Story One surprising part of deciding to ctb

[falloutcarter13]

This whole process has been nothing like I thought it would be. I've tried to commit suicide before, genuine attempts along with the gestures...but they've all been acted upon in a manic/impulsive state of mind. The least impulsive one was attempting to hang myself in jail, I considered that one for all of six hours. So...yeah, all impulsive, and usually under the influence of alcohol.

This is different. I have a rock solid deadline, a looming prison sentence that I'm simply not willing to endure. Life out here in the world was too hard on me, and I know I'd only be able to last a very short time in there before deciding to ctb inside, probably in some unreliable way that would fail. I decided for sure that I would go out on my own terms, in the world I've always known. I have no desire to get raped and get the shit kicked out of me for a while first. Prison isn't the reason I'm killing myself, I've known since I was 11 or 12 years old that this was how it would end for me. Its just given me the timeline to do it in. I feel a sense of relief, finally knowing its all about to be over and knowing I have no possible choice of backing out or giving it another halfhearted or badly planned try. I have until late October before I have to go to trial, and I plan to attempt with SN by the first week of October, in case I fuck it up, I'll have a chance to do something less pleasant but more reliable than SN before trial. I'm as committed as a person could possibly be, and knowing my days are definitely numbered has had a surprising effect.

I always thought that this would be an extremely dark time, when it finally came. I thought I'd be depressed, miserable, withdrawn, and unable to find a single shred of happiness. Now that I have a timeframe (I decided not to set an exact date - I plan on having all of my preparations done by 9/15 at the latest, with ctb coming by 10/1, and drinking the SN on whatever night feels right between those two dates) I feel totally free. I'm not depressed in the slightest. Sure, I still have moments when I look around, realize I'll be leaving everything I've ever known, and feel a chill/flutter of fear. But I would be doing that anyway - between 16 years in prison and death, its not even a debate. Either way, my time lingering here is limited to ~7 weeks at the most. I find myself totally free of the lifelong desire to distract myself with games, movies, music, drugs, alcohol, and random sex. I'm perfectly happy just sitting and hanging out with my grandparents in the house where I was raised, mostly (my parents were so caught up in their own shit that I often stayed summers here and even lived with them and went to school here for a year.) I can enjoy simple pleasures to a degree I didn't think possible, stupid shit like frozen oreos, pizza, whatever (I was always borderline anorexic and had convinced myself I didn't like these things.) I love interacting with people on this forum and being able to be totally honest with people who understand. I'm actually enjoying the process of deciding who will get my things when I'm gone. Of course, there's moments of sadness mixed in, but only when I think about how hurt my family will be at first by this, and I'm convinced they'll get over it quickly. They all know about my issues and struggles and how hard being here was for me, and the impending prison sentence is something I think they will understand as a valid reason for my suicide...at least in time, they will. When I look at my bottle of SN, I feel a sense of comfort, not fear or disgust. I'm sure my survival instinct will try to kick in closer to the end, but my fear of prison is much greater than my fear of death, if for no other reason that should be enough to override it.

A big part of my sense of peace with all of this is you. Reading your stories, hearing your thoughts, watching you support each other and trying to share and receive comfort right up until the very end has been a major source of strength and love for me. For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of belonging. It took imminent death to do it, but I finally found my tribe. Every last one of us dies alone, but we all know that and choose to love each other up until that point in spite of it. Maybe because of it. So a sincere thank you to everybody here who is trying to make our small and misunderstood world a better place before they go. As always, thanks for reading my shit and caring when no one else would. I love you all

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Best luck to you in doing what you planned.

Sorry to hear about 16 years in prison.

However it's great that you found peace in your death when it's literally countdown to it. A lot of people are afraid af or depressed about it. Glad it's not your case.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Best luck to you in doing what you planned.

Sorry to hear about 16 years in prison.

However it's great that you found peace in your death when it's literally countdown to it. A lot of people are afraid af or depressed about it. Glad it's not your case.

Thanks bud, I really appreciate the kind words! I'm sure there are some moment of fear and sadness in the time I have left, but at least doubt is totally absent. I'll take that as a win!!

 

[sadghost]

Wow I relate to this post very much as somebody who plans to CTB soon as well, especially when you wrote, "For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of belonging." It is very comforting to have SS, a place where you can be as anonymous as you'd like and talk about your suffering without judgement. I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point, and I wish you nothing but the best

 

[falloutcarter13]

Wow I relate to this post very much as somebody who plans to CTB soon as well, especially when you wrote, "For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of belonging." It is very comforting to have SS, a place where you can be as anonymous as you'd like and talk about your suffering without judgement. I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point, and I wish you nothing but the best

Thanks ghost, as always your comments are so sweet and so appreciated:D

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

This whole process has been nothing like I thought it would be. I've tried to commit suicide before, genuine attempts along with the gestures...but they've all been acted upon in a manic/impulsive state of mind. The least impulsive one was attempting to hang myself in jail, I considered that one for all of six hours. So...yeah, all impulsive, and usually under the influence of alcohol.

This is different. I have a rock solid deadline, a looming prison sentence that I'm simply not willing to endure. Life out here in the world was too hard on me, and I know I'd only be able to last a very short time in there before deciding to ctb inside, probably in some unreliable way that would fail. I decided for sure that I would go out on my own terms, in the world I've always known. I have no desire to get raped and get the shit kicked out of me for a while first. Prison isn't the reason I'm killing myself, I've known since I was 11 or 12 years old that this was how it would end for me. Its just given me the timeline to do it in. I feel a sense of relief, finally knowing its all about to be over and knowing I have no possible choice of backing out or giving it another halfhearted or badly planned try. I have until late October before I have to go to trial, and I plan to attempt with SN by the first week of October, in case I fuck it up, I'll have a chance to do something less pleasant but more reliable than SN before trial. I'm as committed as a person could possibly be, and knowing my days are definitely numbered has had a surprising effect.

I always thought that this would be an extremely dark time, when it finally came. I thought I'd be depressed, miserable, withdrawn, and unable to find a single shred of happiness. Now that I have a timeframe (I decided not to set an exact date - I plan on having all of my preparations done by 9/15 at the latest, with ctb coming by 10/1, and drinking the SN on whatever night feels right between those two dates) I feel totally free. I'm not depressed in the slightest. Sure, I still have moments when I look around, realize I'll be leaving everything I've ever known, and feel a chill/flutter of fear. But I would be doing that anyway - between 16 years in prison and death, its not even a debate. Either way, my time lingering here is limited to ~7 weeks at the most. I find myself totally free of the lifelong desire to distract myself with games, movies, music, drugs, alcohol, and random sex. I'm perfectly happy just sitting and hanging out with my grandparents in the house where I was raised, mostly (my parents were so caught up in their own shit that I often stayed summers here and even lived with them and went to school here for a year.) I can enjoy simple pleasures to a degree I didn't think possible, stupid shit like frozen oreos, pizza, whatever (I was always borderline anorexic and had convinced myself I didn't like these things.) I love interacting with people on this forum and being able to be totally honest with people who understand. I'm actually enjoying the process of deciding who will get my things when I'm gone. Of course, there's moments of sadness mixed in, but only when I think about how hurt my family will be at first by this, and I'm convinced they'll get over it quickly. They all know about my issues and struggles and how hard being here was for me, and the impending prison sentence is something I think they will understand as a valid reason for my suicide...at least in time, they will. When I look at my bottle of SN, I feel a sense of comfort, not fear or disgust. I'm sure my survival instinct will try to kick in closer to the end, but my fear of prison is much greater than my fear of death, if for no other reason that should be enough to override it.

A big part of my sense of peace with all of this is you. Reading your stories, hearing your thoughts, watching you support each other and trying to share and receive comfort right up until the very end has been a major source of strength and love for me. For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of belonging. It took imminent death to do it, but I finally found my tribe. Every last one of us dies alone, but we all know that and choose to love each other up until that point in spite of it. Maybe because of it. So a sincere thank you to everybody here who is trying to make our small and misunderstood world a better place before they go. As always, thanks for reading my shit and caring when no one else would. I love you all

The magic of suicide

I am really happy that I can now welcome you to the happy club.

Of course not, because you have to do ctb.

But because you have also reached the point where you have accepted it for yourself and no longer fight against it ..

Exceeding this point triggers something incredible that I experienced like a kind of drug intoxication back then.
The head suddenly becomes free. Free from the problems of the past. Free from the problems of the future.
No more fear of loss, no more unfulfillable longings that torment you.

The single moment in the now gets the right value it deserves.

There is no need for depression, it is a nice thought when you have really accepted your decision.

Let me congratulate you on this and may you keep this happiness with you

 

[stationarymillennial]

Wait a damn minute...

frozen oreos

Either I'm stoned or frozen oreos sound revolutionary.

I'm actually enjoying the process of deciding who will get my things when I'm gone

Dang, really? This has been really hard for me because I get kind of emotional just imaginig how people would look at or use those objects when I'm gone.

When I look at my bottle of SN, I feel a sense of comfort, not fear or disgust.

I feel exactly the same way. It's like having a freedom/game over button at my fingertips. It's so assuring to have that. I know we are all distinct people with our own individual reasons for being here, but I think as a whole, this experience reanimated the activist in me. I hold a solid stance now that all people should have access to end-of-life drugs/information to end their life at a time and place of their choosing.

A big part of my sense of peace with all of this is you. Reading your stories, hearing your thoughts, watching you support each other and trying to share and receive comfort right up until the very end has been a major source of strength and love for me.

Absolutely same here. I've only participated for a few days and it's already been so refreshing and reassuring to have participated in this community (for like 2 days lmao but ive lurked for 2 years).

I'm sure my survival instinct will try to kick in closer to the end

Yeah... that SI is our final boss.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

When you think about it, it's quite a unique position that you're in. Not many people know the exact time they're going to die without it being accompanied by serious illness or something else that puts restrictions on how the time is spent. You get to enjoy and appreciate every second without stress and worry.

You've probably answered this in another post but have you thought much about what comes afterwards? What are you hoping for? Eternal nothingness or your consciousness travelling to a different realm and hanging out there for a while?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

My heart goes out to you. So much of what you said resonates with me. Though I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, I'm glad you are at peace with your decision.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

When you think about it, it's quite a unique position that you're in. Not many people know the exact time they're going to die without it being accompanied by serious illness or something else that puts restrictions on how the time is spent. You get to enjoy and appreciate every second without stress and worry.

I have never looked at it from this side.

It's just a shame, I've never been able to enjoy life before, I don't even know how I could do that in the next 50 days.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

I have never looked at it from this side.

It's just a shame, I've never been able to enjoy life before, I don't even know how I could do that in the next 50 days.

It's hard, isn't it. If I had friends or loved ones to enjoy the time with, I wouldn't want to die in the first place. I'm going to buy some acid from the dark web and find a secluded part of the beach and enjoy some time being introspective. I'm also going to buy a bike (you'd think this would be easy but there seems to be a bike shortage in the UK at the moment) and go for some long bike rides in the lovely weather. I'm not going to stress about how lonely I am and how bad my life turned out and just completely accept the situation for what it is.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I really enjoyed reading that, thanks for taking the time to let us know about your final few months here.
This is a really difficult time for me, but somehow I now feel emotionally involved in your story and what you're going through, and it weirdly feels like I was 'meant' to bump into you, if only in digital form.
I hope I can be in your position soon, where I have a definite 'peaceful' method at hand which I can use at any time, which would calm me down and give me a sense of relief, regardless of how things pan out.

 

[alexit]

This whole process has been nothing like I thought it would be. I've tried to commit suicide before, genuine attempts along with the gestures...but they've all been acted upon in a manic/impulsive state of mind. The least impulsive one was attempting to hang myself in jail, I considered that one for all of six hours. So...yeah, all impulsive, and usually under the influence of alcohol.

This is different. I have a rock solid deadline, a looming prison sentence that I'm simply not willing to endure. Life out here in the world was too hard on me, and I know I'd only be able to last a very short time in there before deciding to ctb inside, probably in some unreliable way that would fail. I decided for sure that I would go out on my own terms, in the world I've always known. I have no desire to get raped and get the shit kicked out of me for a while first. Prison isn't the reason I'm killing myself, I've known since I was 11 or 12 years old that this was how it would end for me. Its just given me the timeline to do it in. I feel a sense of relief, finally knowing its all about to be over and knowing I have no possible choice of backing out or giving it another halfhearted or badly planned try. I have until late October before I have to go to trial, and I plan to attempt with SN by the first week of October, in case I fuck it up, I'll have a chance to do something less pleasant but more reliable than SN before trial. I'm as committed as a person could possibly be, and knowing my days are definitely numbered has had a surprising effect.

I always thought that this would be an extremely dark time, when it finally came. I thought I'd be depressed, miserable, withdrawn, and unable to find a single shred of happiness. Now that I have a timeframe (I decided not to set an exact date - I plan on having all of my preparations done by 9/15 at the latest, with ctb coming by 10/1, and drinking the SN on whatever night feels right between those two dates) I feel totally free. I'm not depressed in the slightest. Sure, I still have moments when I look around, realize I'll be leaving everything I've ever known, and feel a chill/flutter of fear. But I would be doing that anyway - between 16 years in prison and death, its not even a debate. Either way, my time lingering here is limited to ~7 weeks at the most. I find myself totally free of the lifelong desire to distract myself with games, movies, music, drugs, alcohol, and random sex. I'm perfectly happy just sitting and hanging out with my grandparents in the house where I was raised, mostly (my parents were so caught up in their own shit that I often stayed summers here and even lived with them and went to school here for a year.) I can enjoy simple pleasures to a degree I didn't think possible, stupid shit like frozen oreos, pizza, whatever (I was always borderline anorexic and had convinced myself I didn't like these things.) I love interacting with people on this forum and being able to be totally honest with people who understand. I'm actually enjoying the process of deciding who will get my things when I'm gone. Of course, there's moments of sadness mixed in, but only when I think about how hurt my family will be at first by this, and I'm convinced they'll get over it quickly. They all know about my issues and struggles and how hard being here was for me, and the impending prison sentence is something I think they will understand as a valid reason for my suicide...at least in time, they will. When I look at my bottle of SN, I feel a sense of comfort, not fear or disgust. I'm sure my survival instinct will try to kick in closer to the end, but my fear of prison is much greater than my fear of death, if for no other reason that should be enough to override it.

A big part of my sense of peace with all of this is you. Reading your stories, hearing your thoughts, watching you support each other and trying to share and receive comfort right up until the very end has been a major source of strength and love for me. For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of belonging. It took imminent death to do it, but I finally found my tribe. Every last one of us dies alone, but we all know that and choose to love each other up until that point in spite of it. Maybe because of it. So a sincere thank you to everybody here who is trying to make our small and misunderstood world a better place before they go. As always, thanks for reading my shit and caring when no one else would. I love you all

how hard it is to be successful at it

 

[Cherrypea]

A few years ago I handed in notice in at work as it was was unbearably stressful but found during the notice period I was actually relaxed and enjoying it, it's the same with life I suppose, cos you know you are leaving all the pressure is gone x

 

[Disco Biscuit]

A few years ago I handed in notice in at work as it was was unbearably stressful but found during the notice period I was actually relaxed and enjoying it, it's the same with life I suppose, cos you know you are leaving all the pressure is gone x

This is a great analogy.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your life situation and that you faced with a harsh future. I hope you will find peace during this interim as well as when your time arrives.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Wait a damn minute...
Either I'm stoned or frozen oreos sound revolutionary.

If you have to be stuck on this planet, no one should go without frozen double stuff oreos

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply! I'm so glad whenever I see a message from you, you're one of the best people here!

When you think about it, it's quite a unique position that you're in. Not many people know the exact time they're going to die without it being accompanied by serious illness or something else that puts restrictions on how the time is spent. You get to enjoy and appreciate every second without stress and worry.

You've probably answered this in another post but have you thought much about what comes afterwards? What are you hoping for? Eternal nothingness or your consciousness travelling to a different realm and hanging out there for a while?

We all have that questionable gift of knowing we're going to die someday, but we also bury the knowledge and go about all of the minor, earthly stuff like we're immortal. You're right, its totally different to know when and how you're going to die. I'm doing exactly what you said, enjoying and appreciating everything. I wish I could have felt this calm and peaceful earlier in life, I wouldn't have fucked up my life flatter than hammered shit in an effort to feel better and less miserable But it is what it is, and for what its worth, I feel like finally, I'm exactly where and when I'm supposed to be. Harmonious.

As to what comes next, I honestly think about it less now, ironically. Whether its nothing at all or total freedom, or some happy existence without pain and suffering...well, I'll be finding out soon enough, so no reason to chew on it too much! The only thing I'm 100% sure of is there's not going to be some sort of bullshit eternal punishment for me. My heart just says this is a silly concept. I guess worst case scenario would be a time loop where I'm forced to live the exact same life in cycles forever...but even this doesn't scare me, because I've had many happy times in my life to go along with the misery. Now that its almost over and I can see with total clarity, looking back at my life...it was tumultuous, sure, but it wasn't all bad. It wasn't nearly the level of suffering that some poor souls have. So if I have to repeat it, I'm okay with that

Thank you as always for the time you take to share your thoughts with me. Time is a resource for all of us, and I appreciate you choosing to loan me some of yours!

This is a really difficult time for me, but somehow I now feel emotionally involved in your story and what you're going through, and it weirdly feels like I was 'meant' to bump into you, if only in digital form.

I feel this way about SO many people here, you included! It feels like the wheels of fate are grinding away, here! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being an awesome friend in the time I've got left! I enjoy your thoughts, it seems like you and I think a lot alike on the nature of things, both here and for what comes after!

A few years ago I handed in notice in at work as it was was unbearably stressful but found during the notice period I was actually relaxed and enjoying it, it's the same with life I suppose, cos you know you are leaving all the pressure is gone x

I felt the same as @NewOrder about this, perfect analogy! In my case, the universe handed me my final notice...but it also said "don't worry about finding a new job. We'll take care of that for you and let you know what we decide."

 

[DFFP]

If you have to be stuck on this planet, no one should go without frozen double stuff oreos

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply! I'm so glad whenever I see a message from you, you're one of the best people here!

We all have that questionable gift of knowing we're going to die someday, but we also bury the knowledge and go about all of the minor, earthly stuff like we're immortal. You're right, its totally different to know when and how you're going to die. I'm doing exactly what you said, enjoying and appreciating everything. I wish I could have felt this calm and peaceful earlier in life, I wouldn't have fucked up my life flatter than hammered shit in an effort to feel better and less miserable But it is what it is, and for what its worth, I feel like finally, I'm exactly where and when I'm supposed to be. Harmonious.

As to what comes next, I honestly think about it less now, ironically. Whether its nothing at all or total freedom, or some happy existence without pain and suffering...well, I'll be finding out soon enough, so no reason to chew on it too much! The only thing I'm 100% sure of is there's not going to be some sort of bullshit eternal punishment for me. My heart just says this is a silly concept. I guess worst case scenario would be a time loop where I'm forced to live the exact same life in cycles forever...but even this doesn't scare me, because I've had many happy times in my life to go along with the misery. Now that its almost over and I can see with total clarity, looking back at my life...it was tumultuous, sure, but it wasn't all bad. It wasn't nearly the level of suffering that some poor souls have. So if I have to repeat it, I'm okay with that

Thank you as always for the time you take to share your thoughts with me. Time is a resource for all of us, and I appreciate you choosing to loan me some of yours!

I feel this way about SO many people here, you included! It feels like the wheels of fate are grinding away, here! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being an awesome friend in the time I've got left! I enjoy your thoughts, it seems like you and I think a lot alike on the nature of things, both here and for what comes after!

If you have to be stuck on this planet, no one should go without frozen double stuff oreos

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply! I'm so glad whenever I see a message from you, you're one of the best people here!

We all have that questionable gift of knowing we're going to die someday, but we also bury the knowledge and go about all of the minor, earthly stuff like we're immortal. You're right, its totally different to know when and how you're going to die. I'm doing exactly what you said, enjoying and appreciating everything. I wish I could have felt this calm and peaceful earlier in life, I wouldn't have fucked up my life flatter than hammered shit in an effort to feel better and less miserable But it is what it is, and for what its worth, I feel like finally, I'm exactly where and when I'm supposed to be. Harmonious.

As to what comes next, I honestly think about it less now, ironically. Whether its nothing at all or total freedom, or some happy existence without pain and suffering...well, I'll be finding out soon enough, so no reason to chew on it too much! The only thing I'm 100% sure of is there's not going to be some sort of bullshit eternal punishment for me. My heart just says this is a silly concept. I guess worst case scenario would be a time loop where I'm forced to live the exact same life in cycles forever...but even this doesn't scare me, because I've had many happy times in my life to go along with the misery. Now that its almost over and I can see with total clarity, looking back at my life...it was tumultuous, sure, but it wasn't all bad. It wasn't nearly the level of suffering that some poor souls have. So if I have to repeat it, I'm okay with that

Thank you as always for the time you take to share your thoughts with me. Time is a resource for all of us, and I appreciate you choosing to loan me some of yours!

I feel this way about SO many people here, you included! It feels like the wheels of fate are grinding away, here! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being an awesome friend in the time I've got left! I enjoy your thoughts, it seems like you and I think a lot alike on the nature of things, both here and for what comes after!

I felt the same as @NewOrder about this, perfect analogy! In my case, the universe handed me my final notice...but it also said "don't worry about finding a new job. We'll take care of that for you and let you know what we decide."

Hello, I am happy for you. For my part, I cannot yet have this serenity because I think a lot about my family. Maybe because I haven't chosen my ctb method yet. I would like to know why you chose SN when you have hanging experience?

 

[falloutcarter13]

Hello, I am happy for you. For my part, I cannot yet have this serenity because I think a lot about my family. Maybe because I haven't chosen my ctb method yet. I would like to know why you chose SN when you have hanging experience?

Aesthetics. On the off chance someone I love has to discover my body, I don't want them to be left with the horrifying (to them) vision of me hanging dead by my neck.

 

[DFFP]

I understand. It's a bit the same for me. But I think it could be my method. I have already tried several partial without result. The total suspension is impressive because I think you can have violent agony, especially with a rope.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

If you have to be stuck on this planet, no one should go without frozen double stuff oreos

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply! I'm so glad whenever I see a message from you, you're one of the best people here!

We all have that questionable gift of knowing we're going to die someday, but we also bury the knowledge and go about all of the minor, earthly stuff like we're immortal. You're right, its totally different to know when and how you're going to die. I'm doing exactly what you said, enjoying and appreciating everything. I wish I could have felt this calm and peaceful earlier in life, I wouldn't have fucked up my life flatter than hammered shit in an effort to feel better and less miserable But it is what it is, and for what its worth, I feel like finally, I'm exactly where and when I'm supposed to be. Harmonious.

As to what comes next, I honestly think about it less now, ironically. Whether its nothing at all or total freedom, or some happy existence without pain and suffering...well, I'll be finding out soon enough, so no reason to chew on it too much! The only thing I'm 100% sure of is there's not going to be some sort of bullshit eternal punishment for me. My heart just says this is a silly concept. I guess worst case scenario would be a time loop where I'm forced to live the exact same life in cycles forever...but even this doesn't scare me, because I've had many happy times in my life to go along with the misery. Now that its almost over and I can see with total clarity, looking back at my life...it was tumultuous, sure, but it wasn't all bad. It wasn't nearly the level of suffering that some poor souls have. So if I have to repeat it, I'm okay with that

Thank you as always for the time you take to share your thoughts with me. Time is a resource for all of us, and I appreciate you choosing to loan me some of yours!

I feel this way about SO many people here, you included! It feels like the wheels of fate are grinding away, here! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being an awesome friend in the time I've got left! I enjoy your thoughts, it seems like you and I think a lot alike on the nature of things, both here and for what comes after!

I felt the same as @NewOrder about this, perfect analogy! In my case, the universe handed me my final notice...but it also said "don't worry about finding a new job. We'll take care of that for you and let you know what we decide."

I'm convinced that eternal hell isn't a thing as well. Have you had a look into near-death experiences at all? It's a fascinating subject and even if a fraction of the people who have them are telling the truth then something amazing is waiting for all of us on the other side. I'm not a religious person but I recently started to believe that there may be more to all this than our physical reality. It's not made me less lonely but it certainly puts a different spin on things.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I'm in the same place - ready to go and at peace with that. And "at home" here.

 

[Meditation guide]

I get kind of emotional just imaginig how people would look at or use those objects when I'm gone.

I doubt if anyone can understand this but I've realized every... single... thing you think you like in this world is nothing but a distraction to hide the true situation we all are in. Which is that this is a level of hell. All those things you hold dear, the emotions you invest in them. Nothing but distractions to hide the truth.

The idea of being enlightened holds this as part of that concept. Seeing through the bs and clutter which is put here to trick us and think there is something worthwhile here.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I'm convinced that eternal hell isn't a thing as well. Have you had a look into near-death experiences at all? It's a fascinating subject and even if a fraction of the people who have them are telling the truth then something amazing is waiting for all of us on the other side. I'm not a religious person but I recently started to believe that there may be more to all this than our physical reality. It's not made me less lonely but it certainly puts a different spin on things.

I have lots of weird beliefs about what came before/what comes after this life, lol. I've studied NDEs extensively, and its amazing that there's almost no discrepancy between the reports. Almost everybody who has one, to the tune of 97%, experiences the same bright white light and total inner peace, the feeling of finally being released from suffering. I've had one myself, that's exactly what I experienced when I hung myself in jail. At the moment of unconsciousness, all of the pain and panic just dissipated like smoke, and the only thing left was total peace and optimism. Bright white light calling me home and all, just like people describe.

I read this theory a few months back by a guy, he has a theory about consciousness. He believes that the essence of consciousness is a part of a 5D collective intelligence, and we choose to voluntarily send parts of ourselves to inhabit 4th dimensional beings who are bound by linear time as a way to have experiences and add to the collective knowledge of the higher intelligence. He believes that all that happens after death is we rejoin our collective, higher consciousness. What happens then is anybody's guess...do we just enjoy being home again? Do we discuss our human experience and compare notes? Is that even necessary when your consciousness is literally already a part of every other part of it (probably not)? Do we stay there in total bliss and understanding forever, our job already done...or do "we" go back, choose another being to inhabit, and do some more work? All of these possibilities. Of course this could easily just be one man's thought experiment and it could be total bullshit lol, but I dunno...as I read it, I got a strange feeling that this guy was getting reeeal close to the truth.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

I have lots of weird beliefs about what came before/what comes after this life, lol. I've studied NDEs extensively, and its amazing that there's almost no discrepancy between the reports. Almost everybody who has one, to the tune of 97%, experiences the same bright white light and total inner peace, the feeling of finally being released from suffering. I've had one myself, that's exactly what I experienced when I hung myself in jail. At the moment of unconsciousness, all of the pain and panic just dissipated like smoke, and the only thing left was total peace and optimism. Bright white light calling me home and all, just like people describe.

I read this theory a few months back by a guy, he has a theory about consciousness. He believes that the essence of consciousness is a part of a 5D collective intelligence, and we choose to voluntarily send parts of ourselves to inhabit 4th dimensional beings who are bound by linear time as a way to have experiences and add to the collective knowledge of the higher intelligence. He believes that all that happens after death is we rejoin our collective, higher consciousness. What happens then is anybody's guess...do we just enjoy being home again? Do we discuss our human experience and compare notes? Is that even necessary when your consciousness is literally already a part of every other part of it (probably not)? Do we stay there in total bliss and understanding forever, our job already done...or do "we" go back, choose another being to inhabit, and do some more work? All of these possibilities. Of course this could easily just be one man's thought experiment and it could be total bullshit lol, but I dunno...as I read it, I got a strange feeling that this guy was getting reeeal close to the truth.

Wow, so do you think your near-death experience has made your decision easier?

Maybe I'm just looking for hope and literal light at the end of the tunnel but I heard a similar thing recently and it made a lot of sense - that we're all fragmented and separate here and in the "other place" we're all one consciousness and loved forever.

The need to feel part of something bigger than yourself is so powerful in humans that perhaps that's our destiny. Disconnection is darkness. Even those of us who have given up in conventional ways still seek alternative ways to find connection with others. We're still always looking for where *it* is. And I think that *it* is light, love, energy, source... etc. I think we eventually find our way back to that when we die. Then we probably reincarnate and have to find our way back all over again.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Wow, so do you think your near-death experience has made your decision easier?

Maybe I'm just looking for hope and literal light at the end of the tunnel but I heard a similar thing recently and it made a lot of sense - that we're all fragmented and separate here and in the "other place" we're all one consciousness and loved forever.

The need to feel part of something bigger than yourself is so powerful in humans that perhaps that's our destiny. Disconnection is darkness. Even those of us who have given up in conventional ways still seek alternative ways to find connection with others. We're still always looking for where *it* is. And I think that *it* is light, love, energy, source... etc. I think we eventually find our way back to that when we die. Then we probably reincarnate and have to find our way back all over again.

I think we all know that we're going to, if not a "better" place, then a place that's completely alien to our human perception. I don't know if I believe this way because I'm crazy, because I'm trying to comfort myself, or because it's the truth...but it *does* make me feel better. That, and reminding myself that every last one of us dies, we do it alone, and there's no getting around it no matter how much we distract ourselves from it.

 

[LastRide]

A big part of my sense of peace with all of this is you. Reading your stories, hearing your thoughts, watching you support each other and trying to share and receive comfort right up until the very end has been a major source of strength and love for me. For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of belonging. It took imminent death to do it, but I finally found my tribe. Every last one of us dies alone, but we all know that and choose to love each other up until that point in spite of it. Maybe because of it. So a sincere thank you to everybody here who is trying to make our small and misunderstood world a better place before they go. As always, thanks for reading my shit and caring when no one else would. I love you all

Oh you so very elegantly express here what I think a lot of people (me included) feel ! Thank you for these wonderful words which are true and so genuinely felt ! Only a beautiful mind can express these feelings in such beautiful words. In return for making my day a bit brighter, I promise to always be here for you in case you need me, as long as I am still alive of course

 

[esse_est_percipi]

love you man

 

[Disco Biscuit]

love you man

Can't believe he's gone.

 

[RedDEE]

What happened? Did he do it?