catastrophix
and my nightmares will have nightmares every night
- Feb 20, 2023
- 106
Though it isn't late, I've been trying to go to sleep since I have stuff to do tomorrow and I instead have been thinking about how awful of a person I am. Thoughts like I'm worthless, no one will ever like/love me, I deserve negative consequences, etc.
With SN being hard to find, the only method of CTB that I have that can be legitimately played out has been taken from me. There's a bunch of trains near me, but they're a little far for me to walk to alone, especially at night. I know I'm just paranoid about walking alone, but I had a car that I could've driven to a nearby set of train tracks.
Keywords: Had a car.
My car broke down last week, and tomorrow it's getting towed to a charity. Even though going via train was like a last resort type of thing, I now feel 1000% more trapped in my life than I ever had. The only other option I have is taking as many substances as I can— Specifically Xanax, Lithium, weed, and or alcohol. However I don't really favor this option either, since OD'ing is rarely lethal (and I would probably feel like shit during the process).
I wish I could just get some SN, because it seems like it's getting less accessible by the minute. I don't know if I'd even use it, but I'd feel a lot better if I had some sort of backup. Because truthfully, I don't think I could let myself go by train because of it having other people involved.
My feelings toward CTB are changing as I get older, and it honestly feels kinda weird. I feel just as hopeless and depressed as my younger self, but I'm realizing that there may actually be someone who would be affected by my actions. My self loathing makes it impossible to be able to tell if someone actually cares or not, because my brain will always tell me they don't. Some days, I want to CTB without any hesitation. Other days, I feel okay enough to try and become a better version of me, who has friends and can take care of myself.
I wish I could just go through with CTB, but the guilt is too strong.
With SN being hard to find, the only method of CTB that I have that can be legitimately played out has been taken from me. There's a bunch of trains near me, but they're a little far for me to walk to alone, especially at night. I know I'm just paranoid about walking alone, but I had a car that I could've driven to a nearby set of train tracks.
Keywords: Had a car.
My car broke down last week, and tomorrow it's getting towed to a charity. Even though going via train was like a last resort type of thing, I now feel 1000% more trapped in my life than I ever had. The only other option I have is taking as many substances as I can— Specifically Xanax, Lithium, weed, and or alcohol. However I don't really favor this option either, since OD'ing is rarely lethal (and I would probably feel like shit during the process).
I wish I could just get some SN, because it seems like it's getting less accessible by the minute. I don't know if I'd even use it, but I'd feel a lot better if I had some sort of backup. Because truthfully, I don't think I could let myself go by train because of it having other people involved.
My feelings toward CTB are changing as I get older, and it honestly feels kinda weird. I feel just as hopeless and depressed as my younger self, but I'm realizing that there may actually be someone who would be affected by my actions. My self loathing makes it impossible to be able to tell if someone actually cares or not, because my brain will always tell me they don't. Some days, I want to CTB without any hesitation. Other days, I feel okay enough to try and become a better version of me, who has friends and can take care of myself.
I wish I could just go through with CTB, but the guilt is too strong.
