still here.. still fighting. No one can say I didn't try, that's for sure.
And I'm still here.
Thank you to everyone who has been kind to me here. I'm so glad I found this site. I found SS AFTER my attempts, so the only thing I've ever gotten from this community is support, love, and conversations with people who actually listened and were there for me, without judgement and that made a world of difference.
As I type this, I feel a million times better than I did this same time last year, but I was also dealing with severe akathisia and literally just lost everything (job, benefits, home, belongings, etc).. so.. that makes sense. What's crazy to me is how I can feel a million times better but still bad enough to be suicidal. It's not some kind of compulsive urge to off myself, things are just still not.. good. I feel well enough to tough it out a little bit longer and I currently even feel a tiny hint of hope, I know me. I know I could very well wake up tomorrow and be right back in it like I was only three weeks ago.
I can't believe I've survived this long. I mean.. I just can't believe it. I had absolutely no doubts that I would be dead right now. None. I can't believe I survived a year of akathisia on top of hitting rock bottom with the rest of my life after a decade of already being miserable. I can't even believe neurological damage can feel like THAT. I think this is why I've developed such a fear of brain damage from failed suicide attempts. I know what brain damage can feel like and it can be a hell you never even knew existed. Not that damage from a suicide attempt would be anything similar to akathisia, but that makes you wonder what other horrifying sensations your brain is capable of. Combine whatever that is with paralysis and the inability to communicate the pain and discomfort you're in.. jesus.. anyway..
The point is, I'm still here.. still fighting. No one can say I didn't try, that's for sure.
