One more year.

[Seiko]

And I'll turn 21. Immediate plans are to purchase a relatively nice handgun or rifle—Glock G32 in .357 SIG/Daniel Defense M4V7 (AR-15)—for the use of CTB (and only CTB).

I was pretty deadset on doing it last year, so much so that I gave myself paresthesia on the tips of my toes and fingers through partial suspension. Since then, I've decided to stick around—and things have turned for the better. I guess what I'm really looking for is the option. The only thing I'm sticking out for is the prospect of completing my degree and maybe starting a career, but if that falls through, I really have no reason to stay longer.

I don't necessarily want to bother with SN; knowing myself, I'd probably feel moments of regret before it digests and attempt to throw it up. I'm also not too keen on possible nausea or pain before it finally zaps you for good. Same with hanging; even while compressing my carotids, there's always the desire to stand back up even when you know you really want to.

I really hate the stigma that comes with being suicidal. I think if most people were more forthcoming, nearly everyone would have had at least one moment in their life where they entertained the idea. Being honest at the wrong time could leave you involuntarily swept up with a blip on your medical records for years to come.

I think life would be better if I had a reliable exit. I wouldn't feel so trapped. Being detained by your beating heart when you desperately want out is haunting. If my life ever becomes a nightmare, I refuse to live any longer in it. I want to live life on my own terms. And whenever I want out—I'm out.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do think that we should all have the option of a reliable exit. I think that it would make life more bearable knowing there is a way out. No one should have to deal with the fear of the method failing. The way you feel is understandable. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Lebensunwertes]

If you have means of obtaining a firearm then the exit should be relatively easy. It's a gruesome, but a pretty fail safe option. From what you say, however, it doesn't seem like you have absolutely nowhere to go. Focusing on studies and on personal hobbies should be of utmost priority as it gives you the goals in life and a will to pursue them.