This whole process has been nothing like I thought it would be. I've tried to commit suicide before, genuine attempts along with the gestures...but they've all been acted upon in a manic/impulsive state of mind. The least impulsive one was attempting to hang myself in jail, I considered that one for all of six hours. So...yeah, all impulsive, and usually under the influence of alcohol.
This is different. I have a rock solid deadline, a looming prison sentence that I'm simply not willing to endure. Life out here in the world was too hard on me, and I know I'd only be able to last a very short time in there before deciding to ctb inside, probably in some unreliable way that would fail. I decided for sure that I would go out on my own terms, in the world I've always known. I have no desire to get raped and get the shit kicked out of me for a while first. Prison isn't the reason I'm killing myself, I've known since I was 11 or 12 years old that this was how it would end for me. Its just given me the timeline to do it in. I feel a sense of relief, finally knowing its all about to be over and knowing I have no possible choice of backing out or giving it another halfhearted or badly planned try. I have until late October before I have to go to trial, and I plan to attempt with SN by the first week of October, in case I fuck it up, I'll have a chance to do something less pleasant but more reliable than SN before trial. I'm as committed as a person could possibly be, and knowing my days are definitely numbered has had a surprising effect.
I always thought that this would be an extremely dark time, when it finally came. I thought I'd be depressed, miserable, withdrawn, and unable to find a single shred of happiness. Now that I have a timeframe (I decided not to set an exact date - I plan on having all of my preparations done by 9/15 at the latest, with ctb coming by 10/1, and drinking the SN on whatever night feels right between those two dates) I feel totally free. I'm not depressed in the slightest. Sure, I still have moments when I look around, realize I'll be leaving everything I've ever known, and feel a chill/flutter of fear. But I would be doing that anyway - between 16 years in prison and death, its not even a debate. Either way, my time lingering here is limited to ~7 weeks at the most. I find myself totally free of the lifelong desire to distract myself with games, movies, music, drugs, alcohol, and random sex. I'm perfectly happy just sitting and hanging out with my grandparents in the house where I was raised, mostly (my parents were so caught up in their own shit that I often stayed summers here and even lived with them and went to school here for a year.) I can enjoy simple pleasures to a degree I didn't think possible, stupid shit like frozen oreos, pizza, whatever (I was always borderline anorexic and had convinced myself I didn't like these things.) I love interacting with people on this forum and being able to be totally honest with people who understand. I'm actually enjoying the process of deciding who will get my things when I'm gone. Of course, there's moments of sadness mixed in, but only when I think about how hurt my family will be at first by this, and I'm convinced they'll get over it quickly. They all know about my issues and struggles and how hard being here was for me, and the impending prison sentence is something I think they will understand as a valid reason for my suicide...at least in time, they will. When I look at my bottle of SN, I feel a sense of comfort, not fear or disgust. I'm sure my survival instinct will try to kick in closer to the end, but my fear of prison is much greater than my fear of death, if for no other reason that should be enough to override it.
A big part of my sense of peace with all of this is you. Reading your stories, hearing your thoughts, watching you support each other and trying to share and receive comfort right up until the very end has been a major source of strength and love for me. For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of belonging. It took imminent death to do it, but I finally found my tribe. Every last one of us dies alone, but we all know that and choose to love each other up until that point in spite of it. Maybe
because of it. So a sincere thank you to everybody here who is trying to make our small and misunderstood world a better place before they go. As always, thanks for reading my shit and caring when no one else would. I love you all
