One year after discovering this site - Venting

[WorldRoamer]

Hi everyone it's my first post here though I have been reading the site for some time now.

At different points of life I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts. Mostly because of social anxiety, depression, health problems and loneliness. It all stayed mostly as just thoughts.

Year ago I had the strongest depression episode. It happend shortly after planned stop of SSRI taking and when I was informed that I will not stay in the job - it was the first serious job in my life. Funny thing is that when I started working it all looked ok but quickly got labeled as "quiet guy" and didn't get along with people. While the job was interesting in the begining it quickly started to be stressful I was too concerned with it and even if I done ok then when depression hit (sleep problems, negative thoughts, intrusive suicide thoughts) I started to make mistakes and it all gone wrong...

Year ago similar time it was the first time I actually attempted I was ready to drink SN I was standing with a cup and almost drank it. But in the end I was too feared that it will not be 100% certain and I will have to live with body damage. So it all landed in the trash. Couple weeks later had appoitment with psychiatrist and was back on SSRI.

Now I fell like it all comes back like some tragic circle. I have quit SSRI 3 months ago and again with each day it becomes more difficult. I have sleep problems, lack of motivation, again feel social anxiety and negative thoughts.

Sadly in new job no matter how I tried I am still not part of the team and feel like an outsider. Also have issue with female coworker. We used to really get along and had great contact We even had meetings outside work and shared similar hobbies and I fallen in love. One time I expressed my feelings (in a polite manner) but she said "I want to stay friends". Time passed but it affected our friendship she is now cold and distanced it's not anymore like before...

About new job is the same I liked it at first and thought I am good at it but now I am constantly doubting myself, afraid of making mistake and stressed. So far it's quite ok but I am afraid depression will make it more difficult and at some point I will screw up

So far it's not THAT bad as last year but I can't accept it all goes back. I don't want to constantly return to pills I don't want to take them forever. I am still fighting and face challenges but sometimes I am just tired of the fact that I have to fight while others are coming through life more "natural" and they fit into society or social circles.

I have been through long road of changes I have quit addictions, taken responsibility of life, lost weight, finished studies, got driver license, mostly dealt with social anxiety but I still don't understand world/life. I feel like outsider and rarely have good contact with people.

It's not easy but right now even with all the problems I try to get back on the right track. The possibility to attempt again is still there but I try to cut this thoughts. It's also not that bad as year ago.

However this site is helpful as in life I can't share my feelings and reading about people experiences shows that I am not alone with suicidal thoughts or difficult experiences.

Sorry for long post and thanks for reading.

 

[actual_fox]

It is good for you that you can feel that you are not alone in your struggles. There are many people that have been through similar things. We all are similar to some extent I guess.

 

[jandek]

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to it. I've pretty much always felt like an outsider, like I somehow wasn't given the "script" to life, while other people seem to play their parts effortlessly. Isolation, depression, and illness can be such a vicious cycle.

 

[LittleJem]

It sounds like SSRIS make your life better? Lots of people are on them for life and there is no shame in it - just like any pther medication. MH can be quite chronic so treating it can need to be ongoing. I personally am even worse without meds and need to try more too...I would give yourself huge credit for everything you have achieved and for continuing working despite your pain. I hope some happiness comes your way.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising. Ive been an outsider my life snd lonely and not sure Ill be well enough to work again. I braved it for a long time while struggling mentally. Ssris an change thjbgs for the better and if they do thst gor you then please give yourself that extra help.

 

[WorldRoamer]

@actual_fox
I once read that most of the people never experienced suicide thoughts so there are probably aspects that are similar in persons that have to deal with suicide thoughts.

@jandek
This sound familiar and it can be difficult to try to "fit in" especially when you have to find right way while for others it's just happen.

It sounds like SSRIS make your life better? Lots of people are on them for life and there is no shame in it - just like any pther medication. MH can be quite chronic so treating it can need to be ongoing. I personally am even worse without meds and need to try more too...I would give yourself huge credit for everything you have achieved and for continuing working despite your pain. I hope some happiness comes your way.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising. Ive been an outsider my life snd lonely and not sure Ill be well enough to work again. I braved it for a long time while struggling mentally. Ssris an change thjbgs for the better and if they do thst gor you then please give yourself that extra help.

Yes SSRI was working ok and made things better.

It's just I was looking at it as aid for theraphy process and was planning that at one point I will deal with everything myself withouth meds. While I didn't experienced negative aspects while taking I was a bit afraid these will leave negative impact long-term. I am worried that such strong depression episode appeared when I quit SSRI while before medication it was never that bad.

I will see how it will go in coming weeks. While I would like to stay off the medication if at some point it will go really low I will consider to return to taking.

 

[actual_fox]

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to it. I've pretty much always felt like an outsider, like I somehow wasn't given the "script" to life, while other people seem to play their parts effortlessly. Isolation, depression, and illness can be such a vicious cycle.

Like you have been thrown of the train of life?

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing can certainly be tiring and I've always felt like I'm not meant for this world as well. It sounds like you have been through a lot, I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[makethepainstop]

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to it. I've pretty much always felt like an outsider, like I somehow wasn't given the "script" to life, while other people seem to play their parts effortlessly. Isolation, depression, and illness can be such a vicious cycle.

Yes it is, you are so very right.

 

[Luna88]

Hi everyone it's my first post here though I have been reading the site for some time now.

At different points of life I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts. Mostly because of social anxiety, depression, health problems and loneliness. It all stayed mostly as just thoughts.

Year ago I had the strongest depression episode. It happend shortly after planned stop of SSRI taking and when I was informed that I will not stay in the job - it was the first serious job in my life. Funny thing is that when I started working it all looked ok but quickly got labeled as "quiet guy" and didn't get along with people. While the job was interesting in the begining it quickly started to be stressful I was too concerned with it and even if I done ok then when depression hit (sleep problems, negative thoughts, intrusive suicide thoughts) I started to make mistakes and it all gone wrong...

Year ago similar time it was the first time I actually attempted I was ready to drink SN I was standing with a cup and almost drank it. But in the end I was too feared that it will not be 100% certain and I will have to live with body damage. So it all landed in the trash. Couple weeks later had appoitment with psychiatrist and was back on SSRI.

Now I fell like it all comes back like some tragic circle. I have quit SSRI 3 months ago and again with each day it becomes more difficult. I have sleep problems, lack of motivation, again feel social anxiety and negative thoughts.

Sadly in new job no matter how I tried I am still not part of the team and feel like an outsider. Also have issue with female coworker. We used to really get along and had great contact We even had meetings outside work and shared similar hobbies and I fallen in love. One time I expressed my feelings (in a polite manner) but she said "I want to stay friends". Time passed but it affected our friendship she is now cold and distanced it's not anymore like before...

About new job is the same I liked it at first and thought I am good at it but now I am constantly doubting myself, afraid of making mistake and stressed. So far it's quite ok but I am afraid depression will make it more difficult and at some point I will screw up

So far it's not THAT bad as last year but I can't accept it all goes back. I don't want to constantly return to pills I don't want to take them forever. I am still fighting and face challenges but sometimes I am just tired of the fact that I have to fight while others are coming through life more "natural" and they fit into society or social circles.

I have been through long road of changes I have quit addictions, taken responsibility of life, lost weight, finished studies, got driver license, mostly dealt with social anxiety but I still don't understand world/life. I feel like outsider and rarely have good contact with people.

It's not easy but right now even with all the problems I try to get back on the right track. The possibility to attempt again is still there but I try to cut this thoughts. It's also not that bad as year ago.

However this site is helpful as in life I can't share my feelings and reading about people experiences shows that I am not alone with suicidal thoughts or difficult experiences.

Sorry for long post and thanks for reading.

May I ask what antidepressant you took? i have had similar experiences. also pm

 

[conflagration]

I just recently had similar experience with stopping meds. I've been on them for last 8 years. For last year I really went into self improvement, I meditated 2 hours a day and my mood really lifted so I thought maybe that's time to stop medication (mirtazapine 30mg). I weaned off gradually for 2 months, 3.75mg per week. Shit hit the fan when I stopped completely, severe insomnia combined with anxiety and agitation. After 3 months of that I became severely suicidal, I had to go back on mirtazapine but this time 45mg because 30mg was not enough. I am pretty sure if I had continued with withdrawal, I would have been dead.
So I don't really know - was it withdrawal that made me suicidal, or I just came back to the point where I started. It is pretty disheartening experience because I thought I can really change, so I would not need meds, but that seems not to be the case.

 

[Hollowillow]

Hi everyone it's my first post here though I have been reading the site for some time now.

At different points of life I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts. Mostly because of social anxiety, depression, health problems and loneliness. It all stayed mostly as just thoughts.

Year ago I had the strongest depression episode. It happend shortly after planned stop of SSRI taking and when I was informed that I will not stay in the job - it was the first serious job in my life. Funny thing is that when I started working it all looked ok but quickly got labeled as "quiet guy" and didn't get along with people. While the job was interesting in the begining it quickly started to be stressful I was too concerned with it and even if I done ok then when depression hit (sleep problems, negative thoughts, intrusive suicide thoughts) I started to make mistakes and it all gone wrong...

Year ago similar time it was the first time I actually attempted I was ready to drink SN I was standing with a cup and almost drank it. But in the end I was too feared that it will not be 100% certain and I will have to live with body damage. So it all landed in the trash. Couple weeks later had appoitment with psychiatrist and was back on SSRI.

Now I fell like it all comes back like some tragic circle. I have quit SSRI 3 months ago and again with each day it becomes more difficult. I have sleep problems, lack of motivation, again feel social anxiety and negative thoughts.

Sadly in new job no matter how I tried I am still not part of the team and feel like an outsider. Also have issue with female coworker. We used to really get along and had great contact We even had meetings outside work and shared similar hobbies and I fallen in love. One time I expressed my feelings (in a polite manner) but she said "I want to stay friends". Time passed but it affected our friendship she is now cold and distanced it's not anymore like before...

About new job is the same I liked it at first and thought I am good at it but now I am constantly doubting myself, afraid of making mistake and stressed. So far it's quite ok but I am afraid depression will make it more difficult and at some point I will screw up

So far it's not THAT bad as last year but I can't accept it all goes back. I don't want to constantly return to pills I don't want to take them forever. I am still fighting and face challenges but sometimes I am just tired of the fact that I have to fight while others are coming through life more "natural" and they fit into society or social circles.

I have been through long road of changes I have quit addictions, taken responsibility of life, lost weight, finished studies, got driver license, mostly dealt with social anxiety but I still don't understand world/life. I feel like outsider and rarely have good contact with people.

It's not easy but right now even with all the problems I try to get back on the right track. The possibility to attempt again is still there but I try to cut this thoughts. It's also not that bad as year ago.

However this site is helpful as in life I can't share my feelings and reading about people experiences shows that I am not alone with suicidal thoughts or difficult experiences.

Sorry for long post and thanks for reading.

I love long posts

Replace depression by "burned out"

I was raised to be perfect and any mistakes were the end of the world.

Turns out my mother us a sadistic narcissist. If she didn't find a reason to justify her abuse she's invent a fake blame.

You're supposed to make mistakes. You do mote when tired & stressed. So try to take it easy, be compassionate with your natural flaws.

I probably scare people away by being too panic too... And atteact predators

Of course work isn't the same when a gurl lives you than when she moves on. I'd avoid dating coworkers fir that reason... And some ruin reputation out of spite when breaking up.

People like to talk about family, travels, hobbies, jobs, the weather ... I like controversies & traumas

I'm only fun at jackbox parties.

Try to find nerdy clubs? Like board games. Introverted geeks are easier to bond with for introverts

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to it. I've pretty much always felt like an outsider, like I somehow wasn't given the "script" to life, while other people seem to play their parts effortlessly. Isolation, depression, and illness can be such a vicious cycle.

I felt like a robot that wasn't programmed. Neither leader or follower. I'm a pioneer. I explore weird stuff to discover new paths. It can be lonely in the dark woods, but I like it too.

@actual_fox
I once read that most of the people never experienced suicide thoughts so there are probably aspects that are similar in persons that have to deal with suicide thoughts.

@jandek
This sound familiar and it can be difficult to try to "fit in" especially when you have to find right way while for others it's just happen.

Yes SSRI was working ok and made things better.

It's just I was looking at it as aid for theraphy process and was planning that at one point I will deal with everything myself withouth meds. While I didn't experienced negative aspects while taking I was a bit afraid these will leave negative impact long-term. I am worried that such strong depression episode appeared when I quit SSRI while before medication it was never that bad.

I will see how it will go in coming weeks. While I would like to stay off the medication if at some point it will go really low I will consider to return to taking.

I handle depression with vitamin c, b, d, magnesium... Some people on antidepressants look like sedated zombies. It takes vitamin b to burn energy... C to heal the burn. Maybe you became more active off it without boosting nutrition & burned out.

It is good for you that you can feel that you are not alone in your struggles. There are many people that have been through similar things. We all are similar to some extent I guess.

Struggles sounds like snuggles. Happiness is just one N away! *Snuggles* (not encouraging suicide but there is a suicide joke in it)

@actual_fox
I once read that most of the people never experienced suicide thoughts so there are probably aspects that are similar in persons that have to deal with suicide thoughts.

@jandek
This sound familiar and it can be difficult to try to "fit in" especially when you have to find right way while for others it's just happen.

Yes SSRI was working ok and made things better.

It's just I was looking at it as aid for theraphy process and was planning that at one point I will deal with everything myself withouth meds. While I didn't experienced negative aspects while taking I was a bit afraid these will leave negative impact long-term. I am worried that such strong depression episode appeared when I quit SSRI while before medication it was never that bad.

I will see how it will go in coming weeks. While I would like to stay off the medication if at some point it will go really low I will consider to return to taking.

If people didn't experience suicidal thoughts, the expression "I'd rather die" wouldn't be so common. Anyone waking a monday to go to work, especially after drinking, probably thought of sleeping forever. But brushed it aside.

I've been surprised by people admitting to crying themselves to sleep. They seemed to have it all. Probably exhausted to get & maintain it

Like you have been thrown of the train of life?

Or thrown off the bus of life & need to catch the bus of death

Like you have been thrown of the train of life?

Or thrown off the bus of life & need to catch the bus of death

May I ask what antidepressant you took? i have had similar experiences. also pm

I wonder... Maybe you confuse the drug's withdrawals with being defective. Coming off it must be dine super slowly to avoid being in shock. I almost died when I stop a corticisteroid cream, had an adrenal crisis... Saw the universe...

I just recently had similar experience with stopping meds. I've been on them for last 8 years. For last year I really went into self improvement, I meditated 2 hours a day and my mood really lifted so I thought maybe that's time to stop medication (mirtazapine 30mg). I weaned off gradually for 2 months, 3.75mg per week. Shit hit the fan when I stopped completely, severe insomnia combined with anxiety and agitation. After 3 months of that I became severely suicidal, I had to go back on mirtazapine but this time 45mg because 30mg was not enough. I am pretty sure if I had continued with withdrawal, I would have been dead.
So I don't really know - was it withdrawal that made me suicidal, or I just came back to the point where I started. It is pretty disheartening experience because I thought I can really change, so I would not need meds, but that seems not to be the case.

It's even more brutal than I thought... Or maybe it revealed how your body truly feels. Anxiety can be from eating sugar and grains (reactive hypoglycemia) not enough c... Magnesium ... It calms my hysterical cries. B for energy. Can repair nerves. Maybe slow longer... Like a year. Especially if you were years on it...